Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, Christmas Eggnog!

You can drink it today if you like. But patience is rewarded.

Oh, how I do love eggnog.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. It’s been an eventful month, and it’s looking to be a grim sort of winter. But I’ve got a little something that might help get us through to the holidays. Remember Christmas? Remember looking forward to the holidays? Remember looking forward to things in general? This eggnog recipe should help. Look at these bottles slowly working their magic in the back of the fridge, and dream of happier days, and smile. Here’s the recipe:

Christmas Eggnog

12 egg yolks

2 cups (1 lb) sugar

1 cup whole milk

1 cup half and half

1 cup heavy whipping cream

1 teaspoon fresh nutmeg 

¼ t salt

Brandy, rum, and/or bourbon, enough to make three cups total

In a large mixing bowl, combine the egg yolks, nutmeg, and sugar. Whisk until the mixture lightens to a lemon yellow color and falls off the whisk in a solid ribbon. In a separate bowl, combine the dairy and alcohol. Slowly add the dairy mixture to the egg mixture, whisking constantly. Move into 2-3 wine bottles and let sit in the fridge for 3 weeks minimum. 

To serve: Add 1 part aged eggnog to one part fresh (premium store bought is fine, or make the above recipe without liquor). Top with additional fresh nutmeg. 

Alton Brown first created this recipe in 2008, and it was revolutionary at the time. Letting fresh dairy and eggs sit in the back of your fridge for weeks, even months at a time sounds like a horrid idea. But the amount of alcohol in this recipe keeps everything sterile, and the eggs prevent the dairy from curdling. 

As time has gone on, there’s been some pushback on Alton’s classic. Mr. Brown was of the opinion that you should “store in the fridge for a minimum of 2 weeks. A month would be better, and 2 better still. In fact, there’s nothing that says you couldn’t age it a year, but I’ve just never been able to wait that long.” The bartender community has had some time to test that assertion, and the consensus is that Alton’s eggnog is at its best after three weeks. After that, metallic flavors start to build in the cocktail, and the alcohol becomes more prominent. If you made this eggnog today, it would be at its best on December 6th — perfect to accompany setting up the tree. 

This is a very strong eggnog no matter how long you let it sit. I’d recommend using it as a base — half aged eggnog, half fresh eggnog from the store. Get the really good stuff. Or, if you’d prefer, just add some whole milk and a touch of cream. Proportions are up to you; I love a really rich, thick eggnog that’s almost custard, but thin it out if you’d prefer.

It’s also important to note that this recipe makes a LOT of eggnog. The yield is easily two and a half 750 ml bottles. I give at least two bottles of this stuff out as Christmas presents every year. The half bottle gets cut with good fresh eggnog and lives in my fridge as long as it lasts. Considering how 2024 is going, it might not make it to Thanksgiving. 

Let’s talk ingredients:

Not so much an “ingredient shot” as a “Here’s how much this recipe makes” shot. There’s more than this. You’ll lose that to quality testing.

Egg Yolks: Behind the bar, I gently crack the shell and toss the egg from one egg shell half to the other over the sink, letting the white run off until the yolk’s ready to use. At home, I wash my hands well and strain the egg through my bare hands, letting the whites run through my fingers into a clean container. Use your preferred method. Eggs aren’t *that* expensive, but saving the egg whites for angel food cake seems like a good idea. 

Sugar: The chemical reaction between egg yolks and sugar always amuses me. I might try demerara sugar here, to add a rustic caramel note to the drink. 

Dairy: Use good fresh stuff. Organic certainly can’t hurt, but it doesn’t make a ton of difference in flavor. I’ve never tried this with dairy substitutes like almond milk. I doubt it would work well. Sorry.

Fresh Nutmeg: Don’t even bother with pre-grated nutmeg. It isn’t much more than sawdust. 

Liquor: Alton uses 1 cup of cognac, bourbon, and rum each. I used ½ a cup of bourbon and cognac, 1 ½ cups of Appleton Estate, and ½ a cup of my favorite dark rum. The exact ratios of rum, bourbon, and cognac are up to you. I’d take this as an opportunity to clean out the liquor cabinet and finish off those lingering bottles. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  

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We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck Bezos. Go buy a copy of Liquid Intelligence, the book that ignited my passion for mixology, here. You’ll be floored by the passion, the science, and the insight into the craft of booze. This is the kind of book that will encourage you to change careers and join me behind the pine. 

You can find me on Bluesky at @samuraigrog!

DRINK!