Zohran Mamdani Spoke Mandarin And Jesse Watters Says That's Just Like ISIS Because ...
'Kay.
Have you all seen the adorable and hot video of New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani speaking Mandarin as he promotes the city’s program for giving free Broadway tickets to high schoolers? Mister Mayor Polyglot doesn’t actually speak Mandarin, but we are sure he will by next week, he’s just that kind of guy. He has studied it though, a long time ago in high school, and his accent was apparently not that bad, according to people who know.
Mamdani also did the announcement in Bengali, because why not. In response to his Spanish version, Duolingo’s account asked, “how do you know every language.” The blooper reel is funny, too.
Mamdani does stuff like this a lot. Remember his Spanish videos with AOC?
He does this because he is smarter than most people, and better, and cuter, and he actually takes seriously being a mayor for all of New York, and that is why his approval rating is 69 percent, as opposed to racist dirty diaper Donald Trump, whose approval rating is 33 percent or lower. (Except with NATALIE, and hers is the only approval rating that matters. With NATALIE Trump’s approval rating is “His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold!”)
Also he is just kind of a polyglot. His Arabic is gorgeous. He speaks some Luganda, having been born in Uganda — he told Charles Blow he speaks just enough “to hustle.” Swahili, Hindi. Clearly he has a proficiency for it, but as any active student of languages can tell you (raises hand), when you open yourself up to a language, you open yourself up to new worlds, which sounds very fucking Reading Rainbow when we type it, but it’s true.
All of this is extremely threatening to America’s smallest, weakest, most expendable people, namely the MAGA men, and Jesse Watters, one of their most pathetic avatars, is here to explain why he and his viewers feel threatened by Mamdani speaking Mandarin in a video about a lottery for free Broadway tickets for New York high schoolers.
“The commies just found the Rosetta Stone!”
He has to introduce it this way because Fox News viewers are pigs who don’t even speak their native language well. Gotta make it sound exotic!
“Mamdani, speaking the language of the revolution — Mandarin Chinese.”
Look up at that graphic, y’all. “The Commie Rosetta Stone”? Do those words mean something to fearful MAGA dipshits who lack upper body strength?
“And just like the chairman, he’s sending in the Red Guards to purge the productive class.”
Are the Red Guards in the room with us right now?
Watters then switched to showing random YouTube videos meant to make white Fox News viewers who are watching because their grown adult kids didn’t call tonight either shit their pants. Somebody from the “Marxist Unity Group” who says something about giving the capitalists a “bloody nose.”
OOGA BOOGA.
“Mamdani may be speaking Chinese, but his comrades are telling the country what they want in plain English. These tactics, straight out of the Soviet playbook. Bash the capitalists and burn the Constitution.”
Pretty sure Donald Trump and Todd Blanche are burning the Constitution all on their own.
Jesse showed another video of some guy on YouTube in his mom’s basement who says he hates the Constitution, and then another clip of somebody who wants to abolish the Senate. (Which is not one of the DSA’s more terrible ideas.)
“No Senate means no checks and balances!” exclaims Jesse, as if checks and balances are so strong right now, with the branches of government taking turns sucking Trump’s weird toadstool dick off while Jesse Watters does his best impression of the famous North Korean news lady each night.
Remember that this segment started with Zohran Mamdani speaking Mandarin as part of a promo video to let kids in New York go see Broadway shows.
Anyway, Jesse just babbles on and on, the way he does. For some reason he calls Hakeem Jeffries “Hips.” Point is, at some point Jesse got the wild idea that he’s a valuable man with a valuable opinion that deserves to be heard. (Probably that liberal mom of his.) Would a valuable man with a valuable opinion have to let the air out of his now-wife’s tires like a common ice cream van driver to trick her into getting into his car?
Watters concluded:
“They hate the Constitution and they wanna punch you in the face. These people are just a nicer version of ISIS.”
That does sound like ISIS.
Anyway, NICE-is! That’s hilarious, put it on a T-shirt. Put Zohran’s face on it, wear it to dinner with your Fox News-watching grandparents, ha ha just kidding, you don’t speak to them, just like Jesse Watters may or may not be welcome at his family’s Thanksgivings these days.
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This is exactly what you want the mayor of a huge, polyglot city to do - it's welcoming and in touch.
"when you open yourself up to a language, you open yourself up to new worlds, which sounds very fucking Reading Rainbow when we type it, but it’s true."
That's just wonderful! A+