Trump Grabs Kennedy Center By The Pussy, Takes It Marble Column Shopping
What do presidents do all day?
What is Donald Trump doing all day while his administration is out there defying court orders and selling seemingly random men into slavery and mutilating the federal government and everything else? Haha, you didn’t think Grandpa Diapersmells was personally doing these things, did you? It’s his barked orders, obviously, but nah, he’s just the beached whale barking them mid-bowel movement from atop one of his gilded toilets.
But one must get off the toilet sometime, so this weekend, Trump went to Florida to “win” a golf tournament (dude cheats like crazy) at one of his resorts, and yesterday, Evita Trump went to the Kennedy Center to do a little balcony scene and fix the arts.
We ain’t the first to call him Evita Trump, and we won’t be the last. (He loooooves Evita.)
We also cannot stop laughing.
So that’s the sack of wet clownfarts, melodrama, and daddy issues trying to establish himself as king of America.
Over at my weekly newsletter The Moral High Ground I’ve been documenting the atrocities ever since Donald Trump declared himself the official Stupid Hitler of the Arts for the Kennedy Center, his intentions to eliminate all the art racist pigfuck old white men don’t understand and replace it with Lee Greenwood Plays Liberace and all the other absolute garbage he likes. This is what he calls ushering in a “GOLDEN AGE” of the arts.
Much of the talent has been heading for the exits — both from permanent staff and scheduled shows, from all genres — a trend that got a big exclamation point when Hamilton canceled a 2026 run that was to last almost two full months, to coincide with the 250th anniversary of the country’s founding. People just don’t want to play Hitler’s Playhouse.
Turns out they also don’t want to sit in the Kennedy Center while JD Vance is up there in a box letting the furniture do God-knows-what to him. And that’s what’s going to happen as long as decent people continue to show up to the Kennedy Center. Once they’re gone, we reckon nobody will be there, because MAGA is kind of like the dog that caught the center for fine arts here. Are they going to come in by the busload for “artistic endeavors,” followed by the buffet at Golden Corral, followed by a long drive back to Hump-A-Billygoat, Kentucky, or whatever they live? Got a bunch of theater field trips planned? Yeah? Tell us about it.
Trump’s visit was exactly as stupid and pointless as you’d imagine.
He arrived with all the cultural trendsetters and arts appreciators he’s put on the Kennedy Center board, like Lee Greenwood, who sings that one shitty song about wanting to romantically buttfuck America, and Laura Ingraham and Maria Bartiromo and Susie Wiles, who don’t sing songs about wanting to romantically buttfuck America, unless they make up songs about it in the shower, we don’t know.
Trump said during the meeting that he’s going to host the next Kennedy Center Honors, despite how he always refused to go when he was president before. (Some, or all, of the honorees hated him and a number spoke out about it.) He has a plan for turning it into RATINGS GOLD!
“The king of ratings, whether we like or not, the king of ratings,” Mr. Trump told the board, referring to himself. He added: “If you announced that, every network will start bidding on it, going crazy, for whatever reason, that’s the way it is.”
He also has a plan for honoring people who can’t laugh in his face and call him Hitler in response, the way most talented living artists would: by honoring dead people instead. Pavarotti! Or Elvis!
He also reportedly thought maybe they could honor people who aren’t even artistically talented, like politicians and athletes and business executives!
Sounds like a cool show, buddy, we’re sure everybody will watch.
Point is, he doesn’t like all the people who have been honored — you know, talented people, the kinds of people whose excellence makes him feel painfully puny and insignificant — and he introduced a resolution to help him take over the process of selecting the honorees, which presidents have historically fucked off and refrained from inserting their tiny hands into:
“In the past, I mean, these are radical left lunatics that have been chosen,” he told the board, according to the recording. “I didn’t like it.”
We’re sure there’s a secret slate of right-wing artists whose talent has been mercilessly ignored in favor of this group of hacks. Maybe Kid Rock? Trump said, “we have some surprises on that,” clearly making it up as he went along. (It’s like their fantasy about DEI, that if everything is decided based on “merit,” then suddenly all the white conservative men will be back at the top. You betcha, dudes.)
Trump also whined about Hamilton canceling, saying “I never liked Hamilton very much.” (He has never seen Hamilton. And he wouldn’t understand it. And he’s a white supremacist, so he certainly wouldn’t like a musical with all those non-white people onstage. And he’s the oldest man who ever lived, and some of those lyrics go way too fast for 197-year-old men like Trump.)
When he was a young man Mr. Trump had dreams of one day becoming a Broadway producer himself. Now, he said, the Kennedy Center’s focus would be on producing “Broadway hits.”
“We’re going to get some very good shows,” he said. “I guess we have ‘Les Miz’ coming.”
Oh he likes Les Miz? Does he understand the plot of Les Miz? (Reckon lots of Americans might be in the mood to help him understand what Les Miz is about.) Or is he just out in the audience doing his “jerking two dicks at once” dance, pretending to conduct the Lawrence Welk orchestra in his head as they play “I Dreamed A Dream”?
Also, Jesus, what a basic bitch. Les Misérables is wonderful, don’t get us wrong, but it’s also kind of the “Here is one of the two things you can take grandma and grandpa to on theater lineups.” It’s like Phantom in that regard. It’s theater for people who aren’t really theater fans, for people who eat at the Olive Garden in Times Square.
Oh, and little boy Donald Trump wanted to be a Broadway producer when he grew up? One day we’d love to hear the story of the psychological wounds that failure caused him, but not today.
Elsewhere during the visit, Trump whined that the venue was in disrepair, and did some kind of Queens bridge-and-tunnel SNL parody of himself saying the maaaaahble columns need work.
“It’s supposed to be covered by something, whether it’s marble or whatever, granite,” he said, about the columns.
Of course, Trump has reportedly already trashed up the place, adding enormous portraits of himself, Melania, JD Vance and Usha Vance. Want some renovation advice? Throw that shit in the fucking Potomac.
He also whined that it was too expensive to have unionized labor at the Kennedy Center, the way all real theaters do. You see, don’t laugh, but Lee Greenwood was going to “sing a little song” — you’re laughing — but “They wanted $30,000 to move a piano,” and now nobody will hear Lee Greenwood’s song about romantically butt-banging Old Glory.
Here is Trump whining about that:
And look at this dumb freak with his little paws posing in the box that now has his dumbass presidential seal affixed to it.
You let down your people, Evita …
Because you’re a loser.
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I've heard JD Vance prefers the cheap seats.
Update on yesterday's story about the Minnesota legislator who filed a bill to classify "Trump Derangement Syndrome" as a mental illness.
He just got arrested yesterday for solicitation of a minor.
https://www.fox9.com/news/minnesota-senator-justin-eichorn-arrest