Biden DOJ To Reschedule Marijuana, Stoners All Ask 'For When, Man?'
4:25, man.
The Biden administration plans to announce soon that it’s reclassifying cannabis to make it not quite legal nationwide, but considerably less illegal than it has been for the last half-century, according to NBC News, which explains that
The Drug Enforcement Administration is expected to approve an opinion by the Department of Health and Human Services that marijuana should be reclassified from the strictest Schedule I to the less stringent Schedule III. It would be the first time that the U.S. government has acknowledged its potential medical benefits and begun studying them in earnest.
A red-eyed Merrick Garland emerged, giggling and continuously blinking, from a screening of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle in the Justice Department Tuesday and submitted the proposal for rescheduling the kind bud to the White House Office of Management, according to both “a source familiar with the situation” who spoke to NBC, and our own reckless embellishments. These embellishments may continue until we get over it.
It is not known whether Garland, his tie loosened and his hair uncharacteristically mussed, apologized for pizza sauce stains on the document.
Not to harsh your mellow or anything, but NBC News cautions that any reclassification could still take months, like in the old days when you might have to wait for your friend Mike to get his hands on some good shit, instead of just cruising down to the dispensary, you kids have no idea how good you have it, really. Like the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers always said, dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope.
But Mike was OK, really, just kind of a dick about remembering things. And no way was he in ‘Nam unless he went when he was six years old, but whatever, man.
Oh yeah, where was I? NBC says the process goes like this, okay?
After the proposal is published in the Federal Register, there will be a 60-day public comment period. The proposal will then be reviewed by an administrative law judge, who could decide to hold a hearing before the rule is approved.
Let’s just hope that judge isn’t a tightass, you know how they can be.
Rescheduling cannabis would move it from being classified with heroin, LSD, methamphetamines, and Crystal Pepsi — controlled substances with no accepted medical use — and move it into Schedule III, a category that includes Tylenol with codeine, steroids, and testosterone. In case you were wondering, there’s also Schedule IV, which includes Xanax, Valium, and, if some prick in the Louisiana state Senate gets his way, mifepristone and misoprostol, the ingredients in the abortion pill, we shit you not. But we digress. Again.
While Schedule III (and IV) drugs remain controlled substances, rescheduling weed would allow it to be studied more easily for possible medicinal benefits, which NBC News says could open the door “for pharmaceutical companies to get involved with the sale and distribution of medical marijuana in states where it is legal,” completely redefining the concept of a “gateway drug.” Be careful what you wish for?
On the upside, the reclassification would also eliminate IRS code Section 280E, which prohibits weed companies in the 24 states where the good shit is legal from deducting their good shit business expenses.
The rescheduling decision has been anticipated since October 2022, when Joe Biden pardoned federal marijuana offenders (about 6,500 people, since most convictions are on the state level), and — we’d like to think after a guided experience with ayahuasca opened his third eye — called for the DOJ and HHS to look into rescheduling weed, like really look at it, man, and hold it up to the black light and see how it connects us all in a healing web of being, man.
After a federal review found that cannabis may have medical benefits and poses fewer health risks than that heavy shit you don’t want to get into (looking at you, Oregon), Biden endorsed the federal review process in his State of the Union address this year, saying “No one should be jailed for using or possessing marijuana,” which can you imagine fuckin’ Nixon ever saying that, man, it’s mind blowing.
NBC News also notes that Congress may have enough votes to pass the SAFER Banking Act, which would clear away another major hassle for legal weed businesses by allowing them to use traditional banking services instead of trying to run on a cash-only basis, which is not only cumbersome but dangerous, crime-wise. Another bill, the HOPE Act, would help state and local governments automatically expunge criminal records for minor, nonviolent crimes involving marijuana.
Needless to say, this is all one more reason to reelect Biden and Democrats in the fall, because even though he’s a criminal himself, there’s no worse narc than Donald Trump and the pigs he surrounds himself with. Fascism is a total bummer.
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"A red-eyed Merrick Garland emerged, giggling and continuously blinking, from a screening of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle" *Ok now it can be told, I was the one who got Merrick to watch Harold & Kumar, he had been a long time Movie Night lurker and joined us on 4/20. That may have been the turning point. Wonkette Movie Night, more than just a great time, we are policy influencers!
*may be my wishful imagination https://www.wonkette.com/p/wonkette-movie-night-harold-and-kumar?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
The safe banking issue is a big deal. I have a colleague who owned a weed dispensary in Seattle. He sold it because he didn’t like being in the business of hiring armed guards like a crime boss.