Trump Putting His Stupid Ugly Name On Our Money

Luckily, no one has any money anymore.

Twenty-three years ago, Futurama produced an episode in which Earth President Richard Nixon (or rather, his living head in a jar) gave a $300 tax rebate to every citizen after the military, led by incompetent blowhard Zapp Brannigan, plundered the planet Turantulon 6. The rebate came in the form of a $300 “Tricky Dick Fun Bill.” The bill had Nixon’s face on it. Sometimes when a character purchased something, the face became animated and shouted something like “ARROOOOO!”

Leave it to Donald Trump to think an animated Matt Groening cartoon set a thousand years in the future is a documentary.

Don’t get excited; we’re not all getting tax rebates. But we are getting Trump’s face and signature on various denominations of our money. Because God forbid anyone anywhere in America should be allowed to go ten measly fucking seconds without thinking about that pool of diseased horse semen that the American people in their wisdom have elected president. Twice.

Let’s start with paper currency. For 165 years, bills have borne the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury and the US Treasurer, who oversees the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. A sitting president’s signature has never appeared on money, for the same reason we don’t put a living president’s face on money or build memorials until after they are dead: because a president serves the American people and the Constitution, not the other way around. He’s not sovereign. We fought a war about this and everything.

But, like so much else about the last 250 years, that’s all gone out the window in the last 14 months. The Mint will soon start printing $100 bills with Trump’s signature, and those bills will appear in circulation by the summer. This is to be followed by new bills of every denomination with that illegible Sharpie scrawl on it. Vanity Fair reports the printing plates are already being developed.

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Is everyone hearing a high-pitched whirring noise? That is the sound of George Washington and Abe Lincoln spinning at 50,000 rpm in their graves at the idea of their faces sharing ones and fives with the signature of President Sundowning.

If there is a plus side to any of this, we suppose it’s that no one has any money these days. It has all gone into keeping our cars gassed up, thanks to the increased fuel prices resulting from the incredibly stupid war he started. (And is unsurprisingly now getting bored with, according to a Friday report from MS NOW.)

Our current Treasury secretary, the execrable Scott Bessent, had this to say:

Bessent said in a statement that the move was appropriate for the U.S. 250th ‌anniversary, given ⁠strong U.S. economic growth and financial stability during Trump’s second term.

“There is no more powerful way to recognize the historic achievements of our great country and President Donald J. Trump than U.S. dollar bills bearing his name, and it is only appropriate that this historic currency be issued at the Semiquincentennial,” Bessent said.

This isn’t a limited run, either. Trump’s signature goes on all the bills being printed until some future administration removes it. Yet another reason to not vote for JD Vance or Marco Rubio in 2028, as if we didn’t already have more than enough.

By now you are probably asking, Hey Wonkette, why isn’t Trump hollering “YOLO” and putting his droopy-lidded ass-looking face on all our bills along with his signature? If America is going to turn into a fascist personalist regime, we might as well go whole hog!

The answer is simply that it would take an act of Congress, which hasn’t happened. Yet. There has been at least one bill introduced to put Trump’s face on the $100 bill, and another that would create a $250 bill with his face on it. Would anyone be surprised if the collection of sycophants, suck-ups, lickspittles, and mountebanks who make up the current Congress took this up for those or another denomination? Or even all denominations?

Of course no one would be surprised. At this point we’ll be lucky to get to 2029 without Trump trying to build a pyramid on the National Mall or buy a couple of Egypt’s and have them brought over here. He’d probably make working on putting the pyramids up without pay a requirement for any immigrants applying for citizenship.

There was already an effort to mint new dollar coins with Trump’s face on them. That appears to have stalled thanks to a law, the Presidential $1 Coin Act of 2005, which restricts $1 coins to only showing the faces of dead presidents. And hell, who uses $1 coins anyway? If we had to get Trump’s face on money, that would have been the least intrusive denomination for it.

And if those coins were minted with silver, at least we could eventually melt all of them down and make something useful for the rest of society, such as bullets to kill werewolves.

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The government is minting “commemorative” $1 gold coins with Trump’s image on them, an image in which he is leaning on his fists on his desk in a way that he thinks makes him look intimidating, but that we think means he’s got a raging case of untreated scoliosis. Those coins will be 3 inches in diameter, the largest size the Mint can produce. For comparison, quarters are 1 inch in diameter.

Donald Trump, the world’s most obviously raging case of overcompensation to ever live.

Technically, the Circulating Collectible Coin Redesign Act of 2020 also prohibits putting any living people on a coin’s “tails side.” Apparently the administration found a workaround, which is either claiming Trump’s image will appear on the coin’s head side, or it is ignoring any laws altogether, as they do for most everything else.

These gold coins are commemorative and, unlike bills with Trump’s signature, will allegedly only be minted to celebrate America’s 250th birthday this summer. So thankfully that means a limited supply of them which will mostly wind up sitting in little display cases on the desks of boat salesmen and retired painting contractors. And hey, any that don’t wind up like that can also be melted down to build something useful for society, such as literally anything that has absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump.

[Vanity Fair / Reuters / MS NOW]

Got some dollar bills lying around you’d like to clear out to make room for any with Trump’s face on them? You could donate them to Wonkette, which survives thanks to your support.