Trump Turns National Mall Into Sh*tty Theme Park For July Fourth
Come one, come all, it's Trumpland, y'all!
A large stretch of the National Mall in Washington DC is currently full of a bunch of large, white tents. There’s a white 150-foot Ferris wheel on Seventh Street, opposite a large arch. Over on 14th Street, there’s a big, empty stage.
The Trump administration calls it the Great American State Fair, but it looks like the shoddiest amusement park. A trashy rebranding of the American experiment for dim-witted suckers. This is Trumpland: The Experience. One ride, a bunch of cheap flags, and a lot of tan lines.
All the white tent exteriors are covered in a combination of vinyl tarp with wood and plaster columns. The tarps have fake, painted windows. Some of the plaster corners are already popping out, and are hastily held together with industrial adhesives and tape. Faux columns evoke the look of a permanent marble structure. The whole thing is a less than subtle message that these structures are intended to be replicas of Trump’s proposed ballroom. A wink and a nudge for rubes gullible enough to be tricked into forking over billions in tax dollars so Trump can build memorials to himself.
All the workers dress like uniformed attendants at some desperate, struggling country club. Security run around in burgundy polo shirts (some have shoulder-slung fanny packs that undoubtedly house a pistol). Young, fit men serving as VIP escorts all wear light blue button-ups tucked into khaki slacks. Regular staffers scurry around in dark blue polos. Janitorial crews in bright orange T-shirts slowly drag bins from one fenced off area to another. Out-of-state cops and federal agents in tactical gear leer at everyone from behind sunglasses, some anxiously waiting to be thanked for their service.
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Attendees have wrapped themselves in red white and blue clothing. They trumpet and deify the long-dead men who fought against religious bigotry and dynastic, monarchial rule unbound by laws. There’s something sad and ironic about seeing a mass of walking, talking violations of US Flag Codes in a hat that says Trump 2028.
People attempted to shield themselves from the sun with large paper American flags. Bible thumpers roamed around attempting to pray with, or for, you. Some of the unique, official T-shirts and MAGA hats seemed like cheaper knock-offs than bootlegs being hawked outside the gates. There were expensive military fly-overs with F-16s, F-35s, and B-2 stealth bombers.
And there was a delicious Giant Western Sausage for $20.
The only notable thing about Trump’s speech is how many people weren’t there, and how many people left early. People seemed to be trickling in almost an hour before Trump finally spoke. While it’s DC, and much of the surrounding areas of Maryland and Virginia lean left, some of this may have been poor planning. A Trump supporter from the nearby suburb of College Park, Maryland, told me at around 6:30 p.m. he heard late in the day that Trump would be speaking on the Mall, and decided to see if he could get in. Many others appeared to be tourists who just happened to be in town, or press.
On Thursday, the day the GASF actually started, everything felt pretty dead. DC’s biggest tourist days aren’t until next week, but it’s common to show up the week before, or after, the Fourth to get a cheaper deal on a hotel. But may the universe help those who wasted thousands just to take a stroll through Trumpland.
The whole thing is like a walkable commercial.
Fox News. Peterbilt. Kenwood. Boeing. Uber. United Health. Budweiser. GE Aerospace. Uber. So many companies with questionable business practices, government contracts, or had been (but no longer are) facing some kind of regulation.
One company, Biz2Credit, settled charges from the FTC over PPP loan fuckery in 2024 to the tune of $33 million. Another, Micron Technologies, was fined in 2023 for violating employment and immigration laws, and is currently facing a class-action lawsuit for misleading investors. But their plinko board was popular.
John Deere had a big tractor set up by the Smithsonian Carousel. Putting aside the random placement, the climate arguments for/against ethanol fuel, and their effects on engines, I know a number of farmers who hate John Deere’s overpriced tractors because the company adopted on a business model that prevents farmers from repairing their own equipment (AKA: The Right to Repair). In 2021, the FTC debunked myths promoted by companies like John Deere, and in April 2026, John Deere agreed to settle a class-action lawsuit for $99 million.
There was an exhibit from Fox News. It offered face painting, a cheap bandana, and a mock-up of the iconic Fox & Friends curvy couch. People are encouraged to stage their own pre-dawn propaganda without that pesky skirt cam that Roger Ailes, the late former Nixon and Reagan media guru who founded the network, was so fond of.
There is a booth from Elon Musk’s SpaceX. And a booth for the Americanized Tik-Tok. Truth Social had a booth. I couldn’t tell you where because nothing is labeled.
Prager U has a big truck presenting a very skewed and sanitized version of American history. An AI George Washington greets people upon walking in. There’s a quiz to test your knowledge of American History, labeling you either a fat British Loyalist, or a sexy American Patriot. Being a journalist, Canadian and an American, I played the quiz to see both outcomes. There were sneers when I said the Boston Massacre was a misunderstanding, and said the Tea Party was an act of vandalism.
Each of the 50 states and the US territories had booths, but some states were less interesting than others. Allegedly, this is because of sketchy corporate sponsorship. I’ve been told some states simply didn’t bother doing much of anything. West Virginia had a video game, and a bunch of stuff quoting John Denver. Mississippi boasted about inventing rock and roll. Louisiana had beads, water, and a Mardi Gras bust. Maryland didn’t have much, but Gov. Wes Moore is busy fixing roads and bridges. Alaska was just a wall, Hawaii was just two rocking chairs, and they both shared the same booth.
In 2019, Trump tried to take over the Fourth of July with a rainy, poorly organized rally at the Lincoln Memorial. Last year, he tried to take over the Fourth with a limp parade of aging military hardware down Constitution Ave. A week ago, a bunch of oiled up, half-naked men in leather panties were slapping each other on the South Lawn of the White House.
The Great American State Fair is exactly what you’d expect from Donald Trump. It’s a real life manifestation of Trumpland. An attempt to buy goodwill with more bread, and more circuses. He’s slapped together some cheap, gaudy crap and then thrown a giant flag on top to hide the glue and tape for the chumps and suckers.
30 years ago today I faced a brutal assault and possible violent death and won.
I am still here.
The simple movement of a finger to push away a gun.
I say this as a reminder because the world is really fucked up right now.
If I had given up when it looked like there was no way out I wouldn't be typing out this drunken bullshit right now.
But you get it.
Now you know why I can be obnoxiously hopeful when all signs point to "we are fucked, yo!"
You would be fucking amazed at what being a stubborn ass can do.
Happy 100th birthday Mel Brooks!! I must quote lines from his movies on the daily.
Current one living in my brain: “Keep firing, assholes!”