What Happened To Weapons For Ukraine, Mr. Trump? Ask Secretary Sh*tfaced! (Again.)
Someone left the arms out of Ukraine.
Yesterday, during his Cabinet meeting in the White House, Donald Trump had one of those “bless your heart” moments, where he seemed to suddenly make great strides in maaaaaaaaaaybe grasping that Vladimir Putin has been playing him all these years, stroking his ego and his mini-weenus with flowers, praise, and election reacharounds in order to … oh let’s not go that far. He had a moment of maybe grasping that Putin might perhaps not be entirely an honest broker.
He was so angry.
“We get a lot of bullshit thrown at us by Putin, if you wanna know the truth. He’s very nice all the time, but it turns out to be meaningless.”
Whaaaaaat? Tell us more about the most obvious thing in the entire world, Sir! We are strong, burly, have tears in our eyes and are anxiously waiting to hear about your discoveries!
In response, “Tim Onion,” the CEO of The Onion whose real name is Tim Onion, reminded us on Bluesky of something that we all need to remember at least once a week, every time the Trump administration is doing something that’s supposed to be big and bad and scare us: “He is obviously evil, yes, but he is crucially also the biggest mark of all time. He once thought Vince McMahon was dead because he saw his limousine explode on Monday Night Raw.”
Yes. Just the absolute stupidest person God ever shot out of a vagina without two brain cells or a roadmap. My God.
Just before that, Trump said, “I’m not happy with Putin.” Was he going to act on that feeling in any way, asked a reporter? “Well I wouldn’t be telling you! We want to have a little surprise,” he said, like an abject moron.
What was going on here?
This clip holds the answer. Did you approve of the pause of weapons shipments last week to Ukraine? asked Kaitlan Collins. “We want to put defensive weapons because Putin is not treating human beings right, he’s killing too many people, so we’re sending some defensive weapons to Ukraine and I’ve approved that.” Who ordered that pause?
“I don’t know, YOU TELL ME,” Trump said defiantly, stupidly, like it was somehow not the most humiliating thing in the world that he was unable to recall or answer in that moment who paused last week’s shipment of weapons to Ukraine.
Especially when you consider that the answer to the question was sitting right next to him.
The Secretary Of Defense Is Driving This Car, Don’t [Hic!] Worry
Well these moments just happen again and again and again, don’t they!
Something embarrassing happens to the Trump administration, and it turns out that it was wayward old Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth, getting out in front of his skis and thinking he’s allowed to make Big Boy decisions like a Big Boy who’s loved by Jesus and has Big Boy responsibilities!
Remember at NATO HQ when Secretary Shitfaced opened his dumbass mouth and started slurring about what was going to going to be Trump’s Ukrainian policy, which he had to quickly walk back, because Secretary Shitfaced wasn’t actually cleared to be running his fucking mouth about such grown-up things that were above his paygrade?
Donald Trump did indeed halt weapons shipments to Ukraine last week, or at least his administration did. But now is coming all the reporting that DERP, it was Secretary Shitfaced who did that, and DERP, he didn’t even tell nobody in the White House, DERP DERP DERP!
Way to swerve your car out of your lane and crash it headlong into reality, big boy. Again.
Yes, CNN reported last night that Hegseth did not tell the White House last week when he decided to do foreign policy all by himself, I’m A Big Kid Now-style. Drunk? Dunno. Could have been a dry-drunk move, we don’t know if he’s kept that promise he made to Megyn Kelly to never sip another alcohol every again if only Jesus would let him be secretary of Defense.
But that’s what happened, according to five sources. Shitfaced literally did this back in February too, CNN reminds us, and the administration had to quickly reverse his foreign policy vomit.
Nobody told Trump. “I don’t know, YOU TELL ME,” he said yesterday.
Nobody told Keith Kellogg, Trump’s Ukraine envoy. Nobody told Marco Rubio, who among his 19 jobs is supposed to be acting National Security Advisor. Didn’t tell Congress. You know Shitfaced is starting to embarrass Trump, because in the response to CNN given by White House Nazi Barbie Karoline Leavitt, she felt the need to reassure the press that “the president has full confidence in the secretary of Defense.”
Hooooooo-kay, nobody asked, but sure.
Anyway, Trump found out about it, and quickly acted to fix Shitfaced’s latest stupid, stupid, stupid fuckup. Thank God the weapons were already in Poland. He even had to explain it to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on the phone. Oh how embarrassing.
But was Shitfaced actually fully passed out at the wheel here? Possibly. Because CNN and now Politico are also reporting that the real decision to halt the weapons shipments was made by one of his underling little bitches at the Pentagon, Eldridge Colby, whose name frequently comes up when the subject is “guy who thinks he makes administration policy but doesn’t.”
“I think it’s all made by the DOD policy director, this Colby guy. We essentially don’t have a national security adviser,” said Rep. Michael McCaul (R-Texas). “I’m not even sure [Secretary of State Marco] Rubio was consulted on this one … There’s internal division in the White House.”
So too says CNN in last night’s report. Eldridge Colby made the recommendation to Deputy Secretary of Defense Steve Feinberg, and Shitfaced said “Woooooo hoooooooooo!” when the question landed on his desk.
It’s not that we should necessarily be encouraged that Trump is soberly assessing Putin for the first time, looking deep into his eyes and seeing his soul, or that he’s doing the right thing sending these weapons, for the right reasons. He’s not. He’s a fucking idiot, and he will do whatever he’s encouraged to do by whoever licks his ass next.
But it’s happening. The Wall Street Journal even reported last night that Trump is considering sending Ukraine another Patriot air defense system, which would be the first time Trump has sent Ukraine something that didn’t originate with President Joe Biden’s administration.
Trump has voiced more concern about Ukraine’s defensive needs in recent weeks as it faces an onslaught of Russian missile and drone attacks. He has also praised Ukrainian troops for their fight against the Russian invasion. “The Ukrainians, whether you think it is unfair that we gave all that money or not, they were very brave,” he said.
Wow.
Well again, it’s not like we can be confident Trump has seen Jesus and decided to do the right thing or anything, or that he’s in control. He’s being undermined by his former BFF Vladimir Putin, he’s being undermined by the fucking dumbass who thinks Trump gave him that job at the Pentagon for some reason relating to his qualifications and not just because Trump saw him on TV.
(To put a fine point on just how much Putin is undermining and humiliating Trump here, audio just leaked of Trump telling donors last year that he literally threatened to “bomb the shit out of Moscow” if Putin invaded Ukraine. Obviously Putin took that to heart.)
But MAGA piss sniffers like Todd Starnes are absolutely losing it over Trump deciding he’s president or something and reversing Secretary Shitfaced’s genius foreign policy moves. And those people are already so upset Trump is hiding the Epstein sausage from them!
So that’s fun!
Everybody in this story is just absolutely nailing it, no notes, and Donald Trump has total control of his presidency and also his brain.
Yep.
[Politico / Wall Street Journal]
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My new go-to response:
OGNB's doctor: "Have you been doing those rehab exercises for your foot and ankle?"
OGNB: "I don’t know, YOU TELL ME.”
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
“He is obviously evil, yes, but he is crucially also the biggest mark of all time. He once thought Vince McMahon was dead because he saw his limousine explode on Monday Night Raw.”
A massive part of the problem with him is that he is a credulous arsehole. Coupled with the fact that he still has this belief that being on TV (and only TV) gives someone credibility, it explains a lot about how he is this sponge for Fox News bullshit. I say often that he is his base, and this is one of the ways that's true- as surely as they will eat up with a spoon any bullshit that comes from that channel, so too will Trump. As surely as they will roll around in Facebook bullshit conspiracy theories, Protocols of the Elders of Zion as memes, and convince themselves they're true, so will he- once he sees those memes on TV.