Canada Disinvited From Legion Of Doom

'No girly men allowed!'

Photo: James Lee Former/Wikimedia Commons

You’ve probably heard by now about Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney’s big Captain Obvious speech in Davos that riffed on Danish author Hans Christian Anderson’s children’s fable “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” which was a nice touch now that Denmark has joined us in the mad king’s crosshairs.

The pantsed old man likely didn’t listen to it all because Carney began in Not English, used fancy words like “hegemony” and “aphorism of Thucydides,” and didn’t even pay the courtesy of mentioning the motherfucker by name, but clearly he saw snippets on Fox or a henchman gave a heads-up about the rhetorical shot heard around the world.

Evan already wrote a breakdown of the sober barn-burner that got a rare standing ovation at the World Economic Forum, incuding the full transcript at the bottom, but I’d be remiss as Wonkette’s token Canadian for not translating the opening remarks from the PM’s steadily improving French:

Canadian PM Mark Carney Declares Flame Of American Global Era Extinguished

It’s a pleasure — and a duty — to be with you at this turning point for Canada and for the world. Today, I’ll talk about the rupture in the world order, the end of a nice story and the beginning of a brutal reality where geopolitics among the great powers is not subject to any constraints.

But I also submit to you that other countries, particularly middle powers like Canada, are not powerless. They have the capacity to build a new order that embodies our values, like respect for human rights, sustainable development, solidarity, sovereignty and territorial integrity of states. The power of the less powerful begins with honesty.

Donald Trump, of course, responded to the idea of the world reluctantly moving on without America with threats of violence like the geriactic mob boss he is.

“I watched your prime minister yesterday,” Uncle June wheezed at reporters after a wildly unsuccessful attempt at a coherent keynote address of his own. “They should be grateful, also, but they’re not. He wasn’t so grateful. Canada lives by the United States. Remember that, Mark, next time you make your statements.”

But at least he got the name right and didn’t call him Little Mark. Or even Mork, who called him out as a pedophile long before it became fashionable. Dear Leader followed up on his Temu Twitter hereby declaring Canada no longer welcome to join his sweet new grift: a makeshift model UN aspiring nations can join for the low, low price of one billion dollars!

Dear Prime Minister Carney:

Please let this Letter serve to represent that the Bored Board of Peace is withdrawing its invitation to you regarding Canada’s joining, what will be, the most prestigious Board of Leaders ever assembled, at any time.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

It’s goes without saying Mark Carney doesn’t want to be part of this new Illuminazi team of Gaza real estate profiteers or whatever the Board of Peace is meant to be. He just gave a whole long speech about this very thing!

It’s clear to the planet now that Grampa Hitler doesn’t understand Norway and Denmark are actually two separate countries, although — to be fair — plenty of his fellow Americans don’t either. He also repeatedly confused the Danish territory he wants to conquer with Iceland, although they may soon face his wrath too if he finds out they were the only nation to jail bankers after the 2008 financial crisis. Or maybe he imagines Iceland as somewhere ICE might finally be welcome.

Are You Okay?

But being a remote island in the North Atlantic with a name ending in “land” doesn’t bode well for Newfoundland. Especially if MAGA discovers they only joined Canada in 1949 because they were broke and might be more open to bribes than the people of Greenland. Although you just know he’d blow things immediately by calling them Newfies. Plus while Lard tunderin’ Jaysus is popular on the Rock, the lardy thundering Orange Jesus not so much, eh b’y.

[CBC / CTV / The Independent / Wonkette on Bluesky!]

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