Alleged Bribedaddy Sen. Bob Menendez Is Telling Youuuuu He Is Not Goooooing

He thinks he might run for reelection as an independent?

Portrait of a wooden clown by Sandy Millar via Unsplash

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ) will be suuuuuper busy this spring tending to the needs of the greatest state and also — what was that other thing? — oh yeah, facing federal bribery charges. Like, over a dozen of them. He’s not running for reelection as a Democrat, but don’t worry — he may run as an independent! WE CAN ONLY HOPE!

He was all but certain to lose the June primary for his own seat. Nearly every Democratic ally has abandoned him in recent months, and two prominent Democrats — Representative Andy Kim and Tammy Murphy, the wife of Gov. Philip D. Murphy — are trouncing him in primary polls.

You may remember Rep. Andy Kim as the lovely man who started picking up trash in the Capitol building the day after outgoing election-stealer Kraft Dinner Palpatine’s hordes of racist assbrains did a terrorism. If you need a refresher, here’s Rep. Kim’s interview with that kind doll of a human Mr. Seth Meyers.

Menendez decided to make up for not being as charismatic as Cory Booker or as thoughtful as Andy Kim by allegedly joining an international crime scheme with his wife. Anyway, on Thursday he posted a nine-minute video online explaining that he won’t run for re-election this year — at least not as a Democrat. It is way less interesting than the above interview with the dude who may replace him, but here it is anyway.

LOLOLOLOLOL WOW. Okay, soooo you’re not the guy who avoided charges in a federal criminal inquiry, then got indicted on separate charges, then got the gift of the trial ending in a hung jury, and then ALLEGEDLY did this?

An initial indictment last fall said Mr. Menendez and his wife had conspired with others to accept gold bars, a Mercedes-Benz convertible and other lavish bribes in exchange for using his position as chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to aid a foreign power, Egypt, and throttle two criminal investigations in New Jersey.

GOLD BARS AND A BENZ? That is some goofy ‘80s movie shit. Get back in the clown car you emerged from, my guy, and ride off into the sunset with the other bozos!

While it seems likely the Supreme Court might finally legalize bribery once and for all, that just means you stay out of prison, not in the Senate.