But If Elon Sperms All The Babies, All The Babies Will Look Like Elon :(
Guh-rossest article ever.
Let us be clear: If you have heard any Unfounded Rumors on the internet about Elon Musk’s penis, like maybe it got thumped off in a drive-by dick-thumping accident or a botched hair plug surgery — WHATEVER — this Wall Street Journal article will not disabuse you of any of those Unfounded Rumors, as it does not address them specifically, but it does say he had sexual intercourse with a human woman for breeding purposes at least one time.
And if you wanted confirmation that Elon Musk only has the 14 or so babies he has publicly acknowledged and no more babies, then ooh boy, this is the wrong article for you.
But if you were looking for confirmation that Elon Musk is the sickest, grossest, weirdest, most disgusting, most off-putting creep alive, if you wanted more of a reason to be worried he’s trying to get the whole world pregnant by shooting laser beams out of his ugly little beady eyes, then yep, Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal has a new article (gift link!) about Elon’s disgusting breeding fetish that’s got you covered!
Which … that says something to us right there, that Rupert is publishing this. He wants America to know how disgusting Elon is.
The article is called “The Tactics Elon Musk Uses to Manage His ‘Legion’ of Babies—and Their Mothers,” and yes, he calls them his “legion.” And there are, um, lots more of them than he admits, sounds like. Lots more. Lots.
So like, OK, here’s one thing.
When that weird conservative influencer Ashley St. Clair was pragnet with Elon’s hellspawn, he tried to get her in on his plans to bring in MORE women, but not like in a normal “let’s spice things up with orgies where I use my functioning penis!” kind of way. Instead it was so they could have more children, faster. “To reach legion-level before the apocalypse,” he literally typed with his fingers, “we need to use surrogates.”
Sources say he finds mommies on Twitter, and that he pays for their silence, and threatens them financially if they don’t comply. (We’ve already heard how stingy and vindictive he can be with the money when it comes to St. Clair.)
Like, he is literally sliding into randos’ DMs and typing questions — presumably he is typing in that loud South African clown German Dieter Sprockets accent of his — to ask if they want to have babies with him.
Like crypto influencer Tiffany Fong. Here is her story:
Musk’s interactions ramped up as Fong posted more political content in support of Trump, and Musk followed her last summer.
That sort of attention from Musk on X, where he has 219 million followers, sent droves of followers to Fong, which was a financial boon. More engagement meant more earnings for her as part of a revenue-sharing program for creators on X.
During the height of her interactions with the billionaire owner, Fong earned $21,000 on the platform in a two-week period in November, according to a screenshot she posted.
That was about when Musk sent her a direct message asking if she was interested in having his child, according to people familiar with the matter. The two had never met in person.
Definitely how Twitter is supposed to work.
She wouldn’t do it, because um, well, we guess most people don’t immediately jump at breeding requests in their Twitter DMs. But she told people about it, including Ashley St. Clair, which led Elon to get mad and unfollow her.
Just like a normal man does.
Elon has this employee named Jared Birchall, a fixer, who runs his “family” office. He handles the things with women who agree to be crop-dusted by Elon’s seed, including the financial arrangements and NDAs and the like. He found a big property in Austin, Texas, where Elon could build a compound for him and all his women and all his hellspawn. Guess he was just browsing Zillow one night and there it was.
Birchall was involved in acquiring the property for a compound in Austin where Musk imagined the women and his growing number of babies would all live among multiple residences, according to a person familiar with the matter. He is involved in other property deals across Musk’s different businesses.
Shivon Zilis, one of the mothers of Elon’s babies, the tech executive who reportedly has “special status” among the mothers, she lives there. He wanted Grimes to move in but she told him to fuck off.
Similarly, he tried to get St. Clair to spend some time in Austin “with our kid legion,” according to a text he sent her.
So that is very neat, and reminds us of what happened one time at this other place in Waco with a cult leader with a breeding fetish. We wonder if this story will end anything like how that one ended.
Get a load of all these bugfuck details about Musk’s breeding rituals with St. Clair. It was in St. Barts where they actually literally fucked, because she told him she was ovulating. That’s where they conceived their spawn. He texted her while she was pregnant, while he was trying to buy/steal/win Pennsylvania for Donald Trump:
“In all of history, there has never been a competitive army composed of women. Not even once,” he wrote. “Men are made for war. Real men, anyway.” He followed up with: “I am in full war mode. Going to the front lines today. Must win PA.”
