Welcome To Wonkette's Lost Weekend, With This Week's Cocktail ... Everything. Just Everything.

No reason to hold back anything.

“So, how was your week?”

Greetings, Wonketeers. I’m Hooper, your bartender, and I have a feeling that most of you are very happy to see me today. To hell with happy hour. None of us are in the mood. I’m planning a lost weekend instead. Here’s all the recipes. Let’s start with what I was drinking at 2:30 AM on Wednesday after checking my phone:

Rum Sour

4 oz Planteray Special Dark

1 oz demerara syrup

1 oz fresh lime juice

2-3 shakes orange bitters

Shake all ingredients together and dirty dump into an old fashioned glass. (“Dirty dump”: Pour directly from the tumbler without a strainer, ice cubes and all.) Garnish with the spent lime shell. 

It’s surprising how, even when the world is crashing down around your ears, this drink still manages to be tasty. I had to have two or three of these, just to check the phenomenon. That was enough to help me sleep and get started on the new day. (One glass of water per cocktail, to ward off a hangover.)

The next day happened. Work. Doctor’s appointments. More appointments scheduled. I came home and made last week’s drink, the Isla Del Encanto. After all, it would be a shame to waste the cola syrup I made. And the news hadn’t gotten any better.

At this point I should put on my professional hat and talk about alcohol addiction, because the temptation is oh-so-real right now. Alcohol is one of the earliest and finest painkillers known to man. It numbs physical and emotional pain effortlessly, and it manages to be delicious in the process. But it only lasts for so long. The pain doesn’t go away. It just gets put off for a while. There’s nothing wrong with taking a vacation from your worries. Staying on vacation from life can be. I’ve seen people who tried. They’re the ones waiting at the door for the liquor store to open on a Sunday. They need to buy fourteen mini bottles of Absolut Watermelon to survive. The shakes and the loneliness make the pain worse. Drink in moderation, drink well, face the morning when it comes.

I was reminding myself of all of this when my daughter texted. She wanted to come home for the weekend. And even though she’s three months shy of her twenty-first birthday, she wanted me to make her a drink or two. (Important note – it is illegal to serve anyone under 21 in public. What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business.) I leapt at the news. Something positive to do with the weekend? With my favorite people in the world? Instead of doomscrolling on my phone? Perfect. 

Maybe a little too perfect; I’ve blown my entire liquor budget for the month, getting all the bottles I need to make our favorite drinks. My wife is fruitlessly shopping for tiki decor at the party stores; November in Ohio is not a season for island getaways. We’ll manage. This weekend, my house is The Rocky Horror Tiki Hut. (The daughter saw it live for the first time last month — one of the best experiences of her life, she says.) Stupid surf rock will be playing on the speakers, and silly movies will be on the TV. The drinks will flow fast and free, and we’ll stop worrying for a little while. Next week is the future. Here, in the now, we’re going to have a party like we’ve never had before, and never will again. 

Here’s what’s on the menu. Play along at home if you’d like. We’ll raise a glass with you. 

ALL the ingredients shots. When in doubt, buy a bar.

Margarita

2 oz Exotico Blanco Tequila

1 oz agave syrup

1 oz lime juice

½ oz triple sec

Run a spent lime shell over the rim of a rocks glass. Roll the edge of the glass in Tajin [or our friends the Penzeys’ almost identical Pico Fruta — editrix] and add ice. Shake all ingredients and strain into the rimmed glass. Add additional juice (pineapple or orange) if desired. 

Painkiller

2 oz Pusser’s Rum

1 oz creme de coconut

4 oz pineapple juice

½  oz orange juice

Shake all ingredients together and pour over ice into a highball glass or tiki mug. Garnish with fresh grated nutmeg and a straw. 

Hooper’s Mai Tai

1 oz fresh lime juice

½ oz Mai Tai Syrup

½ oz orgeat

½ oz triple sec

2 oz Appleton Estate Rum

½ oz Planteray OTFD Overproof rum

Shake all ingredients except for the OTFD and strain into a mai tai glass over cracked ice. Slowly pour the OTFD into the glass, floating the rum on top of the cocktail. Garnish with Amarena cherries and fresh mint. 

Mai Tai Syrup

1 cup demerara sugar

1 cup water

¼ t salt

2 drops vanilla extract

Heat all ingredients until the sugar dissolves. Bottle and keep in the fridge.

I hope she likes what I give her. I’ve got some sangria cooling in the fridge if all else fails. Here’s one last recipe before we roll into the weekend:

Bartender’s Secret Handshake

2 oz Fernet Branca

Pour one shot for all staff members before the shift starts. Pour another round when the late night crush starts to slow down. Mix your own drink to finish the evening. 

Share a shot of Fernet with me, and I know you’re industry. You’ve been through the hard, endless nights. You know how tough it gets, and how we survive it together. We’re family. 

Time to start shaking. See you Monday. I’m keeping busy until then. 

In summary and conclusion, drink well, drink often, and tip your bartender — donate to Wonkette at the link below!  

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We aren’t linking to Amazon anymore, because fuck Bezos. Go buy a copy of Smuggler’s Cove, my favorite tiki book ever, directly from the Cates right here. They’ll even sign it for you. And if you’re in SF, go visit them. Looks like it’s Jamaican Funk Week this week. 

You can find me on Instagram at samurai_grog!

DRINK!