Hegseth Can’t Count Missiles, But He Sure Can Track Hairdos
Make sure those TPS shaving waiver reports have a cover.
This morning we learned the extent to which Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Doing What Daddy Says, has lost every missile in the US arsenal, having completely depleted the US’s munitions supply in his and Donald Trump’s ill-advised war on Iran. And apparently he’s been lying to Daddy about it, presumably so that Pete doesn’t have to see that most familiar of Daddy faces looking back at him, the one that says “I’m ashamed we kept you.”
But just as we were finishing up that story, we saw this story that came out this week, which was about how Secretary Sassypants may not be be able to count missiles, but he sure can keep track of hairstyles. His Navy’s got an Excel spreadsheet of them and everything!
Way to keep it squarely within your paygrade, Pete.
We imagine actual military planning meetings are endlessly embarrassing for Secretary Shitfaced, as he sits quietly while the men talk (he fired all the women because they hurt his masculinity), desperately trying to interject a good idea whenever he can, only to have hardened general look at him like he’s a buffoon every time he opens his mouth.
But Pete knows how to enforce hairstyle and shaving rules, he sure does! And he knows how to clean a latrine and iron a uniform and polish shoes, sir, yes sir. Major Rule Follower, reporting for duty!
The story is that the Navy is requiring chains of command to submit monthly hair and makeup reports on “facial hair waiver accountability,” AKA the waivers for soldiers and sailors for whom the military’s shaving requirements cause terrible razor bumps and the like. (Which is often Black guys, in case anybody thought this wasn’t part of Secretary Nazi Tattoos and his white supremacist crusades against racial minorities and women and LGBTQ+ people who are better than him.)
Commanding officers are instructed to maintain a log of personnel requiring medical facial hair treatment plans, the memo said. Commands must then “forward a Facial Hair Accommodation Accountability Report using Excel Spreadsheet by the 15th of each month, commencing August 2026.”
LOL, um, OK, we are sure this’ll put in their place the one or two guys out of every 300 who require no-shaving chits.
Good job enforcing the rules, Secretary Shitfaced!
Under this new memo, Shitfaced will allow up to 12 months of treatment before razor bumps are considered an incurable disease the US military simply cannot abide:
The updated July 31 memo expands upon the July 7 order in which the Navy announced that active duty and reserve sailors granted facial hair accommodations will be allowed to receive medical treatment for up to 12 months under new Navy grooming standards. If irritation from shaving is deemed incurable after 12 months, sailors will be evaluated for discharge.
“Why did you get kicked out of the Navy?”
“Ingrown hairs.”
The memo also says sailors being granted no-shaving accommodations have to carry their papers on them at all times, we guess in case any of Hegseth’s most sensitive little soldiers see them and demand “papers, please!” All of these rules also apply to waivers granted for religious reasons; hoops have been added that require sailors to really prove to Hegseth’s Christian Nationalist military that they aren’t faking their religious beliefs, and why their religion requires them to break the sacred rules enforced by the secretary of hairstyles:
To prove a sincere faith, service members were required to provide written testimony regarding their religious beliefs, as well as how clean-shaven grooming standards conflict with those beliefs.
Those requests were processed at the command level before being reviewed by a chaplain, who determined the veracity of the religious beliefs claimed.
All the important stuff.
The article doesn’t say this explicitly, but we are just guessing this has something to do with that hilarious story a few weeks back when Hegseth boarded a naval ship and immediately realized the whole ship had been literally ignoring all his (racist rule follower) commands about shaving, and has been spitting little impotent nails about it ever since. And after he forced every man and woman in the entire military who outranks him to fly to Quantico so he could deliver a prissy lecture on “NO BEARDOS, YOU GUYS, OMG!”
And entire ships, entire chains of command are out here ignoring him like he’s temporary or something? (He is temporary.)
So let’s recap:
Things Pete Hegseth can keep track of: facial hairstyles, testosterone levels, and the presence of anyone in the military who isn’t a white, straight, cisgender man, spoiler it’s all the people in the military who make Pete feel insecure, which is lots of them.
Things Pete Hegseth can’t keep track of: the military’s munitions supply. Whether his boat murder sprees are preventing any cocaine from entering the United States (no). Whether carriers have things like food that isn’t rotten or toothpaste or sailors who aren’t exhausted to death because they’ve been at sea for nine months fighting a war that Trump and Shitfaced lost on the first day. Anything else of value.
Well done, bud.
They’re probably never gonna name a ship after you, but maybe a toilet somewhere on the USS Abraham Lincoln.
OPEN THREAD.
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i member when i was in the shit back in 'Nam the Sergeant said "We need every swinging dick in the field, and you know that", but then i pointed out my razor burn and my inability to meet the uniform standards and he reluctantly discharged me and sent me back home.
What the hell is it with his stance in that lead photo?