Discover more from Wonkette
ALL SWIFTIES WANT IS SWIFT ABORTION!
We present to you the funniest fucking thing in the world.
It’s not a contest of which extraneous white conservative loser coward MAGA man is having the funniest conniption over America handing the so-called “pro-life” movement its ass Tuesday night and forcing it to eat it.
But Charlie Kirk would like to take a turn, obviously.
Charlie is furious, obviously.
Charlie is mad about a commercial placed by a group called Roe Your Vote Virginia, encouraging young women to vote.
The commercial was a Taylor Swift knockoff. And a Barbie knockoff.
The theme was “Look What You Made Us Do,” and the “You” was patriarchal white Christian fascists and their illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court, and the “What” was voting.
If this isn’t lowly women acting out of turn without regard for interchangeable MAGA dudes like Charlie, he doesn’t know what is.
His tantrum is so amazing, y’all. He’s so angry, and if he keeps scrunching his angry little misshapen face like this, it’s gonna get stuck in a whole different repulsive rhombus shape.
He says abortion is what makes single women so loyal. (Yes, specifically single women. Homely, uninteresting white Christian fascists like Charlie who wouldn’t likely ever be chosen by a human woman if there wasn’t at least some sort of religious/societal pressure involved are very rageful at single women.)
Charlie says single women don’t even care that they’re being “raped by illegals” or about the border. These damned single women don’t care about anything that makes Charlie Kirk’s shit his white supremacist bed at night! And here he is taking the time to tell them what to believe and everything.
“They want to make sure that they can get abortions. It is the top priority for young female voters,” he says.
The end of the commercial says “Keep yourself in power,” and this enrages Charlie, and it’s very funny, because you get to witness in real time the cultural powerlessness of MAGA men, who have nothing to contribute to anyone.
“Keep yourself in power,” he scoffs. “So narcissistic.” Remember, Charlie is part of a Christian fascist white movement of people, loathed by all normal Americans, who want to install themselves in power permanently.
Coming back, he said:
CHARLIE KIRK: So you see this ridiculous, you know, pagan Barbie commercial of Moloch, right?
Totally a reference non-lunatic Americans would understand, yes, the pagan Barbie commercial of Moloch. They play it during “The Real Housewives Of Moloch.”
KIRK: Of a bunch of degenerate 20 somethings that say "look what you made me do," like very weird revenge filled bitterness.
People do get snitty when inferior white men try to assert ownership over their bodies. Indeed, why all the weird revenge-filled bitterness?
KIRK: It's identity politics, it's all pink, it's very strange.
Identity politics = anything that runs counter to Charlie Kirk’s Christian supremacist vision for American life, or even merely takes into account that some people aren’t white men.
KIRK: We also, if we had political machinery, we would be able to maximize turnout for pro-life Catholics and pro-life Christians.
Hey, Charlie: What if you’re actually maxed out and that’s what these dwindling returns every election cycle are showing you?
What if this is it? What if your movement is literally dying out, and every day you are more and more and more and more and more irrelevant and expendable and just basically ignored forever?
KIRK: And I'll say it once, I'll say it again, I guarantee you that Taylor Swift gave permission for that advertisement.
Who gives a fuck if she did?
KIRK: Taylor Swift is going to come out in the presidential election and she is going to mobilize her “fans.” I'll be nice.
Voting: Even people who aren’t white male slaveowners think they get to do it these days!
KIRK: And we're going to be like, oh wow, where did all these young, female voters come from? We better have a plan for that.
KIRK: Taylor Swift, I think she put up one voter registration link and she registered millions and millions …
Our side is nowhere near maxed out, that’s for fuckin’ sure.
KIRK: and let's just be honest, all the Swifties want is swift abortion. That's what they want. It's 100%.
That is the funniest fucking thing anybody has ever said and we are going to injure ourselves laughing.
KIRK: I don't know why it's so controversial. We act as if she is like Mother Mary or something. Newsflash, she ain't Mother Mary. And people say, but Charlie, why would you attack Taylor Swift, she's so popular, she is all these different things.
Taylor Swift: Look what you made her do, huh? Well you didn’t make her do the virgin birth to Jesus our Lord!
Wonkette is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support our work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Elsewhere in Charlie’s election coverage he said the societal backlash to abortion bans is nowhere near as big as the media is making it out to be. Definitely listen to Charlie, MAGA creeps. Keep doing the rhythm method to that chicken.
The moral of the story is that everybody hates white MAGA Christian Republicans and thinks they’re vile, this rant is a hilarious cry for help, and Taylor Swift is the most powerful woman in the world.
Oh, and ALL SWIFTIES WANT IS SWIFT ABORTION is a hilarious slogan, she should make t-shirts.
Here’s one from another unnecessary MAGA man:
Dumb girls don’t even know why they’re voting, it’s just because Taylor Swift and the Barbie movie told them to!
All these messages are winners, no notes.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.