Welcome To Wonkette Happy Hour, With This Week's Cocktail, The Slow Mojito!

Breathe. Relax. Drink rum.

The most vibrant cocktail I’ve ever made.

Greetings, Wonketeers! I’m Hooper, your bartender. And this is definitely a week when I’m needed. As much as I would love to drink our anxieties away, trust your bartender: Alcohol is technically a solution, but it doesn’t solve anything. At best, it delays your problems. At worst, it compounds them. So instead of offering an angry spirit-forward punk cocktail, today I’m providing a version of The Best Drink of Summer. Making this cocktail is a slow, meditative process. Take a few deep breaths. Inhale the scent of rum and mint and lime. Relax. Let’s make a Slow Mojito. Here’s the recipe:

Slow Mojito

2 oz Flor de Cana unaged rum

8-10 mint leaves

3 lime wedges

2 tsp. white sugar

Club soda

Place the mint leaves and sugar in a highball glass. Stir the leaves and sugar for 1 minute; the sugar should look wet and be slightly melted. Add the lime wedges, cut side up. Gently press down on the lime wedges with a muddler until they’re released their juices. Add rum. Stir gently. Add pebble ice until the glass is full. Top with soda water and garnish with a mint sprig.  

Any bartender worth his salt can make a decent mojito. You muddle lime juice, mint leaves, simple syrup, and rum, shake it, top it with ice and soda, and bang — done. That is, quite honestly, a good mojito. But if you make a mojito the slow way, you can build subtlety and layers into the drink. It’s not a homogenous cocktail, like a shaken mojito. Every sip is different. Sometimes you get a little more mint; sometimes you get a little bitterness from the lime pith. The drink benefits from sit time, as all the ingredients find their level and the ice dilutes the drink. This is a mojito that asks to be sipped slowly. Take some time and get to know the glass. 

It’s worth noting that this is a mixologist’s cocktail. It’s not suited for a professional environment in any way. The prep time is too long, and the cocktail is inconsistent by design. It also breaks one of the first rules of bartending — shake any cocktail with citrus. I was taught that shaking the cocktail aerates the citrus, and it’s definitely needed in juice-heavy drinks like the Greyhound. But here, the lime isn’t front and center, and shaking isn’t crucial for the drink. Crushing the fruit with a muddler releases lime oil from the skin of the fruit and tannins from the pith. The added complexity those ingredients bring to the table make me question some basic techniques in other drinks. I’m very interested in what crushing the lime instead of juicing it would bring to a daiquiri. 

I’m really pleased that we’re avoiding muddling in this mojito. Too many home bartenders over-muddle the lime in mojitos. Shredded, bruised mint leaves release chlorophyll and other ingredients into the drink. A good mojito shouldn’t taste “green.” I'm halfway convinced that a standard mojito doesn’t need to be muddled; a hard shake should smash the leaves enough to release all the mint oil you need. But stirring the leaves with sugar is real genius. Pure sugar is hydrophilic; it will pull oil from citrus and other fruit all on its own (a key trick in making good limoncello). Stirring mint with sugar extracts all the mint oil you need for a solid cocktail. The intact leaves also make for a more attractive-looking drink. 

Let’s talk ingredients:

Ingredient shot. Fortunately, I have a backup bottle of rum for the long weekend.

Flor de Cana Unaged Rum: This white rum from Nicaragua doesn’t taste like much, but I’m not asking for bold rum flavors in my mojito. The company’s commitment to the environment does deserve some support, however. They’re proudly carbon-neutral, and their reforestation efforts have done a lot to make Nicaragua a better place. Happy to support them in a drink devoted to finding inner peace. [Editrix popping in: Flor de Cana’s seven year aged rum and Stiggins Formerly Known as Plantation Pineapple are my most favorite sipping rums, but that’s not what Hooper’s talking about here anyway, ok bye.]

Mint: Keeping pots of mint and basil on the back porch is one of summer’s great pleasures. Unlimited pesto, bruschetta, and mojitos for summer — what more could you ask for? Just don’t plant the mint in the ground; it’s a rude plant that will take over your whole lawn.   

Lime: Rinse the limes with warm water and rub them roughly with a coarse towel before cutting to get rid of any food wax before crushing. 

Sugar: You could use demerara sugar here, but I prefer my mojitos to be crystal clear. 

Ice: Raid the local Coca-Cola Freestyle machine for good pebble ice, or buy it straight from Sonic. My wife gifted me with a hand-cranked ice crusher a few years back; it’s a star in my bartending kit. You can also smash ice cubes in a small canvas bag to get pebble ice. All things considered, that might be the most therapeutic technique. 

Club Soda: Club soda has a small amount of salt in it, which helps sharpen the flavors in the cocktail. Your favorite sparkling water will be just fine.  

Technique: I can’t emphasize enough the joy of taking your time with this cocktail. Build it slowly. Practice your stirring technique with the mint and sugar. Crush the limes as gently as you can. Pour the soda water into the glass in a steady stream. Slow down. Good things come to those who wait. Sip it slowly; pay attention to the changing flavors. Relax. You’ve got a mojito in your hand right now. Things are okay. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  

If you’re buying cocktail implements and whatnot at Amazon, this button gives us a small commission!

You can find me on Threads and Insta at samurai_grog!

OPEN THREAD!