Colbert's Final 10 Months Gonna Make Trump's Swollen Cankles Holler, We Reckon
If you think they're gross to look at now?
One of the most disconcerting things of this second era of “Hitler: Dumber, Stupider, Ew Gross Look At His Cankles” has been the way so many institutions have caved so preemptively it’s hard to even call it “obeying in advance.” Something in that phrase suggests a kind of nobility or good intentions that were unfortunately sidelined, unprepared for the onslaught, that didn’t steel themselves, that cowered in fear when faced with tyranny. Watching tech bros line up to swallow Donald Trump’s microdick at the inauguration, watching media companies reply to Trump’s demands with anything less than a throaty “fuck off,” there’s been no nobility or dignity in that. They look like they’re mighty fine with the arrangement.
These stupid lawsuits any attorney who’s barely out of law school could fight on day one, and they’re paying settlements because George Stephanopoulos hurt Donald Trump’s feelings by correctly describing what happened in the Trump/E. Jean Carroll rape civil lawsuit? Firing Terry Moran because he correctly described the desolate cavern of dead animal carcasses and racist shame fantasies that make up Stephen Miller’s soul?
Fuck off. It’s not “obeying in advance” if licking fascist ass is your kink.
And now Stephen Colbert, fired by all reasonable appearances for correctly saying that CBS’s parent company Paramount had just agreed to pay a $16 million bribe to settle Trump’s loathsomely stupid lawsuit over the “60 Minutes” Kamala Harris interview that stole the election from Trump — in his heart, if not in reality, since he actually won that election we guess — by making her look too good. Or, you know, just in general, because he hurts Emperor Microdickus’s feelings.
Oh, we know, we know, we know, those aren’t the officially stated reason Colbert was fired, but nobody believes the officially stated reason, so we’re all out here being forced to use the deductive reasoning God gave us.
Perhaps it is just a coincidence that Paramount chief Shari Redstone is desperate for Trump’s administration to allow her conglomerate to merge with a company called Skydance, which is controlled by another of his ass-eating sycophants. Perhaps it is just a coincidence that Skydance’s chief met with Brendan Carr, the little MAGA bitch who runs Trump’s FCC, just before the firing.
Perhaps it is just a coincidence that Stephen Colbert had referred to the little peener payoff in the “60 Minutes” lawsuit as “A BIG FAT BRIBE” just days before.
Perhaps we are just living in a land of coincidences!
Last night was Colbert’s first real show since the announcement, the first one where both the host and the audience had had time to really let it sink in.
Colbert’s monologue was everything it needed to be, and more. It’s getting a lot of attention, the way Colbert looked directly at the camera and told Donald Trump to “go fuck yourself,” but that was just the beginning.
“For the next 10 months, the gloves are off,” said Colbert, giving a preview of the remaining time before the show’s cancellation takes effect. And we hope they are. Donald Trump might be frantically trying to send his fixer Todd Blanche at DOJ to bribe Ghislaine Maxwell/find out what she knows about what Trump and his best friend Jeffrey Epstein used to like to do together in their extracurricular time, what kinds of things they liked to share, but if Stephen Colbert wants to turn the next 10 months into the vicious nightly exposé of Trump that Democrats are scared to do, BRING IT.
Can Todd Blanche track down every humiliating fact about Donald Trump before Stephen Colbert turns it into a joke five nights a week for the next 10 months?
CBS thought it had the top-rated late night show before? (It did. The show it just canceled for purely financial reasons is the top-rated late night show.)
Well, fucking get ready for the next 10 months. We’ll see how pleasant all those dirty merger meetings are the morning after Colbert’s latest no-holds-barred beatdown.
In last night’s monologue Colbert made fun of Paramount’s $16 million rimjob to Trump again, before immediately launching in to the other big story of the day: “The president was buddies with a pedophile!” And he told chapter and verse of the new Wall Street Journal story about Trump’s birthday card to Jeffrey Epstein, upon which Trump reportedly signed his name to look like pubic hair. Colbert did a dramatic reading of the sicko pervert imagined dialogue that was on that birthday card, about “may every day be another wonderful secret” and all the rest.
He made fun of Trump’s brain “pooling up around [his] swollen ankles.”
He made fun of the $10 billion clown lawsuit Trump has filed against Rupert Murdoch and the Wall Street Journal over the story. (Although Jon Stewart, whose “Daily Show” is also owned by Paramount, got in the better line on that one: “Fox spends 24 hours a day blowing Trump, and it’s not enough. Imagine suing someone mid-blow.” Yes, indeed, imagine suing the guy who is currently fellating you. Only a loser as pathetic as Donald Trump.)
Colbert made fun of that one “party” Trump and Jeffrey Epstein had in 1992, the “calendar girl competition” at Mar-a-Lago where the entirety of the “guest list” was, um, Trump and Jeffrey Epstein.
Yes, it could be a fun next 10 months for all of us! It’ll be ratings gold!
It could also be 10 months that absolutely humiliate Shari Redstone and the rest of the Paramount and Skydance brass, if it doesn’t force her to publicly fire him earlier. She might even have to be honest about the craven greed and utter disdain for democracy that appear to any casual observer to be informing her decisions.
We don’t know much of anything about Redstone, because there’s likely nothing to know. We imagine she’s just another piece of talentless Hollywood nepo-trash whose inheritance was built on the backs of untold thousands of actual talented people who created all the products that make up the Paramount empire. (Like Stephen Colbert, to name just one.) She probably thinks she’s got some sort of special business acumen she’s bringing to the table.
Ho-kay.
Howard Lutnick and Scott Bessent think that too, bless their hearts.
As Jon Stewart said during his show last night:
“The fact that CBS didn’t try to save their number one-rated network late-night franchise that’s been on the air for over three decades is part of what’s making everybody wonder, was this purely financial?” Stewart said. “Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger was killing a show that you know rankled a fragile and vengeful president, so insecure, suffering terribly from a case of chronic penis insufficiency.”
He continued, “Look, I understand the corporate fear. I understand the fear that you and your advertisers have with $8 billion at stake. But understand this, truly, the shows that you now seek to cancel, censor and control, a not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows.”
Came from those fucking shows.
We imagine Colbert will make the next 10 months count in ways that’ll make these piece of shit motherfuckers’ heads spin.
[Variety]
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Stephen Colbert KILLED IT last night, he's a man with no fucks left to give. It was refreshing to see him so energized and in such fine comedic form. I've said here before that I felt he had grown stale in that job. Well, he's gonna have a hella good time for the next 10 months,.
[ and ot . . . ]
Buh-bye Boo . . . 😃 |🇺🇸
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