Trump Trying Hard To Get Out Of Going To Don Jr.'s Wedding
If it's a day, Donald Trump doesn't love his firstborn son.
It’s our favorite genre of story in the Trump regime, or one of them: the one where Donald Trump doesn’t love Don Jr., no matter how much Junior craves the love of a daddy whose daddy didn’t love him either.
And look, let’s be fair: If Don Jr. was your son, you wouldn’t love him either. See? We have so little Trump Derangement Syndrome we’re sitting over here identifying with the old geezer!
Of course, if the old geezer was our dad, we would take him on a trip to an exotic location and then leave him there without his phone or any hamberders. So we can’t say we’re identifying with Junior’s sad longings here.
But anyway! Junior is getting married! To some British lady named Perpetua or Persephone or … Bettina! That’s it, Bettina. Bettina Anderson. She’s the one who’s been boning Don Jr. on purpose.
Junior is not getting married to Kimberly Guilfoyle. They broke up, apparently sometime after Junior started boning Imogen Poopsybritches or whatever her name is. Bettina! Bettina Poopsybritches. That’s it. Kimberly Guilfoyle is in Greece, being America’s ambassador, presiding over ribbon-cuttings for McDonald’s locations at the mall, in Greece.
Considering how she used to bone Don Jr., on purpose, we are going to say her new gig is a step up.
But yes, Don Jr. is reportedly getting married over Memorial Day weekend in the Bahamas, and his father doesn’t love him, so is he going to go to his son’s latest wedding? Ehhhhhhh.
“Uhhhh. He’d like me to go. But it’s going to be a just a small, little private affair. I’m gonna try and make it. I’m in the midst, I said, you know, ‘This is not good timing for me. I have a thing called “Iran” and other things.’ That’s one I can’t win on. If I do attend, I get killed. If I don’t attend, I get killed. By the fake news, of course, I’m talking about. But no, he’s got a very, uh, person I’ve known for a long time, and hopefully they’re gonna have a great marriage.”
Yeah totally, the fake news would totally go after Trump for going to Don Jr.’s wedding, it’s a real rock and a hard place he’s in. And it’s such a small wedding, close family only, it would be weird if Don Jr.’s literal father showed up. Plus Trump is so busy back here losing the shit out of wars he started.
Trump’s gonna text Don Jr. “OMW” with zero actual plans to waddle on to Air Force One for his son’s latest big day, isn’t he?
Or maybe he’ll show up! It’s not like he actually is busy doing anything important! Secretary Shitfaced can lose that fuckin’ war all by his bad self!
The key is to keep Don Jr. wondering until the end. Does Daddy love him enough? Haha of course not, but will he be there? Will he? Where’s daddy? Where’s daddy? Is daddy coming?
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The Guardian reports on things Trump has managed to do even as he’s been losing that war:
The conflagration in the Middle East has not prevented Trump from attending an Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) event in Miami and a PGA tour championship at his golf club in Doral, Florida, nor stopped him from playing several rounds of golf himself.
The difference is that Trump loves UFC events and golf. He does not love his son.
My God, it will be hilarious if Trump golfs that day instead. You know, because “Iran.”
Anyway, hey remember that time Donald Trump reportedly slapped the shit out of Don Jr. when he was in college, right in front of all his friends? Good stuff.
Point being, hey Don Jr., have a good wedding, you loser, and we highly doubt this one is with you because she loves you either.
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Guilfoyle snarked regarding Junior's sexual prowess: "The Bettina has yet to come!"
Every day there seems to be something new to learn about what pathetic ASSHOLES these people are. I miss Biden. I miss Obama. Biden loves his son even though he's a fuck up. I hate this timeline.