America Is Looking For A Few Good Marines Who Can Kill Ruthlessly And Shave Comfortably
You will also shave your asses, because you can't tell the difference!
I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, and you are nothing. You ladies have been here for five minutes, and you are already polluting my beloved Corps! And I will not have it!
All of you are scum. Some of you are bearded scum. Apparently that is because some of you maggots cannot shave your pretty little faces without getting little boo-boos on them! Now for some reason, my beloved Corps has decided that while we are making you ministers of death, you should get to be comfortable! It’s this kind of woke twink bullshit that is ruining the mighty armed forces of America!
You people are worthless! You are not even human fucking beings! You are dog shit I scrape off the bottom of my boots! I don’t think any of you have it in you to serve in my beloved Corps! But the Corps demands that I waste my time trying to find out anyway. And by God I intend to make sure that if you are lucky enough to see combat, if you are lucky enough to fulfill your destiny to be a killing machine in the name of the Lord and the United States of America, that your face doesn’t like a whore’s vagina while you’re doing it!
Not that any of you delicate virgins know what a vagina looks like!
If you survive the next few weeks with me, you will be a weapon of war, charging into battle with your rifle in one hand and your shaving waiver in the other! Your enemies will cower before this bearded Wehrmacht!
Unless your waiver is more than 12 months old! Your shaving waiver is good for one year, and if your skin condition has not miraculously healed, you will be kicked out of the Corps! Even if you are otherwise a 100%, certified grade-A kick-ass killing machine! Because our Secretary of War does not want you killing for the United States if you can’t look sharp doing it!
So you best pray to Jesus and the Virgin Mary that your condition can be treated and you can look like everyone else at morning muster, or I will fuck you up for wasting the Corps’ valuable time!
Those of you without shaving waivers, I want to see your shining faces smooth as a baby’s ass every morning before chow! You will not sleep, you will not eat, you will not take a goddamn shit out of your clenched little assholes until there is not a follicle of hair on your face! Do you maggots understand??
Those of you with shaving waivers will carry that shaving waiver on your fat asses at all times! And I do mean at all times! That means you have that shaving waiver on your fat ass at morning PT! That means you have it on your fat ass on the obstacle course! That means you have it when you’re stuffing jelly donuts into your fat face in the chow hall! That means you have it when you waddle your fat ass into the shower! That means you have it when your fat ass takes a dump in my nice, clean latrine!
If I allow you leave to visit your mommy so you can cry on her titties about how mean your drill sergeant is, then goddammit, you better have your shaving waiver on you while she dries your tears and makes you hot cocoa!
You maggots will give your shaving waiver a girl’s name. You will sleep with that shaving waiver and you will count yourselves lucky! That shaving waiver is the only ass you’ll ever get your hands on!
Once a month, your squad leaders will produce FAHARs. Do you know what that means, ladies? It means each and every squad leader will write a facial hair accountability report and give it to me. He will tell me who in his squad is shaving. He will tell me who in his squad is not shaving. He will tell me who in his squad doesn’t need to bother because he hasn’t hit puberty yet! And if by some miracle your balls drop and you start spouting little tiny hairs on your cheeks like big girls, you will shave them off immediately!
Private Pyle, I will give you three seconds — exactly three fucking seconds — to get that shaving cream on your face and start sending those little bastard follicles to hell!
Why, Private Pyle, I don’t believe I heard you correctly! You don’t want to shave? Where is your shaving waiver?
Oh, that’s right. You don’t have a shaving waiver. You are a fat piece of shit, Private Pyle, but my beloved Corps has decided that you will at least be a clean-shaven one! Now get moving!
Private Pyle! What is this? What the fuck is this? Is that a spot you missed when shaving? Are you telling me you can’t even do that right? Did you get a shaving waiver when I wasn’t looking? No, you did not! Do you know why you don’t have a shaving waiver? That’s right, because you’re not a black man with pseudofolliculitis! You’re not a godless Arab who does not love the Virgin Mary! But the powers that be have decided that we will let even the godless heathens serve in my beloved corps!
Look over there at Private [vaguely Arabic ululating]. Do you see what he’s holding in his hand? That’s right, that is a shaving waiver! You do not have a shaving waiver, Private Pyle! So why am I looking at hair on your goddamn Commie face?
There is not to be one follicle of hair on those rosy baby cheeks of yours, Pyle! You are a United States Marine and you will goddamn act like it by the numbers, or I will stick my boot so far up your ass you’ll taste Saphir!
I have failed with Private Pyle! And I have failed because the rest of you have failed me! You have let Private Pyle gallivant around like Queen Elizabeth herself without shaving his entire face! And you can be goddamn sure that if Queen Elizabeth herself enlisted in the Corps, the Marines would make goddamn sure she shaved her face until it was barren as the Sahara!
Everyone drop and give me 200 push-ups! Except you, Private Pyle. You are going to shave that face again and again, until nothing can grow on it! Then, maybe, I will allow you to become a rifleman in my beloved Corps!
Your country needs you to keep Wonkette alive forever!
Somewhat OT, but notice how the vile, revolting White House pigs attacking Jon Ossoff and Kristen Holmes sound exactly like the sort of scum who defend pedos and rapists.
The shaving waiver's cold, and it stings.