This .gif always applies with men like Elon:
But anyway, back to his sexytime courtship with pregnant St. Clair. One time on the campaign trail, she sent him a selfie. He replied, “I want to knock you up again.” And oh boy, the control he wanted to have over all the fruits of his up-knocking!
While she was pregnant, Musk had urged her to deliver the baby via caesarean section and told her he didn’t want the child to be circumcised. (Musk has posted on X that vaginal births limit brain size and that C-sections allow for larger brains.)
(Elon Musk is a stupid, stupid dipshit.)
St. Clair is Jewish and circumcisions are an important ritual in the religion, and she decided against a C-section. He told her she should have 10 babies, and they debated the child’s middle name.
Once she became visibly pregnant, she mostly stayed inside her apartment so the pregnancy wouldn’t become public, she said. During her pregnancy, Musk instructed Birchall to send St. Clair $2 million for expenses, she said, with half of that amount structured as a loan, according to a text message viewed by the Journal. She used the funds in part to pay for security, which came to more than $100,000 a month, she said.
When she was in the hospital being induced for labor in September, Birchall texted her about leaving Musk’s name off the birth certificate, according to texts viewed by the Journal. Shortly before, she had hired an attorney, something Birchall had warned her not to do.
She complied with the request to not name Musk on the birth certificate. Not long after the birth, Birchall pushed St. Clair to sign documents keeping the father of the baby and details regarding her relationship with Musk secret in return for financial support. The offer was a one-time fee of $15 million for a home and living expenses, plus an additional $100,000 a month until the baby turned 21.
Musk told her by text it was dangerous to reveal his relationship to the baby, describing himself as the “#2 after Trump for assassination.” He added that “only the paranoid survive.”
She said fuck off, smartly, for a whole lot of reasons, which WSJ details. That started her on the path to going public and demanding Elon acknowledge their child.
There is so much in the article, so please read it all.
We’ve heard it rumored that Elon might actually have triple-digit numbers of babies, and WSJ definitely says it has sources that say the real number is “much higher than publicly known.” And of course, by all appearances he’s a complete deadbeat dad to lots of them. (Remember recently when Grimes was freaking out on Twitter trying to get his attention because she said their child was having a “medical crisis” and he wouldn’t respond to her private entreaties?)
We all know about how Elon has treated his trans daughter Vivian Wilson, his daughter with his ex-wife Justine Wilson. (They account for six of the children, but one died in infancy.) Vivian claimed recently that part of why Elon is so viciously angry with her for being trans is that he used IVF with her and her four brothers to guarantee male offspring. She said on Threads:
The WSJ article connects Elon’s prurient breeding fetish with his dumbfuck galaxy brain obsession with colonizing Mars, and his delusional belief that there is something special about his brain, or that there will be something inherently special about his children’s brains.
Musk’s baby-making project is relevant to his ambition for NASA, which he wants to move faster to go to Mars. He said on X that making people multiplanetary is “critical to ensuring the long-term survival of humanity and all life as we know it.”
In Musk’s dark view of the world, civilization is under threat because of a declining population. He is driven to correct the historic moment by helping seed the earth with more human beings of high intelligence, according to people familiar with the matter.
Yeah buddy, you look at that picture up there and tell us Elon represents some kind of master race. Then look at all the pictures of him now and we’ll be over here laughing our dicks off.
Again, this was in Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal.
This guy may be the sickest fuck in all of MAGA-dom, and hoo boy, that is saying something.
Read it all, as they say on the internet!
OPEN THREAD.
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So the last step of my limoncello recipe for this week involves taking a ~190 proof base and diluting it down to a drinkable 60 proof. If you feel the need add less water - much, much less water - I won’t blame you. It’ll resemble floor polish instead of limoncello, but these are the times we live in.
As I have started packing stuff and thinking about all the things I need to do for the move I am occasionally struck to sing like David Byrne: "My God what have I done!" 😆
https://youtu.be/5IsSpAOD6K8?si=tppmiyI-gxJQVaF4