Christmastime is a wonderful time of the year, when rightwing kooks explain that Santa Claus can only be a white man (and Nutcrackers must be straight) but that Santa won’t be bringing any presents because Joe Biden emptied the store shelves or made them too expensive.
It’s also an excuse for grown up, alleged adults to accuse Special Counsel Jack Smith of being the Grinch, and for Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina) to deliver a batshit crazy speech about how school lunch programs should bring back whole milk — both regular and “flavored” — to school lunches so children won’t die from drinking that shitty socialist fat-free or low-fat crap that Michelle Obama forced on them because Democrats hate children and want them to eat healthier.
In her speech, Foxx explained Santa needs the superhuman energy that only whole milk can provide, to fuel his yearly extravaganza of global B&E gift-giving. Whole milk, she explained, is the “unsung hero of his Christmas journey.” We can hardly wait for the Rankin-Bass puppet-animated TV special.
Here’s Foxx’s deranged milky oration, which sounds remarkably like the kind of dairy industry produced “educational” filmstrip we had to watch in elementary school in the 1970s. Add the frame-advance beeps in your head.
Credit to HuffPost for this very good joke:
Santa Claus needs to drink whole milk “to travel the whole globe in one night,” she said, perhaps confusing the effects of dairy with amphetamines.
She went on to explain that milk is the real Reason for the Season (plus Jesus of course, but He has His own lobbyists).
“You see, it’s not just the magic of the season that helps Santa deliver presents worldwide. It’s also the fortifying nutrients of whole milk. Reflecting on Christmas traditions this year begs the question, ‘If whole milk is a good option to fuel Santa’s extraordinary Christmas Eve journey, then why isn’t it an option for American schoolchildren in their lunchrooms?’”
Foxx went on to decry the “anti-milk advocates” who say whole milk isn’t healthy for kids, and shame on them, because milk includes “13 essential nutrients,” so there.
This reminded us of another long-ago dalliance between Republicans and the dairy industry, when Richard Nixon cheerfully invited milk lobbyists to the White House in 1971 to trade a $2 million campaign contribution for higher dairy subsidies, which would result in higher milk prices for consumers. And even for Santa! (That’s what the history site says; we don’t know why higher subsidies would mean higher prices either!)
It was all caught on Nixon’s Oval Office tapes, including an awkward moment when Nixon told them to stop talking about the bribe until later and then noted fuck it, “the room’s not tapped.” Here’s some, as recreated by Harry Shearer as Nixon from the actual tapes and transcripts:
What we are saying here is that of course the House’s stupid whole milk bill passed, although Crom only knows whether it’ll get anywhere in the Senate. [Note from the editrix: I don’t think it’s stupid to allow schools to offer whole milk, and I do think outlawing it is a bit nanny statish. In This House we use heavy cream.]
No, the bill definitely doesn’t provide support for schools to feed all students at no cost to families. Industry deserves taxpayer funding, but children must learn the value of hard work and paying your own way.
In conclusion, this wasn’t a funny little story about a batty rightwing legislator at all, and now we hanker for a hunka cheese.
I always thought that PSA was funded by the dairy industry too, but it turns out it was an internal ABC Television thing, back when there were Saturday morning cartoons and TV networks actually tried to do educational programming. Happy holidays!
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[The Recount on Twitter / HuffPost / The Hill / ]
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A snack that is a winner
And yet, won't spoil my dinner
I hanker for a hunk of cheese
I still have all the words from that "hanker for a hunk of cheese song" memorized. I can't remember what I had for breakfast, but my mind retains the important stuff.
There was me, that is Ciaobella, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Virginia Foxx Middle School Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winter bastard though dry. The Virginia Foxx Middle School Milkbar was a whole-milk mesto, and you may, O my brothers, have forgotten what these whole-milk mestos were like, things changing so skorry these days and everybody very quick to forget, newspapers not being read much neither.