UFC Bringing Its Tacky Brand Of People Beating Sh*t Out Of Each Other To White House
All class as always.
There is something a little too on-the-nose in a “Fall of the Roman Empire” sense about a decadent, authoritarian, brain-addled leader building an arena right outside his front door so that he may have the pleasure of watching shirtless gladiators beat the ever-loving shit out of each other without leaving his heavily guarded compound.
And yet, that is exactly what is happening at the White House right now. About the only difference is that the duels aren’t to the death. Though lord knows it would not surprise us to learn that Emperor of All the Known Realms Donald Trump and his sycophantic advisers have considered it.
As promised, the Ultimate Fighting Championship headed by Trump bootlicker Dana White is building an arena on the White House lawn in time to host UFC cage matches for the president’s birthday on June 14. Pictures of the project, which is taller than the White House to the point of damn near dwarfing it, have been going around the Internet. And they look even worse when you can get a drone shot of the arena that includes the empty space where the East Wing used to be so you can really get a sense of how many physical changes Trump is inflicting on this house that does not belong to him. Worst tenant ever:
Listen, if we want to see a show that looks like it should be staged in the middle of Universal Studios, we’ll go to Universal Studios. Florida exists to look tacky. The White House is supposed to be dignified, or it was, until the sentient Creamsicle and his merry band of cracker-brained ingrates got their hands on it.
How big is this thing going to be? Trump says 5,000 seats, but his brain is oatmeal. Dana White recently said over 4,000. For an administration pretending that anyplace outside the White House grounds is so hard to secure that it has to build a giant gilded ballroom to keep the president safe, that seems like an awful lot of people to be letting onto the South Lawn all at once. Good luck to the Secret Service.
Reportedly, the seats close to the ring are all going to White House insiders (Trump alone was given 1,000 tickets, which he’s probably scalping on StubHub), military members getting a few hours off from invading whatever country made Trump mad that week, and high rollers who will pay $1.5 million per seat.
Yes, that’s $1.5 million American dollars. For that you get a ringside seat, a ticket to a “partner welcome reception,” seating at press conferences to watch the fighters flex and preen, and a Zak Brown concert. Oh, and you get to attend the fighters’ weigh-ins, which are supposedly taking place at — we shit you not — the Lincoln Memorial. The stage for so many important events in American history — King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, Marian Anderson’s 1939 concert, Clint Eastwood and Rene Russo making out at the end of In the Line of Fire, and so many other moments can now add “shirtless meatheads get on a scale before beating each other up for the president’s pleasure” to that illustrious list.
So much dignity. We should remove the giant statue of Lincoln ahead of time so that it doesn’t have to witness this dumb spectacle.
What if you are one of the hoi polloi who for some reason wants to spend a summer weekend in DC for this dollar store Thrilla in Manila? The UFC is setting up a watch party on the Ellipse. Those tickets are free, but you have to get them through Ticketmaster, so likely be prepared for double-digit processing fees or something.
We suppose it’s a small price to pay for an event the UFC is hyping as “The Most Historic Sporting Event of All Time”:
UFC Freedom 250 commemorates the 250th birthday of the United States with a once-in-a-generation celebration of the American fighting spirit. From the Revolution to the Octagon, this historic event will connect fans through cinematic storytelling and unrivaled competition on the world’s greatest proving ground.
“From the Revolution to the Octagon.” Sure. Why not also refer to this whole event as a day that will live in infamy? Because it will, but not for the reasons the president and his enablers are pretending.
We can’t find it now, but some wag on BlueSky suggested calling this arena The Schlocktagon. We approve of this nickname and order everyone to use it. Yes, that includes you, CNN.
The irony is that according to the Washington Post, “The card has been panned by fans online as underwhelming, featuring just two championship fights.” These fans are apparently under the impression that this is a serious event and not simply, in no particular order:
Advertising for UFC, which says it is losing $30 million on the event but gaining priceless exposure.
A grifting opportunity for both the UFC and Donald Trump, who will find ways to grab money with both hands that would never occur to normal humans who count a sense of shame among their character traits.
A giant big boy 80th birthday party for the giantest of all big boys.
Oh sure, technically this event kicks off several weeks of events that are also supposed to celebrate America’s 250th birthday on July 4. But in a personalist regime like the one we’re living under, there isn’t any distinction between the leader’s birthday and the nation’s. It’s all one and the same.
EVENTS LIKE THESE.
What a godsend the Trump administration has been for the UFC, which has trained FBI agents for some reason (the reason is that Kash Patel is a huge dork) and allowed the administration to recruit ICE goons at its events.
Are we being snobs? Damn right. The UFC is lowbrow culture. There is plenty of room for it that isn’t America’s seat of government. Ah well. Rome also did not fall in a day.
[Washington Post / Yahoo]
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I think somebody already proposed we call that monstrosity the BLUNDERDOME
I hope that sticks
Just watch Murc's Law work with this spectacle. And the White House, like everything touched by Maladministration 2.0., is the personal plaything of America's Pilonidal Cyst. As is the wont of every narcissistic abuser.
Remember, a semblance of a check on this comes with a Democratic impeachment+removal-sized Congress. Make sure you are an ACTIVE voter, and jump your suppression hoops now!
Mount up!
And Don't Give Up The Ship!