Trump So Mad Secretary Shitf*ced (And The Troops) Ruined His Birthday Parade
Bad at marching, bad at America!
One of our favorite things about Donald Trump’s bouncy big boy birthday parade for bouncy big birthday boys — aside from the perpetually sullen look on Trump’s face and Marco Rubio’s dramatic yawning and the way Grandma Wrestlemania Linda McMahon sat there wearing the look of a woman who’s missing the premiere of the newest Hallmark movie for this and she knows it — was Pete Hegseth AKA Secretary Shitfaced’s body language. It was everything. As he so often does when he’s with Trump, Secretary Toughskins had the look of a boy who’s absolutely terrified Daddy is about to slap the shit out of him, and who knows he’s probably already in trouble for something he did. He becomes so small and subservient, such a baby loser, when Trump is around.
OK wait, actually our favorite part was Hegseth singing along with that shitty Lee Greenwood “proud to be an American” dogshit. He was doing it like he meant it, like this was a serious moment in his serious life, and it was as cringeworthy and stupid as the way he prays.
Hahahahahahahahaha, what an absolute loser, fuck, what a dork.
(Also, the guy standing on the other side of Shitfaced who was also singing along was Daniel Driscoll, the moron Army secretary who thinks we have troops on the moon.)
Anyway, the hilarious and wonderful news is that Trump is reportedly very upset about how shitty his big flamboyant and fearful Kim Jong-Un birthday parade for big flamboyant and fearful dictators was, and he’s really mad at Major Drunk about it. Also mad at the troops, because when is he not.
The source is Michael Wolff, so it could always be wrong, but this one feels exactly right, and moreover it sparks joy. Wolff told the Daily Beast Podcast that Trump really wanted his birthday shoot-em-up Army Guy parade to be “menacing” — Christ, what a loser — and was really mad when it was instead “festive.” (Uhhhhh, to be festive there would have had to have been an actual big crowd of people there, yes? Sorry, bud, all the “festive” was at the No Kings protests.)
“He’s p---ed off at the soldiers,” Wolff said. “He’s accusing them of hamming it up, and by that, he seems to mean that they were having a good time, that they were waving, that they were enjoying themselves and showing a convivial face rather than a military face.”
In other words they were acting like American troops who don’t need to prove anything — you know, like they’re from the world’s strongest military and don’t actually need to waste their time being good at marching — as opposed to the kinds of displays put on by the troops of dictators like Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin, who have everything to prove. We understand why a man as minuscule and unworthy as Donald Trump is unable to understand that the second thing is not actually a true show of strength.
It tracks that Trump would be mad at the troops, though, because Trump hates the troops, thinks they’re suckers and losers. (Important to keep that in context if he’s thinking about sending them to fight Israel’s latest war!)
So the troops weren’t marching for Dear Leader, the weather was garbage, Marco Rubio kept yawning, Melania refused to fuck him that night probably, what else? Oh yes, he was reportedly very mad at his ugly skunk-headed adopted son Secretary Shitfaced, and he reportedly yelled at him for it:
“He kind of reamed out Hegseth for this,” the Trump biographer said. “Apparently, there was a phone call, and he said to Hegseth, the tone was all wrong. Why was the tone wrong? Who staged this? There was the tone problem. Trump, he keeps repeating himself.”
“Everybody was actually celebrating, celebrating the 250 years of the U.S. military—probably celebrating that more than Donald Trump’s birthday,” Wolff said. “But it didn’t send the message that he apparently wanted, which is that he was the commander in chief of this menacing enterprise,” he added.
Yes, well, spoiler alert, but all the presidents whose names weren’t “45” or “47” didn’t actually need the military to “send the message” that they were “commander in chief of this menacing enterprise,” because they had the kind of inner strength and confidence that already is completely aware of that information.
In other words, every other president was the absolute antithesis of dumpy, pudgy, limp-shouldered clowndick loser Trump and his simpering whipping boy Pete, who needed this parade to even feel like men.
Jesus, MAGA masculinity is such a joke.
Wolff says the hilarious, laughable lie that 250,000 people had showed up to Trump’s empty birthday parade came directly from Trump, who made poor Steven Cheung tell it. It was a fitting lie for a president who also has to make sure to screen the troops who attend his military base speeches, to make sure only really stupid ones who will readily clap and cheer for him are in attendance.
Likewise, now poor Steven Cheung — who’s recently been really upset about all the reporting Wolff has done about him personally — was the one who got dispatched to say that Wolff is a “lying sack of shit” for this reporting about Trump’s tantrums about his sad loser birthday parade for dictators who aren’t feared by their countries.
“He routinely fabricates stories originating from his sick and warped imagination, only possible because he has a severe and debilitating case of Trump Derangement Syndrome that has rotted his peanut-sized brain,” White House communications director Steven Cheung told the Daily Beast.
Poor Steven Cheung. Poor Donald Trump, bragging to Mark Carney at the G7 about his laughably shitty loser birthday party, which happened while at least four million Americans were gathering and protesting — and marching! — in the largest demonstration in American history, for the express purpose of saying they hate Trump’s guts.
“We had the parade the other day. They said 100 percent chance of rain. It didn’t rain,” Trump told Mark Carney as the Canadian prime minister smiled politely.
So sad.
Oh well, we guess bad things happen to bad people, and God doesn’t love grumpy, surly boys who demand people give them military parades for their 79th birthday presents.
Wallow in the misery forever, bitches.
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*Insert "Stripes" movie graduation clip here*
Good. I hope The Homunculus' rage causes his piles to burst.