Trumpian US Attorney On Quest To Prosecute Anyone For Crime Of Calling Elon Musk A Dick
Mods! Mods!
A few weeks ago, Democratic congressman Robert Garcia of California was forced to sit through a subcommittee hearing being chaired by Republican succubus Marjorie Taylor Greene. So he decided to have a little fun. Noting that Greene has a predilection for showing giant blown-up photos of Hunter Biden’s enormous hog in congressional hearings – strictly for political purposes, we’re sure – Garcia announced he had brought his own dick pic to that day’s festivities. Then he had an aide hold up a giant picture of Elon Musk.
Everyone had a giggle or a groan or a Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, you’re embarrassing me! Then we all went on with our lives, where there is much more important and threatening activity occurring (much of it involving Elon Musk) beyond a second-term congressman bringing awkward levity to a congressional subcommittee hearing.
You know who was not amused, though? Ed Martin, Acting United States Attorney for Washington, DC. On Thursday, Garcia released an ominous letter Martin recently sent him in which the fawning Trump lackey demanded the congressman explain himself for some recent remarks:
The important part reads:
I respectfully request that you clarify your comments from February 12, 2025. During a live interview with CNN, when asked how Democrats can stop Elon Musk, you spoke clearly: “What the American public wants is for us to bring actual weapons to this bar fight. This is an actual fight for democracy.”
This sounds to some like a threat to Mr. Musk – an appointed representative of President Trump who you call a “dick” - and government staff who work for him. Their concerns have led to this inquiry.
We take threats against public officials very seriously. I look forward to your cooperation with my letter of inquiry after request.
AH HA HA HA, good Lord, Ed Martin thinks everyone else is a fucking idiot who does not know what a metaphor is. Or he himself is a fucking idiot who does not know what a metaphor is. Or he knows, and he knows that everyone else knows, but he’s doing his best Captain Renault impression and pretending to be shocked, SHOCKED that politicians sometimes use martial language to motivate the electorate.
His itty bitty reptilian brain may also still be mad that the January 6 Committee linked Donald Trump’s calls for his (armed) supporters to “fight like hell” to the mob’s non-metaphorical assaults that day on Capitol police, and their threats to “Hang Mike Pence” from a makeshift synecdoche constructed for that purpose.
But if Martin really and truly doesn’t know about the common rhetorical tricks of politicians — and considering that he has run for office, we doubt that is the case — maybe in his spare time he could audit an Introduction to Rhetoric class at the Learning Annex. You’re never too old to learn something new! Though you can be too fucking stupid.
God, these people are the whiniest babies alive. Their skin is thinner than one-ply toilet paper. How do any of them even get out of bed in the morning knowing that there are evil liberals around every corner just waiting to make bad puns at their expense?
Anyway, if Rep. Garcia is planning a response to Martin, someone already drafted it in 1974.
The broadside against Garcia seems to be part of what Martin has dubbed “Operation Whirlwind,” an effort by his office to investigate Democrats for saying anything mean about public officials. Sure, he could claim he will also investigate Republicans, which we’ll believe when we see. Martin is a hardline partisan who helped organize the “Stop the Steal” movement after the 2020 election and defended January 6 rioters in court. So we are not holding our breath.
Martin had previously sent a groveling letter to Musk promising to protect him and his DOGE crew of broccoli-floret-lookalike Nazis while they wreck the federal government. This week he announced "Operation Whirlwind” to his office in another very hilarious letter:
Late last night I took a call from a senior DOGE staffer. ... [H]e told me about threats against DOGE government workers. It is despicable that these men and women are being threatened.
What these DOGE workers are doing in unilaterally freezing congressionally-approved funding and firing thousands of employees is likely highly illegal. Ed Martin will pursue justice by prosecuting people who are mad that he is not prosecuting these illegal activities. He didn’t get any more specific than that about the alleged threats, but he’s a wingnut so we’re guessing he’s mad that anyone is daring to stand outside a building with a sign while yelling.
Martin also mentioned something we hadn’t heard about: a plot by a woman who drove from Massachusetts to DC with “incendiary devices” and the intention of attacking drunken lout Pete Hegseth. Why hadn’t we heard about this? Because it was actually a man who did it, and as soon as he arrived in DC he went to the Capitol and turned himself in to the Capitol Police. He never got anywhere near Hegseth or anyone else on his hit list.
It is just that sort of close attention to detail that gives us great confidence in Ed Martin’s abilities and fairness.
But the best part of Martin’s letter may have been this:
One of the most abhorrent examples was when Senator Charles Schumer led a rally to attack Supreme Court justices. Schumer said, reading from notes in his hand, “I want to tell you Gorsuch. I want to tell you Kavanaugh. You have released the whirlwind and you will pay the price. You won’t know what hit you if you go forward with these awful decisions.
Months later a man arrived at the home of Justice Kavanaugh with murder on his mind. Since I became US Attorney, I reached out to Senator Schumer to investigate his threats.
This strikes us as funny, if only for the image of Chuck Schumer hollering some fiery rhetoric. He does that every once in a while, and every time we see video we want to tell him to stick to milquetoast speeches on the Senate floor. Cosplaying as a Black Panther is just not up his alley.
But more relevantly, Schumer made his “whirlwind” comments almost five years ago. And just days later realized that he might have gone too far and apologized for them. The man who showed up at Kavanaugh’s house “months later”? It was actually more than two years later, and the man told authorities he was inspired by the recent leak of a draft of the Supreme Court’s Dobbs opinion overturning the right to abortion. He said nothing about Schumer.
Also as to Schumer’s original comments, they could have been a callback to Kavanaugh’s own confirmation hearing in the fall of 2018. That was when the future SCOTUS justice defended himself from sexual assault charges with a teary, angry, ugly, partisan, grotesquely injudicious rant at Democrats on the Judiciary Committee that they had “sowed the wind, and the country would reap the whirlwind.” Ack! A Biblical allusion! We demand to speak to the manager!
We eagerly await Martin’s announcement that he is investigating Kavanaugh for threatening the entire nation with Hosea 8:7. Can you believe Martin named his operation after a threatening public statement from a Supreme Court justice? This sounds like a threat! Someone should investigate him.
Oops, we called Brett Kavanaugh a dick in a headline in 2018! That’s a paddlin’ from America’s greatest Acting US Attorney Ed Martin.
In normal times, would we know anything about the United States Attorney for Washington, DC? Of course we would not. There are 94 USAs scattered across our great land. Unless you are being charged with crimes by one, you have no idea who any of them are.
But we know who Ed Martin is less for his legal prowess, assuming he has any at all, and more for how he has spent the last month firing off dumb letters and trying to turn his office into a MAGA-friendly perch from which he can pursue all of Donald Trump’s enemies for even the slightest alleged infraction against our Glorious Lord of All He Surveys. Did you look at Donald Trump funny? Did you make fun of his face because it looks like a boiled sweet potato? Expect a nasty letter any minute.
For Martin’s trouble, Trump this week announced he is nominating his to be the permanent USA for the DC federal district. So we can all look forward to four more years of that office pursuing vendettas against Trump opponents for the crime of being Trump opponents.
[BlueSky / MaddowBlog]
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I'm the mod! I'm fine!
I'm permabanned from xitter for suggesting that musk eat a large bag of dicks after he took over.