Two Weeks Trump Caves On Murdering Entire World. Whew, What A Relief All Over Again!
Plop plop. Fizz fizz.
Well, it was scary there for a minute, wasn’t it!
But the guy they call TACO did the thing he always does. After trying to engender fear and respect from the world with a proud display of his inflamed, swollen genitals, Donald Trump surrendered to Iran last night, in exchange for nothing. It was a war he started for no reason, and he got nothing. (Unless you count whatever rush he and Secretary Shitfaced Hegseth got from exploding those little girls at that school. And the American troops killed and injured. We’re sure that sent a thrill up their legs.)
But sure, loser, declare victory:
Oh, two weeks, eh? We should have known old Two Weeks Trump would show up to this party, along with all the other dumbfuck loser characters who live in his syphilitic brain.
Iran, of course, got stuff. For instance, Iranian state media is crowing that they suckered Trump into accepting their own 10-point plan, and fully declaring victory.
“The enemy, in its unfair, unlawful, and criminal war against the Iranian nation, has suffered an undeniable, historic, and crushing defeat,” the council statement reported by state media read.
“Our hands remain on the trigger, and at the slightest mistake by the enemy, a full-force response will be delivered,” it warned, according to the statement obtained by CNN.
They say they’ve won full sanctions relief, and Iranian control over the Strait of Hormuz (and the ability to, along with Oman, charge passage fees!), “acceptance of enrichment” (at least in the Farsi version of the statement), and more!
In response, Trump and his piss-licking minions like the FCC’s Brendan Carr are birthing full-grown cows at CNN, for reporting what Iran said. You can see in the screengrabs in the Bluesky post below that Fox News also reported what Iran said.
That Trump temper tantrum really deserves to be blown up and read in all of its impotent hilarity:
“Authorities are looking to determine whether or not a crime was committed on the issuance of the Fake CNN World Statement, or was it a sick rogue player? CNN is being ordered to … ” In case you were wondering whether the Nation’s Commander Editor in Chief (so busy!) is correct about CNN’s report being “fake news,” the answer is go fuck yourself.
Former Obama national security official Ben Rhodes explained who really got what in this deal:
“In the best case scenario, Trump struck a deal to reopen a Strait that was open before the pointless war he started, with [Iran] demonstrating its control over the Strait and potentially extracting fees plus sanctions relief. Thousands of innocents — including hundreds of children — dead in Lebanon and Iran for no reason. U.S. troops killed and wounded. U.S. embassies and bases in the Middle East badly damaged. U.S. standing in the world obliterated. U.S. munitions badly depleted. Hundreds of billions spent. Prices up everywhere. More global economic fallout to come. Putin strengthened and enriched. Just a catastrophic situation even in the best of circumstances. A profoundly shameful episode in American history no matter what happens next.”
Yes, and no regime change. Just the same regime, but younger, and angrier, now that Trump and Israel murdered a whole bunch of their family members including the former leader. And no actual guarantee Iran won’t manufacture nukes, unlike what Barack Obama got in 2015.
What a fucking joke.
Some late breaking headlines from the ticker:
Pakistan says this “cease fire” includes Lebanon. Israel (of course) says no it doesn’t, and Israel is reportedly still shooting at Iran.
Lindsey Graham appears to be losing his war boner, and insists that Congress must approve any so-called 10-point plans to so-called end this war. (Oh now he thinks Congress has a role to play.)
Markets in Asia are surging, and based on what we saw last night when we opened up our investment portal, the US pre-market was doing the same, because that’s what markets always do when Trump narrowly acts to save the world from his latest self-created apocalypse.
They’re setting US and Israeli flags on fire in Tehran.
The United States will reportedly be “helping with the traffic buildup in the Strait of Hormuz,” said Trump on Truth Social late last night, in a post where he declared the day a “big day for World Peace!” He insisted that “There will be lots of positive action! Big money will be made. Iran can start the reconstruction process. We’ll be loading up with supplies of all kinds, and just ‘hangin’ around’ in order to make sure that everything goes well. I feel confident that it will.”
Mmhmm, you betcha, sure. Hey, is the strait “open” if you have to pay Iran two million bucks and/or show ‘em your weenus and/or boobies if you want to pass through? Just asking.
You can keep watching CNN’s ticker for more humiliating news for Trump, all of which Brendan Carr will surely investigate for hurting Trump’s feelings and making him look stupid and weak.
“Total and complete victory. 100 percent. No question about it,” said Trump, in an interview last night, about surrendering to Iran.
And how! Fox & Friends counted the ways this morning, or at least one of their hosts did:
Co-host Lawrence Jones walked through the initial demands one by one, in plain language. “We have not reached any of those objectives,” he said.
The list of objectives? Dismantling nuclear facilities (“that has not happened”), ending uranium enrichment (“they are still enriching”), transferring uranium stockpiles out of Iran (“that hasn’t happened”), accepting international inspections (“they are still not willing to do it”), and suspending the ballistic missile program (“they’re still firing them off”).
Don’t worry, the rest of the idiot couch started tickling Dear Leader’s taint and explaining how total humiliation is actually total victory. “President Trump succeeded in putting so much fear in this new regime that they were willing to come to the table,” said Griff Jenkins. “The president didn’t chicken out,” insisted Sean Hannity’s girlfriend. “Up until the 11th hour, he almost had to do it and Iran, obviously, they came to the table.”
Haha, yeah, OK, sure, um, you bet.
Donald Trump said yesterday in his I WILL MURDER CIVILIZATION! post that last night would be “one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the world.” We guess he just forgot to add the laugh track.
This is what happens when really stupid, megalomaniacal people like Trump do really stupid, megalomaniacal things. There was never a plan. There was never a strategy. (In last night’s Maggie Haberman/Jonathan Swan “inside the decision” taint lick joint, there was a moment where they were back on “strategy vs. tactics” again, and we flashed back to the whole nation hollering that Obama was doing “tactics” instead of “strategy” and that was a conversation we had to have 10 hours a day, because oh my god kill us.) There was only his ego, and whatever laser pointer the most belligerent little shitholes in his Cabinet pointed for him, convincing him that this war would be completed easily, and for his own personal glory. Trump, a conman, liar, fraud and adjudicated rapist, is used to being able to wriggle out of any situation he gets himself into, declare victory and brush it off. And the media might let him here, as he has yet again promised that a thing will happen in “two weeks,” which happens to be just long enough for Beltway journalists’ brains to reset and forget all this ever happened.
As Aaron Rupar notes here, the fact that Trump ended his night celebrating the world peace he’s convinced he just created doesn’t change the fact that he started the day threatening to mass-murder the innocent citizens of an entire country:
The world is laughing at Trump today, though. And so are the American people.
Today would be a good day for whoever’s holding the full Epstein child rape files to release them.
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Oh for the love of Pete. Here I was getting ready to write a rum old fashioned, and now I’m making margaritas for TACO Tuesday. Ah, well. I’ve made a lot of fancy pants drinks lately. Time to switch it up.
FUCK THIS GOD DAMNED LOSER ASSHOLE!!
KIDDIE-FUCKING DUMPSTER FIRE FUCKSTICK ASSHOLE FUCKER!!!