Marco Rubio Has All The Jobs, And Also None Of The Jobs
How DOES he juggle all these excellent jobs he's doing?
Marco Rubio quit the Senate for this.
And Mike Waltz quit the House for this.
And Elise Stefanik was going to quit the House for this, but then Donald Trump got scared her seat might go to a Democrat (because people hate him so much), so he yanked her nomination for UN ambassador and made her go back to stinky old Congress with icky creepo perv Speaker Mike Johnson, and we guarantee you she is not over that yet.
You might have heard that yesterday there was a SHAKEUP! in the Trump White House, the first extremely visibly embarrassing one.
Trump fired National Security Advisor Mike Waltz on Thursday, as well as Waltz’s NSC deputy Alex Wong, but not because Waltz is a dipshit who added Jeffrey Goldberg from The Atlantic to a Signal chat where Pete Hegseth was excitedly pulling down his pants and showing everybody his Yemen war plans on a completely unsecured channel, it was not about that. The White House is saying it wasn’t about that, or at least not just about that.
We reckon it is probably partially because the Signalgate affair picked at the scabs of Trump’s paranoia that Waltz was talking to reporters behind his back. In other words, not the actual scandal itself, but the fact that Waltz had Goldberg’s number in his cell phone and couldn’t come up with a good lie as to why.
Maybe Goldberg got “sucked” into that Signal chat somehow! Maybe he sucked himself into it! The excuses were ridiculous.
Other reasons for Waltz’s firing? Well, Steve Bannon wanted him fired, and Laura Loomer has basically been accusing his deputy Alex Wong of being a Chinese spy.
Sooooooo.
So yeah, he fired. Trump fired him so hard he did it by nominating him to be the new UN ambassador instead of Elise Stefanik. Class, how much regard does Donald Trump have for the United Nations? Yeah, Trump stuck Mike Waltz there to keep the seat warm and to stuff him in a cubbyhole far away in New York.
Of course, it’s funny because two days ago, in the Trump rub-and-tug Cabinet meeting with his professional Cabinet of rubbers and tuggers — reportedly before Trump made this decision — Waltz got caught playing with Signal on his phone. Yes again.
That guy is just nailing it.
Waltz was never a “good” choice for NSA, as he is thoroughly a dumbass, but then again, none of Trump’s hiring choices are “good.” As one House Republican remarked, Waltz was in “way over his head” at the National Security Council. But Trump doesn’t have the judgment to pick out things like utter incompetence. Look at Pete Hegseth.
At the UN, we imagine Waltz will have the opportunity to put America’s national security in even more danger by playing with his Signal in front of everybody. (If the Senate confirms him, which we are sure it will. Confirmation hearings should be hilarious and all about Signalgate, though.)
Wonder if there are any hostile foreign spies hanging around UN HQ who might want to read Mike Waltz’s Signal chats? More than are hanging around Trump’s White House? Ha ha, we don’t want to know.
SO!
How does Marco Rubio’s ass get dragged into this?
Glad you asked!
Because Trump made Marco Rubio the acting national security advisor in Waltz’s absence!
Don’t worry, Marco is still the secretary of State.
And the acting chief of USAID.
And the acting chief of the National Archives.
Marco Rubio is all the jobs! All the jobs is Marco Rubio!
Of course, it is also true that Marco Rubio is none of the jobs, and none of the jobs is Marco Rubio.
Trump and Elon Musk fucked USAID to death and canceled all the HIV medicine for the babies and so much more. They will be directly responsible for the murders of untold numbers of people around the world as a result. Pardon us if we don’t think Liddle Marco is putting in a lot of time trying to claw all that back.
Do we think he’s actually doing anything as acting director of the National Archives? Is that agency important to Trump, beyond how he hates them because they’re the ones who were all mad he stole all those classified documents to read on the toilet at Mar-a-Lago? Gonna guess that’s a nope.
And over at State, where Marco is in “charge” of “diplomacy” — something Donald Trump values so much! — is he very busy? Or is he just a placeholder idiot who’s not actually in charge of anything? Trump has all these special envoys for the Middle East and for sucking Vladimir Putin’s cock and etc. The State Department is not doing the diplomacy. Marco is not doing the diplomacy.
And now he is the “acting National Security Advisor,” which suggests to us he’s going to just sit subserviently next to Trump a whole lot more like you see above, dutifully doing a whole lot more fucking nothing, maybe with an extra folder in front of him that says “NSA.”
That’ll teach him to make jokes about Donald Trump’s little dick during debates in 2016.
So what have we learned from this experience?
Well, for one, Trump still has a thing with bad national security advisors! Four in the first term, and now he’s already down one in his second. Michael Flynn, his first NSA in his first term, was also the first fired of that administration, after he lied to the FBI about his contacts with the Russian government. He didn’t last anywhere near as long as Waltz, but ooooooooooooh, Trump 2.0 lasted 101 whole days before a firing, oooooooooooh!
Impressive.
And we definitely know Signalgate didn’t teach Trump or any of these other traitor dicks anything, because if anybody needs firing for that, it’s Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth, who along with his current/for-however-long third wife is clearly a far greater threat to national security than Waltz, since he’s the one who put the classified war plans in that Signal chat in the first place. And into the other Signal chat, which he started, the one where he pulled down his pants and showed his family his war plans.
![THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fbb01e885-c6e1-4841-8d3d-4e2eb2dad8a8_1068x606.png)
The other thing we are pretty sure we have learned is that the myth of Trump 2.0 being some kind of well-lubricated machine is officially done. The facade is coming down, these dipshits might have had more organized plans (Project 2025, etc.) coming in, and they may still be absolute Nazis hellbent on destroying the United States as we know it, but they are also the same completely incompetent fucking losers they were in Trump 1.0.
With all the grownups purged this time around, that might have meant this was a good team for the initial evil shock-and-awe, but it doesn’t bode well for sustaining itself as a functioning authoritarian government.
Did you hear a Trump-appointed judge just put a permanent injunction on Trump using the Alien Enemies Act to send people he feels racist hatred for to concentration camps in El Salvador?
Did you see that whole Cabinet meeting, which was like hospice for a dying dictatorship, where Pam Bondi was all like OMG MISTER PREZNIT YOU PERSONALLY SAVED 258 MILLION AMERICANS FROM EATING ALL THE FENTANYL THEY ARE ALWAYS EATING! PRAISE JESUS JUST KIDDING PRAISE TRUMP! Embarrassing.
Did you see the economy shrank this week, for the first time since COVID?
Did you see how Amazon might have caved on displaying tariff charges for customers, but not before loudly teaching Americans exactly what Trump’s stupid tariffs are doing to prices?
Did you see how Trump-licking buffoon Ed Martin’s nomination to be the confirmed US attorney in DC is on the skids — the guy who’s like DURRRR I did not know that obvious Nazi guy I praised was a Nazi and DURRRRR I am a celebrity on Russian state media! and so much more terribleness — and we’re hearing rumblings that he really might not get confirmed?
Rachel Maddow likes to call this administration’s work quality “shambolic.” It really is.
And we agree with her that Trump 2.0 is likely to get far worse before things get better, because when fuckups like this fuck up this hard, they’re bound to start lashing out and doing even stupider, more evil things.
But we’re pretty sure it’s over for this loser presidency, the most historically hated loser presidency in the history of loser presidencies.
We just have to endure it as it plays out.
We are sure Marco Rubio will do a great job as Secretary of All The Jobs, And Maybe Some More Jobs Too, while it all continues to fall apart. Maybe he will even get some more jobs!
If he ends up with a fifth job, he will qualify for a five-subject notebook!
Mazel tov, Liddle Marco. Karma did this to you.
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Every time I see a picture of Rubio in the presence of TFG, he looks like someone who really REALLY hates his life.
good.
Trump: “wait, Waltz has to be confirmed under oath? Fuck”
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.