Which Other Holidays Oppressed Conservatives On Easter?

So, so many other holidays!

Apr 01, 2024

As we all know, one of the most vicious forms of Christian oppression is the acknowledgement of holidays other than their own. Every year around Christmastime, we hear their cries of anguish as store clerks across the nation wish people “Happy Holidays,” cruelly refusing to just assume that everyone is a Christian, which is more or less the same thing as spitting in their faces.

But now it’s not just the winter holidays that are forever tainted!

This weekend, conservatives lost their absolute minds over their belief that President Joe Biden had nefariously replaced the entire holiday of Easter — which itself definitely did not replace a pagan holiday celebrating the spring equinox and the goddess Eostre or Ostara, but rather was just a random name that Christians came up in order with to celebrate the resurrection of their lord and savior with eggs and bunnies — with the Transgender Day of Visibility.

Sure, some might say the Transgender Day of Visibility is on a fixed day every year and Easter changes every year for reasons definitely having nothing to do with the spring equinox, but if Biden really cared about about Christian conservatives, he would have kept transgender people invisible that day so they could celebrate their holiday in peace, without acknowledging the existence of people they would prefer not exist.

But, tragically, the Transgender Day of Visibility was not the only holiday to oppress Christian conservatives this year. As Donald Trump Jr. tragically learned from Nancy Pelosi, March 31 was also Cesar Chavez Day!

Coinciding with Cesar Chavez Day, it was also National Farm Workers Day. And you know what many farm workers are, right? Yes, immigrants! Who Jesus hated almost as much as he famously hated trans people! That’s how the Bible goes, right? Just a general list of people Jesus hated and dreamt of discriminating against?

Oh, the humanity of it all! Truly, they are gold medalists of the oppression Olympics, because who the hell else is oppressed by other people simply existing, or by other unrelated holidays that happen to fall on their special holiday? No one I can think of!

Of course, because every day is 67 different holidays now, yesterday was also National Après Day, in which people are meant to après ski whether they have been skiing or not. The holiday was established by Breckenridge Distillery. Yes, Breckenridge. Like Bunny Breckinridge, the drag queen/actor who played The Ruler in Ed Wood’s Plan Nine From Outer Space! Or Myra Breckinridge, the transgender title character of Gore Vidal’s 1968 novel and its 1970 film adaptation starring Raquel Welch and known hussy Mae West!

Not only that, it was National Bunsen Burner Day, a day meant to celebrate science, a well-known enemy of Good Christians everywhere. Robert Bunsen also found the antidote to arsenic, which people now take instead of letting their God-given natural immune systems handle it.

But wait — it gets worse! Sunday was also National She’s Funny That Way Day, celebrating female comedians. Female comedians like … well, you know.

It is also National Hug A Medievalist Day, which is likely upsetting to the many conservatives who wish to pretend that everyone in Medieval times (get it?!?) was white, and keep having that parade rained on by people who actually know what they are talking about. How rude!

Oh! And it’s Eiffel Tower Day! For people who don’t even eat Freedom Fries!

It’s National Tater Day, and … Irish people were probably the first wave of Most Hated Immigrants? Maybe?

I assume they’re probably okay with it being Terri’s Day, named for Terri Schiavo, a braindead woman they had hoped to keep hitched to a machine in order to give her a chance to resurrect just like Jesus did.

It’s National Dance Marathon Day, which, as John Lithgow can tell you, is basically a mortal sin. Jesus hates dancing!

Especially to that obscene rock and roll music!

It is also National Clams on the Half Shell Day, when by all rights it should be National Mary on the Half Shell Day, a beautiful day when everyone celebrates Jesus’s resurrection by burying their old bathtub in the front yard and putting a statue of the Virgin Mary in it.

Full of grace! Full of grace! Credit: Boyce Duprey

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It sure is rude of all of these holidays to not be canceled so that God-fearing Christians could celebrate Easter without worrying that someone might also be celebrating an anesthesia tech (it’s also Anesthesia Tech Day). Or worse, a transgender anesthesia tech! If people had any decency, they would cancel every single holiday from March 22 to April 25, just to be certain that it would never, ever fall on the same day as Easter.

Surely, this is the only thing that makes sense.

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