Trump Is Ready To F*ck Sh*t UP For ERIC In Missouri Senate Primary!
Former President Chaos Monkey worked his magic last night on Missouri's US Senate primary. MAGA entropicus schadenfreude covfefe!
"I will be Endorsing in the Great State of Missouri Republican race (Nomination) for Senate some time today!" he arglebargled on not-Twitter in the morning, sending Eric Greitens's campaign into an ecstatic tizzy. Would Trump's endorsement on the eve of today's election be enough to push the former governor and current rancid tire fire over the top?
Wonkers, before we get into it, it is absolutely essential that you click play on the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song. Just trust us.
In recent weeks, Greitens, the early frontrunner whose campaign is being run by Don Jr.'s ladyfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle, had fallen to third place in the polls. He'd failed to impress voters with a series of unhinged campaign ads threatening to shoot down "RINOs" like The Deer Hunter. The abuse allegations by his ex-wife didn't help either. Rep. Vicky Hartzler, backed by Senator Josh Hawley but un-endorsed by Trump, was in second, with Missouri Attorney General Eric Schmitt leading the pack. Schmitt is truly vile, but in a normal-for-Republicans way, using his office to file dozens of performative lawsuits on everything from mask mandates to "critical race theory" to immigration in an effort to boost his MAGA bona fides.
Over at the Schmitt campaign, there was also great excitement over Trump's endorsement announcement. Because Trump had called up the candidate and told him "You'll be happy."
AS HE HAD DONE FOR ERIC GREITENS.
That's right, Trump promised his endorsement to both candidates after an afternoon playing Guilfoyle off against Hawley and RNC chair Ronna Romney McDaniel, who said that Greitens's many scandals would jeopardize the GOP's chances of holding the seat, or at least make it expensive to hold.
What followed was a piece of dementia as performance art, according to Politico:
As the meeting wore on, those familiar with what transpired say, Trump began to lose patience. At one point it was suggested that he could endorse “Eric,” and that by doing so he would be supporting both Schmitt and Greitens.
It was a madcap exit ramp. But Trump went in on the details, asking if the two candidates’ first names were spelled identically — noting that it wouldn’t work if they weren’t. While Trump was intrigued, he also remarked that it might be too cute. He asked for draft endorsements to review, one announcing his support for Schmitt, the other for Greitens.
"Too cute"? Well ... that's one way of putting it.
In the event, Trump put out a statement exhorting Missouri voters to "send a MAGA Champion and a True Warrior to the U.S. Senate, someone who will fight for Border Security, Election Integrity, our Military and Great Veterans, together with having a powerful toughness on Crime and the Border."
“We need a person who will not back down the Radical Left Lunatics who are destroying our Country," he rambled. "I trust the Great People of Missouri, on this one, to make up their own minds, much as they did when they gave me landslide victories in the 2016 and 2020 Elections, and I am therefore proud to announce that ERIC has my Complete and Total Endorsement!”
ERIC! Hooray! But ... Eric WHO? Was the old man so demented that he'd forgotten to type Greitens, in an epic pratfall?
No! The premiere merchant of chaos did this on purpose, his spokesman Taylor Budowich assured the public.
\u201c45: I trust the Great People of Missouri, on this one, to make up their own minds, much as they did when they gave me landslide victories in the 2016 and 2020 Elections, and I am therefore proud to announce that ERIC has my Complete and Total Endorsement!\u201d— Taylor Budowich (@Taylor Budowich) 1659391724
You know it's a really good joke if you have to explain it.
Immediately the Greitens campaign congratulated itself for tying down that endorsement, with or without Trump's consent.
\u201cHonored to have the support of President Trump! We will MAGA! \ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8\u201d— Eric Greitens (@Eric Greitens) 1659392098
And so did Schmitt.
\u201c\ud83d\udea8ENDORSEMENT\u2014PRESIDENT TRUMP\ud83d\udea8I\u2019m grateful for President Trump\u2019s endorsement. As the only America First candidate who has actually fought for election integrity, border security & against the Left\u2019s indoctrination of our kids\u2014I\u2019ll take that fight to the Senate to SAVE AMERICA!\u201d— Eric Schmitt (@Eric Schmitt) 1659394242
You heard the man, Missouri! Vote for ERIC, the candidate who is NOT VICKY.
Tomorrow Trump will claim credit for pushing ERIC over the finish line — whichever ERIC that may be. Take that one to the bank!
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.