Alex Jones Handling The Onion's Infowars Hostile Takeover About As Well As You'd Expect

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of schadenfreude.

Third-easiest photoshoop ever.

Nearly a year and a half after we briefly celebrated the news that The Onion would take over Alex Jones’s conspiracy-mongering website InfoWars, it looks like it’s finally happening for real. The Onion, through its real corporate identity “Global Tetrahedron” (and fake CEO “Bryce P. Tetraeder”) announced this week that it has reached an agreement to take over InfoWars and convert it into a parody of itself. That’s still subject to approval from the judge in the defamation case against Jones, who was ordered to pay nearly $1.5 billion to the families of Sandy Hook victims he’d smeared as crisis actors whose children weren’t actually killed. Since Jones lost two defamation suits brought by victims’ families, he’s done all he can to avoid paying a penny in damages, but this might be the first step in getting some relief to the families.

The deal is certain-ish enough that you can already buy merch, profits from which will be shared with the Sandy Hook families. Sadly, the bogus nutritional supplements, like “Pure O Oxygen tablets,” and a scheme to “turn your piss into gold” (and another to turn your gold into piss), are mysteriously out of stock, as if they were only a joke.

Not surprisingly, Jones is reacting to the news by being a complete weirdo asshole on social media, once more smearing the Sandy Hook families (and promising further smears), and insisting that anyone who opposes him is a literal supporter of Satan-worshiping pedophiles.

In other words, another day, another Alex Jones grift.

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Deja Fake News Blues

As you may recall, we’ve been here before: Shortly after Donald Trump narrowly won reelection in 2024, the winter of our dyspepsia was made more tolerable by the news that The Onion was awarded ownership of InfoWars in a bankruptcy auction, to help start paying the Sandy Hook families who had faced years of harassment and threats from people who believed Jones’s lie that the school shooting was merely staged by the feds so the government could ban guns. Unfortunately, that arrangement was subsequently thrown out by the judge in the bankruptcy case that Jones filed in an attempt to escape paying the defamation judgment.

This time around, CNN reports, The Onion has reached an agreement with the Texas-based receiver appointed by the bankruptcy court to oversee the liquidation of InfoWars’ assets. Instead of owning InfoWars outright, The Onion will at first pay a monthly licensing fee to the overseer for using the name and internet domain. After that, Onion CEO Ben Collins explained to CNN, The Onion has a deal to buy the whole shebang once an existing judicial stay on the sale of InfoWars expires.

Collins has hired comedian and podcaster Tim Heidecker as the creative director to convert InfoWars from a conspiracy site into a comedy hub. Heidecker, who with Eric Wareheim perpetrated the surreal/grossout/weirdass Adult Swim show Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! from 2007 to 2010, cold-called Collins back in 2024 to offer to help with the project, since conspiracy loons were already big on his parody target list. He does a very solid Alex Jones impression, you’ll be glad to know. So far, however, he has kept his shirt on.

Heidecker told Rolling Stone that the revamped InfoWars site will initially go live as a parody of its own conspiracy-obsessed origins, but that he expects it to evolve beyond that over time. It’ll start out mocking Jones and the conspiracysphere, but Heidecker says he has long thought “the satire of what the Infowars Alex Jones universe is has a fairly short runway. It’s going to get old after a little while, and then what do you have?”

He said he hopes to transform the site into a new comedy streaming site that can be profitable, to get money to the Sandy Hook families, that would grow beyond the formal limits of news parody that The Onion is known for, “but still play to the same Onion audience.”

For the short term, while mocking conspiracy wierdos remains the rebuilt site’s focus, Collins told the Wall Street Journal (gift link) that Heidecker and his crew already have some blockbuster conspiracy stories on the way, like an exposé of how “the American people don’t know this, but JFK didn’t kill himself.” Intriguing!

Alex Jones Loses His Shirt … And His Shit

Monday, after the news was announced, Jones responded by walking, shirtless, onto the set of an InfoWars livestream and insisting the buyout wasn’t real, that InfoWars isn’t just a name or URL, it’s YOU, and also that he would reverse the not-real, illegal theft deal in court. He also talked up his new website, which of course we won’t link to. Here’s the video, which you are in no way obligated to watch.

Jones offered a unique, and completely wrong, interpretation of what parody means, and probably defamed his own attorneys by suggesting they’d explained that “You can’t take something over and then act like you’re somebody, even if you say it’s a parody. You could do a parody of somebody, but not if you took something from them. I’ve already checked with lawyers, so they’re in deep shit.”

This is nonsensical bullshit, particularly since The Onion’s version of InfoWars replaces the “o” with the Onion logo to avoid any confusion. I ordered the tote bag myself; the logo is in gay-frog rainbow colors on one side and muted grayscale camo on the other.

“This tote bag has two sides, one for each of your moods. Yes, two moods is all you have.”

