Trump: You Can't Find Shoes Like These FLORSHEIMS! Unbelievable! For The Spring And Summer? Ohhhhhh!
Everybody who comes in, they just can't even believe my FLORSHEIMS. It's a good thing he doesn't work at this store, he'd spend his entire paycheck on them!
Yesterday, answering reporters’ questions about his chosen war in Iran, Donald Trump had this exchange:
REPORTER: “You said the war is ‘very complete.’ But your Defense secretary says ‘this is just the beginning.’ So which is it?”
TRUMP: “You could say both.”
No, Grandfather The Clown, you could not.
Here’s another one from yesterday:
Based on what Steve Witkoff, the hopelessly naive real estate investor airhead who’s serving as his most important envoy to the Middle East and to the space between Vladimir Putin’s erection and his asshole, based on what that guy and his daughter’s Saudi-fellating oligarch husband told him, Iran was going to attack. He didn’t know, he was just listening to whatever these guys said. He’s just a brittle-boned old man whose brain doesn’t work, after all.
In related news, the Wall Street Journal reports that the very same man who said those things yesterday, the nearly dead shitting dictator with the disgusting rashes all over his hands and neck, has the strangest habit of buying cheap dress shoes for people without their consent, after which point they feel extremely uncomfortable and scared not to wear them around him, lest they upset him.
This is so weird and deranged.
Reportedly, the shoes in question are a pair of shitty $145 Oxfords made by the company Florsheim, a brand you last saw when you were cleaning out your dead grandpa’s bedpan and they were on the floor next to his bed.
The 79-year-old has reportedly sought to force his own aides to share in his obsession, buying up shoes from the Chicago-based brand Florsheim that his underlings are then expected to wear. The president is particularly enamored with a pair of $145 oxfords from Florsheim that can be found in most discount shoe stores.
And he wonders why New York society thinks he’s such bridge-and-tunnel trash?
We don’t know what you think when you hear “Florsheim,” but here’s what we think of: When we were a little boy, we had extremely hard-to-fit feet (still do!) and buying dress shoes was the absolute worst. (Still is!) So sometimes our mom would have to take us to a thousand stores to find shoes, field trips to random shoemakers in small-town Mississippi were occasionally involved, it was just awful. Florsheim was one of those stores that came up in this process. Absolutely nothing cool about it, it was for old people even when it was current. You weren’t trying these shoes on because all the kids at school were rocking the latest FLORSHEIMS, you were there because if we don’t find anything here, we’re going to have orthopedic shoes specially made, haha, you’re a dork!
Those are the shoes Donald Trump is buying for people without their consent and then forcing them to wear.
Trump has been gifting footwear to agency heads, lawmakers, White House advisers and VIPs. “Did you get the shoes?” he asks at cabinet meetings. Some people have laced up in the Oval Office. During a lunch meeting in January, Trump suddenly pivoted to his “incredible” new shoes and gave Tucker Carlson a pair of brown wingtips.
“All the boys have them,” said a female White House official. Another joked, “It’s hysterical because everybody’s afraid not to wear them.”
He just has boxes and boxes of shoes back there, in every size!
You know when the oldest person you know finds some sort of As-Seen-On-TV crap product on an endcap at Walgreens, some kind of clapper that’s also a neck pillow that somehow claims to regrow hair, or a back scratcher that helps you shit, and proceeds to buy one for themselves and one for every single relative, plus 10 extras for JUST IN CASE THE PRESIDENT OF FRANCE COMES BY?
This is that.
And then your grandma is like “Have you been using your back scratcher neck pillow Chia Pet shits-a-lot doll I bought you?” and you’re like “MMHMMMMMMM GRANDMA, used it so much I totally wore it out!”
Trump is reportedly trying to guess people’s shoe sizes.
He is signing the boxes of Florsheims when they come in.
Because, well, he discovered these shoes last year, and they were just marvelous! You’ve never seen shoes like this, oh so comfortable! Why wouldn’t you buy them for everybody?
You know that lady with the thrill up her old person polyester pants about curtains?
Guess who you’ve never seen in the same room together? Trump and that lady.
Trump has reportedly shoe-gifted without their consent: JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Sean Duffy, Secretary MakeupChair von Drunkbitch, Howard Lutnick, Steven Cheung, Sean Hannity, Lindsey Graham, Scott Bessent and others whose names you don’t care about.
One of those people — or a different Cabinet secretary not listed — has apparently whined that they can’t wear their Louis Vuittons anymore. (Guessing it’s Von Drunkbitch, he’s vain and high-maintenance like that.)
Remember when JD Vance spontaneously ejaculated and went and told everybody that during an Oval Office meeting, Donald Trump made a shoe-size joke suggesting he has a big penis? It was because he was buying them FLORSHEIMS.
The Wall Street Journal notes that Marco Rubio already has had his own experience with FLORSHEIMS, because his sassy bouncy lady boots from the 2016 campaign were FLORSHEIMS. Remember that? Anyway, he stopped wearing them then. Until now.
So this is what Donald Trump is doing when he’s not starting wars to distract from the child rape files he’s the star of.
This is the man who heard one time that people were seeking “asylum” at the border, and immediately got confused and latched on to the hallucination that all the nations south of us are emptying out their “insane asylums” and sending the patients to the United States, like something out of a 1980s Batman movie, and is incapable of understanding that every time he says that, people laugh at him. He will never let go of this confusion. He said it literally yesterday.
He also said “NO TRANSGENDER MUTILIZATION SURGERY FOR OUR CHILDREN!” Not a typo.
This is the man who still thinks he won the 2020 election, and that he’s ended eight wars. (He lost the 2020 election and he has ended zero wars.)
That man, that easily confused man, that 10,000-year-old man whose skin is melting off his disintegrating bones and begging for the sweet release of decomposition, has a favorite brand of cheap dress shoes.
And it’s FLORSHEIMS.
OPEN THREAD.
[Wall Street Journal / Daily Beast]
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I am currently tasting two different Irish whiskeys for the Friday article. They are both excellent. I have asked my wife to bring me some Guinness to cleanse my palate as I contrast the two. I love my work so much.
Tuesday Harry has seen the light of Ceiling Cat.
https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-225777063?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc