Trump's Busy Court Date Schedule Eating Into His Wall Ketchup Time And Axios Is STRESSED

Bless all their hearts.

Aug 16, 2023

When you are a hustler and a bustler like Donald Trump, you get used to a busy schedule. He’s always been like this, including back when he was president, juggling his important schedule of watching Fox News all morning and then going to work at noon.

And now Axios laments that it is happening again. Shut up, this is journalism! The Axios kind! It has bullet points! Axios is lamenting “Trump’s 2024 Collision,” and says his court dates are disrupting his campaign calendar.

Maybe Trump should hire a scheduling secretary or something. Uh oh, Trump! Don’t ask your scheduling secretary to help you drain the pool in furtherance of a criminal conspiracy or anything! Whew, that was a close one.

You can tell Axios cares about this story, because it refers to Trump’s scheduling tribulations as an “extraordinary collision course” that will be on “stark display” in the next two weeks. It then proceeds to explain some of his schedule.

President Heckuva-Job Not Going To Work Until NOON These Days NOON WE SAID F*CKING NOON

Evan Hurst

April 24, 2020

Read full story

We will use bullet points, to make Axios feel like it is in its safe space. In the next two weeks Trump has:

“Nearly half a dozen court hearings and 2024 campaign-related events.”
Wait.
“Nearly half a dozen” is simply a generous way to say “five or fewer.”
Does he have “nearly half a dozen” court hearings AND “nearly half a dozen” campaign events?
Or is he having “nearly half a dozen” of both of those things COMBINED?
Because if so that would mean we are reading an entire Axios about how Donald Trump has five or fewer things on his schedule over the course of the next 14 days. Are they all on the same afternoon or something?
Are we supposed to be terrified this will eat into the time he likes to use flicking ketchup at the wall with a spoon or dining with child Nazis?
Also there is golf, he’s been playing a lot of golf lately. Here is a news story about Trump playing golf a few days before his Georgia indictment and lookin’ extra grumpy.
“Trump won't have to attend every court hearing,” wait WHAT?
Trump has five or fewer things on his schedule, but he doesn’t have to go to all of them?
OK here is his actual schedule:
Monday, August 21 he is supposed to do “press conference” at Bedminster. This is the one where he says he’s releasing a VERY IMPORTANT ELECTION FRAUD REPORT that will cause everybody to drop all the charges. Sounds very MyPillowy. And bullshit. Likelihood of Trump canceling: We are guessing high.
Wednesday, August 23 he is supposed to do “Republican primary debate.” The latest news there is that Trump is “tempted” to attend. But maybe he will not.
Friday, August 25 he’s supposed to turn himself in to the authorities in Atlanta. But uh oh! There’s also a hearing that day in his stolen classified docs case in Florida! Does Trump have to go? Axios does not say!
Monday, August 28 there is a hearing with Judge Tanya Chutkan in DC in the election-stealing, Republic-overthrowing case. She’s going to set a trial date.

Yes, you betcha, that is “almost half a dozen” things that Trump may or may not have to attend, with the exception of the one where he shows up and gets mugshotted in Atlanta, which he definitely has to attend. And he may have to definitely show up in DC.

Oh, but he also has to “campaign” for “president!” Which he is definitely only doing because he wants to steal the election in 2024 so he can pardon himself from all his upcoming criminal convictions.

This has been a Wonkette post making fun of an Axios post about how Trump definitely has to show up for exactly one (1) thing in the next two weeks, or maybe two (2) but they are not on the same day.