Jones also explained why he had to do the schtick without a shirt, his manboobs disturbingly close the face of InfoWars anchor Harrison Smith. “Look, just because you’re wearing my shirt don’t mean you’re me, so let’s be 100 percent clear about that,” he fumed, apparently thinking he was making a really funny and insightful point about “losing his shirt.” He also called The Onion “body snatchers” and has complained about Heidecker’s joke in an interview with Sam Seder that “I just love wearing his skin. I love wearing the man’s skin. What can I say? I’m like Leatherface.” It’s difficult to tell how much of Jones’s outrage and repeated references to the “skin suit” thing is podcaster kayfabe, and how much is the ranting of a dipshit who’s snorted his own supply for so long that he’s unable to talk about anything without connecting it to one conspiracy theory or another.

Old Comedy Sketches Prove Alex Jones Is Fighting Literal Pedophile Demons. As Usual.

Wednesday, Jones rolled out the most deranged phase of his response, in which he claimed that Heidecker’s work on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! proved that he was part of the vast elite child-trafficking ring that QAnon cultists still believe is absolutely real. After all, didn’t Heidecker basically admit to being a fan of child torture and rape on that show? (He didn’t, but Jones knows how to read the secret messages in old Tim and Eric clips, which aren’t cringe humor, but confessions.)

Look at this unhinged nonsense, with Every Single Word Capitalized To Show It’s Important:

caption...

Jones attached to the tweet his evidence that Tim and Eric was a “Pro-Pedophile / Child Torture & Murder Show”: a compilation of clips featuring their surreal cringe-humor fake ads for “Steve Mahanahan’s Child Clown Outlet.” The ads take the easy-to-parody raw material of low-budget local TV ads — “these prices are CRAAAZY!” — and like much of the comedy on Tim and Eric, push the premise to a grotesque extreme: This place doesn’t sell discount appliances, it rents out children in clown costumes, delivered in dog cages, for people to amuse themselves with at home.

But in Jones’s close reading, the ads aren’t absurdist pastiches of consumerism, with a sketchy weirdo renting out clowns who are more or less disposable. No, heavens, he sees the comedy bits as a straightforward portrayal of what those Hollywood Elites actually do, duh.

You might see absurdist cringe humor (and you may find it off-putting, because it quite deliberately is). But what Jones sees (or pretends he sees) is a detailed confession of Tim Heidecker’s “advocacy” of torturing, raping and killing actual children. After all, the show ran around the time that Jeffrey Epstein was committing his crimes, so that magically becomes proof that The Onion is part of the cabal.

Here’s the segment, to which you are not required to subject yourself. If you do watch, we suggest you start at the five-minute mark where the “Alex Jones Show” title appears. Jones actually runs the reel of sketches twice, the second time with his full deranged commentary, so why subject yourself to it more than once?

Jones sees dark conspiracy-theory tropes in every last bit of the sketches. A throwaway line about using an air horn to keep your rented child clowns awake and amusing, for instance, prompts him to mutter, “That’s part of mind control. Sleep deprivation of children. MK Ultra.”

In another bizarre flight of logic, Jones explains that a line about keeping child clowns in line by spraying a little “poison” on them is somehow related to a real, horrific 2023 crime in England involving the murder of a 13-month-old baby by two men — homosexual men, Jones wants us to know —who are currently on trial for the killing.

No, Jones didn’t explain how an American comedy show in the late aughts was obviously about a murder in England nearly 20 years later. The point is that all those people are sick and demonic and they want to take over InfoWars:

“This is The Onion. This is who runs it. This is who thinks they’re taking over. Will they win? It’s up to you. Share this video. Share this report. Stand against these people. They think they’re stronger than you, they think they’re better than you. They think you’re pathetic.”

Jones pitched his new web outlet, and warned that if viewers didn’t go there immediately to buy boner pills and trucker speed, “you’re literally backing the demons of Hell.”

He also hinted that he also had many more shocking revelations lined up, including supposed “whistleblowers” who worked on Tim and Eric, so be sure to keep watching. He also claimed he would soon reveal new information from other “whistleblowers” on the Sandy Hook mass shooting, claiming some were “inside the families,” so we guess he’s trying to get sued again.

Then on Friday Jones posted what he claimed was an “actual mug shot” of Heidecker the monster, posting a fake mug shot made eight years ago as part of a plot line in Heidecker’s online web series/podcast On Cinema, in which his fictional alter ego — also named “Tim Heidecker” — was tried for fictional murders at an entirely fictional music festival.

How much of Jones’s fulminations about his enemies’ satanic crimes is mere kayfabe? Maybe all of it. But he’s certainly acting as if he thinks he’s fighting against an army of monsters, and maybe he’ll sell some vitamin supplements off it.

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[The Onion / CNN / WSJ (gift link) / Hollywood Reporter / Rolling Stone / Media Matters

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