Candace Owens: Charlie Kirk Was A Time Traveling, Telekinetic X-Man
Sure, why not?
Charlie Kirk had extremely regressive, outdated views on pretty much everything imaginable — but was it just because he was a misogynistic bigot with a penchant for Leave It To Beaver times, or was it because he actually was from Leave It To Beaver times?
Candace Owens has some thoughts!
In a recent podcast, Owens shared some new theories about Kirk and why he was assassinated. You probably think he was assassinated by a random guy for relatively random reasons, but Owens believes it was all part of a nefarious plot by the Deep State, which had been trying to use him to control the future. The very same Deep State that she says removed a cornucopia from the Fruit of the Loom logo.
I’d like to begin today’s episode with a little bit of feedback for the Deep State, the Deep globalized State.
The (((globalized))) is implied.
All you guys had to do was to keep the cornucopia. We may have even let you rule over us forever. We may have never woken up to anything. That’s my theory. Okay? It was all well and good until you guys tried to convince us that Fruit of the Loom never had a cornucopia, right? There was one. We all know that. By the way, if you’re watching this and you don’t know that. I want nothing to do with you. You’re in the wrong timeline. We are not in the same timeline.
Don’t I wish!
Owens is obviously referring to the Mandela Effect, named so for the fact that lots of people “remember” Nelson Mandela dying in prison in the 1990s, which obviously did not really happen. It’s thing most normal people just joke about or “Oh, that’s interesting” about, but some apparently take it very seriously. Lots of people remember there being a cornucopia in the Fruit of the Loom logo despite the fact that there never was one. There are a few explanations for this — I always just assumed because a cornucopia filled with fruit and vegetables is a traditional harvest/Thanksgiving-time image that people saw other places and confused with that logo, but others think it’s because, when seen upside-down (as you would putting on a shirt) the old logo with brown leaves does not look entirely unlike a cornucopia.
I also think people think it was Berenstein bears and not Berenstain bears because “stein” is just a more common ending for a last name than “stain.”
What does this have to do with Charlie Kirk’s death? Well, some people believe that the Mandela Effect is not just a quirk of the human brain, but evidence of multiple timelines or alternate dimensions being mushed together — and Candace Owens is one of those people. As she likes to say, she’s a “conspiracy girlie.” (Ew.)
I am going to try to summarize her theory, but it is extremely batshit, so please bear with me! She believes in the conspiracy that there was a CIA operation called Project Looking Glass (there was not) that had to do with time travel and changing the future using (in her version, there are others) "ancient Sumerian technology.” The theory is that they could see all different timelines up until 2012, at which point they all converged and none of their “technology” would let them see beyond that. But — but! — Charlie Kirk was such an all-powerful being that they believed he was the key to their being able to change the future again. And, I guess, a time traveler who knew he was going to die young, because of the time traveling?
It is an absolute fact that Charlie Kirk thought that he was a time traveler. He told me he was a time traveler repeatedly. I showed you guys that text message exchange. I said to him in response that I didn’t feel the same way and that I thought I was from another planet, that I was an alien my entire life. Just do not get it here. This planet is ghetto. That’s how I feel. I don’t understand it. The rules don’t make sense. I think that’s also why I like cats so much. I feel that they can relate to that. They think humanity is ghetto. They don’t want to be around us. They don’t like us. They know it’s ghetto. It is ghetto here, right?
Cats don’t hate people, they’re just selective about who they do like, and they probably don’t like Candace Owens because she’s terrible. Mystery solved!
I do, however, like how her friend told her he was a time traveler and instead of asking him about that, she just breezed right by it and started talking about herself. Very on brand! Doesn’t bother to ask him what times he has traveled to, whether or not he met Socrates or Beethoven and brought them back to help him do a class project, or if he almost made out with his mom. No further questions of any kind, just too occupied with being wrong about cats.
Anyway, Owens believes that Charlie was probably followed by government agents since childhood, claiming that he was in a Gifted and Talented Education (GATE) program, which I see no evidence for otherwise. She claims that these programs were used by the government to track and monitor smart children, for nefarious purposes. If this is true, allow me to apologize for boring the shit out of whatever agents have been following me since I started going to “Enrichment” classes in second grade.
Charlie may have been marked since he was a child. We’ve discussed these GATE programs that they have in school. And I just think on the basis of what he told me, that when he was really young, they wanted to drug him, but his mother said “no.” And he was really grateful for that. And instead, they decided that they could send him to this X-Men school. That’s the best way I can describe it. […] So, he was pulled out of the regular school he was attending and he had to go to some special school for the gifted like he was an X-Man. And I am of the opinion […] that he’s been monitored since. That his test scores, whatever the scores, every test they probably did on him, he was off the charts and they wanted to make sure that he was being watched. That’s my theory in general on all kids that are in extraordinary and GATE type programs.
Charlie Kirk went to Wheeling High School, like 40 minutes outside of Chicago. I know people who went to Wheeling, and exactly none of them are X-Men with magic powers. After that, he went to a regular community college, also for Not-X-Men.
But what magic powers did he have? (Besides the time travel.)
A lot of weird things used to happen to Charlie. He would go on runs — I think I told you guys this — after sundown and when he was running street lights would go out like it it was like he was a burst of energy like he was a lightning bolt or something.
And then this other time, he was elected prom king, but it turned out it was just a prank concocted by the popular kids, and they dumped pigs blood all over him and he set the school on fire with his telekinetic powers. True story!
It’s entirely plausible that they knew something about Charlie and that’s why they had him marked and had him monitored and had him likely followed since he was young. And maybe they thought that if they swarmed him and they stayed with him and they pretended to be his friend that ultimately they could control Charlie and and perhaps change an outcome. They could literally change an outcome related to Charlie. […]
So for the first time in his life, Charlie peeks his head up and starts to push back in a meaningful way. They couldn’t stop him from becoming bigger. That was, that seemed to be inevitable. Uh but they panicked. They seem to have panicked, right? I mean, this is just starting to happen within a year, when Charlie’s going like, “Hey, man. I don’t actually think this. I don’t actually believe this.” And then he goes, “You know what? Take the money. Take the money out of the organization.” And they panicked. They freaked out. And their solution was, “No, no, no. Just kill him. Just kill him. We can’t have this. This is, this is not something that we are prepared to happen.” That that outcome of Charlie unleashed, so to speak.
That does seem very plausible!
Owens put this out on Wednesday and it already has nearly 1.3 million views. Now, sure, some of those views are from people like me watching it for critical purposes, but the vast majority probably come from people who hear this and are like “Yes, it all makes sense now, Charlie Kirk was an X-Man time traveler and the Deep State murdered him because he was starting to think for himself. Very plausible!” and that is pretty disturbing.
That being said, if Candace Owens is, indeed, from a different, more cornucopia’d timeline, I do hope that the Deep State agents following her around can help her get back there as soon as possible. I’m sure we’d all appreciate it!
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
I'm not sure the drink I wrote is strong enough.
We just don't treat mental health in this country. I think that's a mistake.