Ambassador Pete Pulls Out Of Canadian Conservapalooza!

It's like rain on your wedding day.

A top “conservative gathering” search result on Pixabay. (Photo: Sơn Nguyễn Đình)

Pete Hoekstra is the first US Ambassador to Canada to become a household name, which isn’t a sign things are turning around.

Not one of the list of top diplomats for the past century rang a bell personally, including Biden’s pick, David Cohen, who’s now running a non-profit journalism shop in Philly. Hoekstra quickly earned a reputation for complaining about how hard it is to find anyone who agrees how awesome it is that Trump is back, and there’s even an official petition on the House of Commons website citing action “inconsistent with diplomatic protocol or detrimental to Canada’s interests” as fair play to give Hoekstra the hook.

“I’m disappointed that I came to Canada, a Canada where it is very, very difficult to find Canadians who are passionate about the American-Canadian relationship,” he bitched to a business gathering in Halifax last year. “You ran a campaign where it was anti-American, elbows up, me too. [Emphasis Yr Wonkette.] You know, that was an anti-American campaign. That’s disappointing.”

Speaking of disappointments, imagine how attendees at the Canada Strong and Free Network conference in Ottawa — essentially CPAC of the North with even less attention paid to it — must’ve felt when they heard he wouldn’t be appearing as promised on Friday!

CPAC Canceled For Lack Of ... Oh Wait, That *Was* CPAC?

The White House said Hoekstra was called away last minute for “urgent meetings” after the SelectUSA Investment Summit in Maryland to help arrange new bribes for Dear Leader. It’s hard to imagine any of them will be coming from Amsterdam given his equally disastrous turn as ambassador to the Netherlands back in Round One.

This year’s slogan was “A Winning Vision,” which seems suitably ironic for an event held in Alanis Morisette’s hometown given the only winning Conservatives are doing lately is the Charlie Sheen version circa 2011.

The Tories not only blew a once-in-a-lifetime lead in last year’s election but also three subsequent byelections handing Mark Carney’s Liberals a majority government and the one ring to rule us all for now. The final tally saw them drop an average of 12 points overall, and that’s on top of four members of Parliament jumping ship to Team Carney in recent weeks. Doug Ford’s Progressive Conservatives aren’t doing so hot either, currently trailing the leaderless Ontario Liberals by two points in the aftermath of the Gravy Plane crash-and-burn and going the full Big Brother on FOI rules.

Going Off The Rails With A Gravy Plane!

Hoekstra was replaced on the banner alongside Peewee and Aunt Danielle from Alberta with National Post columnist Tristin Hopper, a man best known outside Canada for kicking a raccoon to death. But at least one Trump insider still made it!

It’s also possible Hoekstra got called away last minute because former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo got some laughs at Trump’s expense the night before when discussing the challenges facing the two countries:

“I worked for President Trump, so I I get it. I mean, like, I would wake up every morning, check my phone, make sure I had a job, and then go into the office! No, I mean, think about it. I was the 70th secretary of State. He’s the 45th president. I know how my successor got booted! Like, okay, I get the joke...”

He presumably meant his predecessor Rex Tillerson, who was famously fired on Twitter, and then offered an impression of the dutiful tongue baths:

TRUMP VOICE: Michael, how many electoral votes did you get?

REEK VOICE: Sir, zero!

TRUMP VOICE: Yeah, just remember that…

The comedy stylings of a slimmed-down Michael Pompeo, ladies and gentlemen! We’re all at the hands of an elderly madman with the nuclear codes but at least we’re all in it together! It’s not much consolation but at least deep down and amongst themselves they’ll admit how ridiculous they truly are.

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[Philadelphia Citizen / Global News / HuffPo / Wonkette Blueskies]