Oh THAT Stolen Mar-a-Lago Nuke Doc? Trump Did Not Know You Meant THAT Stolen Mar-a-Lago Nuke Doc!

Every chance he gets, Donald Trump has been screaming about where the supposed nuclear documents he stole from Mar-a-Lago are, since there was all that speculation at the beginning that he had stolen some kind of nuclear secrets maybe to sell them to his best friends the Saudis, if we were to hazard a guess. From the beginning, it's been such a curiosity to try to figure out what kinds of ways Trump might have betrayed America.

A sampling of what Trump has said about that:

“Nuclear weapons issue is a Hoax, just like Russia, Russia, Russia was a Hoax, two Impeachments were a Hoax, the Mueller investigation was a Hoax, and much more. Same sleazy people involved."

Right, etc., and so forth.

But since the Department of Justice didn't immediately come forward to say "Here are the nuclear secrets Trump stole, for us all to read to each other for bedtime stories" — and wouldn't they do that if this was a true witch hunt? — that must have meant it was all a lie. WHAR NUCLEAR, LIBS?

The American and foreign presses are currently loudly shouting that one (1) document found at Mar-a-Lago was indeed about a nation's nuclear capabilities. Another nation's nuclear capabilities. Which could mean so many things!

A document describing a foreign government’s military defenses, including its nuclear capabilities, was found by FBI agents who searched former president Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residenceand private club last month, according to people familiar with the matter, underscoring concerns among U.S. intelligence officials about classified material stashed in the Florida property.

Among the thoughts that immediately come to our minds:

1. Well there aren't that many nuclear nations. There are eight of them plus Israel, which gets very bashful when you talk about its giant stockpile of nukes so SHHH. It's kind of a short list of what Trump could have had his grubby paws on at Mar-a-Lago.

2. What, is it not technically treason if you steal another country's nuclear secrets — like maybe one of our allies — to deliver unto somebody else or maybe to use for blackmail purposes or something else we're not thinking of right now? Because that there would be a mighty loophole!

3. Oh THAT Mar-a-Lago nuclear document? We did not realize you meant THAT Mar-a-Lago nuclear document!

As for the provenance of other highly guarded state secrets Trump stole, the Washington Post reports that "Some seized documents were so closely held, only the president, a Cabinet-level or near-Cabinet level official could authorize others to know" about them. It elaborates:

Some of the seized documents detail top-secret U.S. operations so closely guarded that many senior national security officials are kept in the dark about them. Only the president, some members of his Cabinet or anear-Cabinet-level official could authorize other government officials to know details of these special-access programs, according to people familiar with the search, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe sensitive details of an ongoing investigation.

Top-secret US operations, that says. Many NatSec officials kept in the dark. Sounds very legal and very cool!

But yes, Judge Dumbfuck of Miami, please tell us more about how a Special Master needs to sift through this stuff to make sure none of it is privileged documentation of farting contests Trump and Rudy Giuliani had on Air Force One.

Documents about such highly classified operations require special clearances on a need-to-know basis, not just top-secret clearance. Some special-access programs can have as few as a couple dozen government personnel authorized to know of an operation’s existence. Records that deal with such programs are kept under lock and key, almost always in a secure compartmented information facility, with a designated control officer to keep careful tabs on their location.

OR maybe some place secure like the closet at Mar-a-Lago that has the big inflatable toys Eric and Junior like to play with in the pool? Whatever it is, we can be sure Trump didn't just store them ON THE FLOOR, because Eric was on Fox News again last night assuring us Trump is not MESSY with his stolen treason documents.

Donald Trump's lawyer Christopher Kise is quoted in the Post being very mad that this story leaked to the press, and that we're not respecting the sensible path forward laid out by Trump's Adopt-A-Judge program beneficiary Aileen Cannon:

[Kise] decried leaks about the case, which he said “continue with no respect for the process nor any regard for the real truth. This does not serve well the interests of justice.”

“Moreover, the damage to public confidence in the integrity of the system simply cannot be underestimated. The responsible course of action here would be for someone — anyone — in the Government to exercise leadership and control." The Court has provided a sensible path forward which does not include the selective leak of unverifiable and misleading information. There is no reason to deviate from that path if the goal is, as it should be, to find a rational solution to document storage issues which have needlessly spiraled out of control.”

Oh go find something to suck on and fuck off.

Meanwhile, here is Trump's other moron lawyer Alina Habba last night telling Sean Hannity that this new Special Master ruling will "stop any criminal investigation [...] dead in its tracks, until that Special Master gets into play." In case there was any confusion over what they're doing here.

Because Wonkette is not that dumb, we are guessing that leaks such as OH HERE'S SOME OF THE CLOSELY GUARDED SECRETS HE STOLE gets in the way of all the very clever ways Trump and his lawyers and his Look For The Helper Mr. Rogers Judge in south Florida are trying to stop the criminal investigation into OH HERE'S SOME OF THE CLOSELY GUARDED SECRETS HE STOLE.

We are just beginning to find out what is in all these documents, but just this scoop from the Washington Post sounds breathtakingly awful. This is truly the most Top Secret of the Top Secret, and we have no idea what the leader of America's largest insurgent insurrectionist movement wanted to do with it. Nuclear secrets, HUMINT (docs on Top Secret human intelligence sources), things that according to this report are so high-level even many of President Joe Biden's top national security people don't have the clearance to see them, god knows what else.

Just sitting around in a desk at Mar-a-Lago, or in the closet by the pool, but DEFINITELY NOT JUST ON THE FLOOR, OK?

Put him in prison for the rest of his pathetic life.

[Washington Post]

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc