Alan Dershowitz Goes Hunting For Forbidden Dumpling Again, Is Denied, Again
No panties were removed in the search for this pierogi.
You didn’t think Alan Dershowitz Got Discriminated Against by Antisemitic Martha’s Vineyard Pierogis was going to be a one-week story, did you? Ha ha! You don’t know Alan Dershowitz!
Alan Dershowitz Suing Martha’s Vineyard Farmer's Market Vendor For Tortious Withholding Of Dumpling
Everyone hopefully knows the basic folds of this story by now: Alan Dershowitz, history’s greatest lawyer, went to the farmer’s market last week in Martha’s Vineyard, where he lives sometimes even though literally all his neighbors scamper when they see him coming and Larry David hurts his feelings at brunch and Barack Obama doesn’t come to his birthday parties and the town librarian is the devil. Whereupon a new enemy appearedeth unto him, and it was this hero pierogi stand that said fuck off, Epstein lawyer, and refused to sell him pierogis.
He wanted them, though.
So he complained and acted like a real bitch and accused the pierogi stand of being antisemitic — the pierogis say they’re not — and misgendered the person making the pierogis he wanted — you know, all the tools of persuasion you learn about in Sales 101 — and almost got his ass kicked out of the farmer’s market.
Then he went home to whine on Rumble for the rest of the afternoon about how he was going to sue the pierogi stand for tortious Hungry Hungry Hippos For Pierogis.
So of course Alan Dershowitz went back to the farmer’s market again on Wednesday to try to charm them anew, to see if they might have had a change of heart, if they would acquiesce to slipping him some dumpling.
They did not acquiesce to slipping him some dumpling.
He came with new tricks this time, though.
Spoiler, the new trick was that he … tried to give the kind folks at Good Pierogi a … signed copy of … his book?
Bless his heart. And who knows, maybe they’ve long ago taken their various pierogi riches and bought a copy of it! Does Alan Dershowitz want to be sitting there with his dick out (PROVERBIALLY, Alan Dershowitz is a nudist but not when he’s at the farmer’s market or at Jeffrey Epstein’s house getting rubbed) trying to give the cruel pierogi dealer a gift they already have, in exchange for their elusive moist dumpling?
What a humiliation that would be.
OK, so Dersh walks up and says he wants to give them his signed book “in an effort to restore community and to ask you sell me pierogi.” He says he wants to keep Martha’s Vineyard together and united, so that they do not have to have “two pierogi stands.”
Yes.
He says he doesn’t want there to have to be one stand for anti-Zionists and “one for people who will sell to anybody.” That’s the moment when the gathered crowd started audibly groaning like oh fuck this shit.
The nice vendor says, “I am very surprised that you’re here because of the things that you’ve been saying about us and the business online […] I really do not appreciate what you’ve been sharing in the last week.”
To which Alan Dershowitz — that Persuasive Peggy! — replies, “It’s true.”
“You have proof that I’m an antisemite?” asks the guardian of the pierogis. Dershowitz said they had protested some festival, blah blah. It was not proof they were antisemitic.
Speaking of, that was the moment Dershowitz chose to misgender the pierogi vendor, whose pronouns are “they/them,” and Dershowitz knows this, and they reminded him that he knows this.
At this point, a woman named Talia Weingarten showed up, explained she was Jewish and part of the protest Dershowitz was bitching about, and when he kept speaking over her, she politely informed him that this was “not a cross-examination, this is a conversation.” She went on: “My Jewish culture is a history of resistance against genocide, we are not antisemites, we stand against oppression of all people.”
(Did we mention that the hero vendor, whose name is Krem Miskevich, is also Jewish? We learn that and much more in the long, important and heartfelt statement Krem and their spouse Lily Rose, co-owners of Good Pierogi, posted on Insta. Krem’s friends call them “Rabbi Krem.” Won’t somebody make all these Jews stop doing antisemitism to Alan Dershowitz!)
Anyway, Alan Dershowitz did not like any of this one bit, and he started queening out something fierce, over cheers from the crowd (not for him) and eventually “Time to go!” from the crowd (for him).
Alan Dershowitz started calling everybody at the pierogi stand a bigot. Another customer shouted and pointed at him, “My grandparents died in the Holocaust! Don’t you call me an antisemite!”
Near the end of the video, someone asserts, “There are other people who want pierogis!” and by their tone of voice, you can tell that they meant people who didn’t constantly defend Hitler Trump throughout his impeachments and who weren’t Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer.
Everybody clapped when Ethan Tisbury, the manager of the West Tisbury Farmers’ Market, told Alan Dershowitz it was time to GTFO.
Can you believe none of Alan Dershowitz’s charm tactics put any pierogi in his belly? Us neither, whoa.
The final slide of Good Pierogi’s statement about all this shit says:
And that is fucking hilarious and they get the last word, the end.
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Yet another MAGA choad that can't grok that NO means NO, fucking creep.
| Alan Dershowitz Goes Hunting For Forbidden Dumpling Again, Is Denied, Again |
Alan Dershowitz + Alan Dershowitz = A Dim Sum