It’s a beautiful day here, in America, isn’t it? Well, it is for us. Not so much for the Republicans who lost so, so very badly last night. So, because I am so very thoughtful, I thought we might check in on them, see how they’re doing, and fill our mugs up with their tears. We do believe in conservation, after all.
Many of them, of course, started out hopeful, so sure of a “red wave” that some of them were even willing to be gracious victors to the rest of us.
I mean, he was really, really sure. 55 Republican Senators! A ten seat majority in Congress! That’s what was going to happen!
This other guy knew for certain that Vivek Ramaswamy was gonna be the next governor of Ohio, because … the press was at his election night party and they only go if you’re going to win. You know, because we know ahead of time.
This guy couldn’t believe how all of the pollsters lied about an upcoming “blue tsunami” when it was so clear that Republicans were going to take everything.
Just look at how jazzed they all were when noted bellwether Guam flipped its governorship from Democratic to Republican. Guam! Sure, it’s not actually a state … but GUAM!
Their cheeks were hurting from all the smiling they were doing! About Guam!
Even Trump himself was here for it!
For the record, Guam also had a red to blue flip, with Democratic challenger Alicia Anne Garrido Limtiaco beating Republican incumbent James Moylan in the race for Guam's non-voting US House delegate seat. It’s almost like you can’t believe anything a Republican says!
Alas, their joy was, shall we say, short lived.
Laura Loomer was particularly devastated, and boy did she ever tweet through it.
Yes, for Loomer, not only was America dead, but so was GOD. Full Nietzsche in one evening!
Christian Nationalist Andrew Wilson’s wife was also certain that this is the end, though she maintained her faith in Jesus and the restoration of patriarchy.
Right-wing influencer and anti-vax weirdo Liz Churchill knew all along what we were really up to, taking very seriously all of the joke threats about “transing the kids.”
Abusive a-hole Steven Crowder shared Tim Pool’s prediction that Democrats will take this victory and purposely destroy the stock market so they can blame it on Trump. It only makes sense!
Laura Loomer (still posting through it!) had her own theory about the future — one in which Hasan Piker jails everyone who doesn’t go along with our communist agenda!
Jack Posobiec was a little bit more realistic about why they lost, but was quick to rub in his “I told you so’s” about our upcoming Bolshevik revolution.
Megan Murphy, queen of the TERFs, is also quite certain we want to jail or kill them all. Sort of like how they killed Renée Good and Alex Pretti, I guess?
This guy is nice though! He hopes we’re happy that “Tariffs will stop costing Americans trillions of dollars.” And you know what? We are!
“Comedian” Rob Schneider went and blamed Greg Abbott. The Gregster! Gregorama! Abbottulism! Makin’ copies!
Many, of course lamented the fact that they would have won if only women weren’t allowed to vote!
Welcome to Gyno-Hell? Well, thank you, kind Sir! Sounds like an awesome place. Also the name of my first album.
This lady lives in Germany but would like to take our votes away as well.
Others lamented that “we” killed Charlie Kirk and then won anyway. Oh, the humanity of it all!
Others claimed that they lost because there aren’t enough “Heritage Americans” in Texas anymore. Weird thing for a guy named Kangmin Lee to complain about, but okay.
Naturally, many were certain it was just stolen. You know, in Texas. Where Democrats had so much power to do something like that.
Surprise! One of them was Ken Paxton!
I mean, how is it possible for people in populous urban areas to outvote smaller numbers of people who are more spread out? Are votes not weighted by acreage?
I mean, sure, there are 10 million people in the Chicagoland area, but wouldn’t it make more sense for the 3 million people who live in the rest of Illinois to have their way?
And why are we always voting for things we want instead of things they want. I mean, do we even know how much land they live on? While we live in (gasp!) apartments?
Unsurprisingly, more than a few folks in BLEXAS have since vowed to move to Florida or Tennessee — both of which, we should mention, were extremely close to becoming BLORIDA and BLENNESSEE!
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Truly, it was a rough night for these patriots, and it’s going to be even rougher when we throw them in jail just for speaking their minds and trans all of their kids, which is obviously a thing we have planned. That and the healthcare and the human rights and the not-bombing-people-so-much and the making things more affordable and all of the other niceness we’ve got planned.
And, you know, in the meantime, the lame duck president can just keep pretending to name things after himself and insinuating that he looks like a young Elvis.
That should keep him occupied until we can send his ass back to Mar-A-Lago in two years.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
*Don’t have Guam.
Bonus win:
"Fucking incredible that we're going to have a Senate where nobody has to give a fuck what
John Fetterman thinks."
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The Texas State Board of Education has flipped and now is Democratic. This is a big deal. Not only for Texas, but for public schools nationwide due to the board’s influence on textbooks.
Also too, the State House of Representatives is now majority Democrat. This means a Democratic Speaker of the Texas House.