We Hereby Rename Department Of Defense ‘Department Of Pete Hegseth’s Microdick Situation’
Sorry to the servicemembers who signed up for the right reasons.
Nothing sadder has ever happened, nothing more pathetic, nothing less manly, nothing more insecure, than the fact that Donald Trump is going to sign an executive order today trying to rename the Department of Defense as the “Department of War,” which he actually cannot do, and everybody around the world will laugh at this while using the real name, just like they do with the Gulf of Mexico.
As a White House fact sheet on Trump’s latest order helpful suggestion explains, this merely authorizes DoD officials to start using the phrase “Department of War” as a secondary name, and lets Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth call himself Secretary Shitfaced OF WAR if he so chooses, and he clearly does, oh fuuuuuuuck yes he does, OMG OMG OMG, HIS BALLS JUST DROPPED.
Hey, we guess this is one way to get Pete Hegseth’s microdick insecurities onto the Pentagon letterhead.
The fact sheet goes on to explain that reverting to the old “Department of War” name — which represented a US military that was in many ways an absolute shitshow, so this is probably appropriate! — “conveys a stronger message of readiness and resolve compared to ‘Department of Defense,’ which emphasizes only defensive capabilities.”
To which we and all other educated people around the world reply, hahahahahahahaha you little needy milquetoast loser boys, Jesus fuckin’ Christ, what is wrong with you?
First of all, no it doesn’t. Literally the only thing this does is telegraphs to the world that the cowardly white fuckbaby men running the US military are really extremely sensitive and don’t possess the inner confidence and strength to project that they’re running the most feared fighting force in the history of humanity regardless of whatever you call it. That includes our allies, our adversaries, and our Russian adversaries whom Donald Trump is obsessed with and wishes to be mounted by.
Truly, there is no quantifying how much the entire world will laugh at us over this. This is how you get lions and lambs to lay down together to laugh at the US military with the stroke of one little tiny flaccid pen.
Which … might be the only way Trump actually ever is able to end a war, but does it count if all the warring factions are just taking a break to point and laugh at Trump and Secretary Shitfaced OF WAR?
The White House fact sheet goes on to tell everybody yet again about that one little Iran strike they desperately need us to believe TOTALLY OBLITERATED Iran’s nuclear program (it did not), and also it mentions that little wiener dog race birthday military parade Trump threw for himself, which nobody watched, because snooooooooze it was fucking sad and boring and millions of people were busy doing “No Kings” protests that day anyway, didn’t have time to care.
It always bears repeating with these piss troughs among men, but if you have to mention how strong and powerful you are every time you open your mouth, guess what, ya ain’t.
God, this is so stupid, and we are so sorry to all troops and veterans who signed up for the right reasons and not because of your daddy issues, the way Shitfaced pretty clearly did.
As we alluded to above, this is merely an attempt to change the name of the Department of Defense, just like Trump earlier made an attempt to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico, which is only referred to as another name by the most pathetic mouthbreathing sycophants in the MAGA ball pit.
The fact sheet instructs Secretary Shitfaced OF WAR to try to find some ways to actually get this change made. Good luck with that, we hear he’s pretty smart and clever and nothing he does is ever a hilarious fuckup.
Of course, you wouldn’t know that Trump and Shitfaced can’t unilaterally make this change if you relied solely on news sources like Axios, which doesn’t seem to actually employ journalists, but rather apparently just MAGA ass-sniffers and scribes, who dutifully write down whatever White House Nazi Barbie Karoline Leavitt tells them, and don’t dare interrogate any of Trump’s obvious lies.
Here’s how their headline originally read:
But then we all screamed at Axios and berated Axios, which apparently worked, because now the headline says:
Good job, losers! Shame works sometimes.
Of course, the first sentence of their article still says, “President Trump will rename the Defense Department the Department of War, Fox News first reported and the White House confirmed Thursday.”
Dumbasses.
Of course, we are aware that Trump and Hegseth trying to bolster their flailing manhoods by doing this is kind of funny, since Trump is also simultaneously sucking every nipple on the Nobel Committee begging for a Peace Prize. Which he definitely deserves because:
Because he’s ended seven wars! (He has not ended seven wars. Even the negotiations he sort of helped with are kind of like his “trade deals,” more like concepts of a plan to end wars. Fuck off.)
And he ended Russia’s war on Ukraine! Just kidding, he’s still Putin’s bitch and Putin is still very much attacking Ukraine.
And he got Benjamin Netanyahu to stop genociding the Palestinians, hahahahaha, just kidding, but we are sure Kamala Harris would have been worse somehow. (Heckuva job, all you voters who sincerely actually believed that!)
Well hey, OK, fine, we guess Trump and Shitfaced are better at being shitty sucky failures at waging war than they are at ending them, so we guess this is appropriate. It’s certainly on brand for two racist little bitches currently declaring war on American cities full of citizens, and who it increasingly looks like just bombed the shit out of a boat full of innocent migrants in international waters, not drug smugglers.
Hey, want to see what the Department of WAAAAARRRRRRRRR did yesterday? Well, they found another boat in the ocean full of Haitians, and they sent them back to Haiti with LETHAL PRECISION. What does that mean? Nothing, absolutely nothing, it means the US military is run by illiterate losers who don’t know what words mean but whose masculinity is so fragile they have to pump themselves up by using words like “LETHAL” even when it makes zero sense.
Fucking pussies.
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It honestly confounds me how people see these desperately insecure men are badass warrior heroes.
This new name is good for absolutely nothing. Ain't nothing but a heart breaker; got one friend, that's the undertaker.