Conservative Alpha Males Whine, Piss, Moan About Their Lives Being Hard, So Sad!
Trump, Musk, Bongino. Such weenies.
How are the manly men of the manly MAGA movement doing this week? Are they manly-ing very manfully? Are they pursuing manly pursuits? Are they off in the woods with their bros, eating beef jerky and firing their manly guns? Are they beating each other in the most manly sports? Are they spreading their seed to every woman they see simply through the power of their minds? Are they eating raw eggs and tanning their balls daily? Are they slaughtering wooly mammoths with their bare hands and dragging the corpses back to their cave to feed their families? Are they conquering other planets?
Or are they whining about how hard their lives are, and how they have done so much for so many people, and how much they have sacrificed in their lonely pursuit of saving America from the bats zooming around their own belfries? Are they complaining about their emotional wounds, and how no one appreciates all their hard work in saving America from the scourges of government spending and fairly negotiated trade deals?
Would you be shocked to learn it is the second thing, or have you read Wonkette before?
First up is the MAGAest of all MAGAs, our Lord and Savior President Donald Trump. We all know by now that underneath his inexhaustible supply of bluster, Trump is one of the most insecure and brittle narcissists this country has ever had the misfortune to produce.
Trump is currently suing CBS News over an interview the network did with Kamala Harris at the height of the presidential campaign last fall, which we wrote about here and here in case you’ve forgotten. The short version is that CBS clipped a bit of one of Harris’s interviews for use in a promo. Trump contends they did this because the longer answer made her look like a giant airheaded idiot (it didn’t), and such UNPRECEDENTED ELECTION INTERFERENCE so typical of the lamestream liberal Democrat media could not go unpunished.
Trump sued for — we kid you not — $10 billion. CBS has offered to settle for $15 million, which is $15 million more than Trump deserves. The network and its parent company, Paramount, have also requested the case be dismissed. This week, Trump’s lawyers filed a response to that request in which we learned that this editing caused our big wet baby president all sorts of emotional agita.
Not that such histrionics are new for Trump, who suffers emotional agita if his valet takes more than 30 seconds to bring him a Diet Coke. Still, the language in the legal motion was ... something, even by his standards of self-pity. Here’s a couple of tastes:
Confusion! Mental anguish! Christ, this makes it sound as if he had braying mobs howling at his door because of a standard TV edit. But Trump is claiming harm because he had to “re-direct significant time, money, and effort to correct the public record regarding the content of the Interview.” As if correcting the public record of your opponent isn’t the most basic tenet of a political campaign. What else was he using that time and money for, paying off women he banged while married to Melania? Or did he get all that out of his system in his first term?
Next up, we have Elon Musk, the Beavis to Trump’s Butthead. The Hank Venture to his Dean Venture. The Philip J. Fry to his Bender Rodriguez. Jeez, we have a lot of cartoon references.
Musk spent the past few days on a sort of media goodbye tour as he prepares to allegedly leave behind fucking up the American government so he can return to fucking up all his private companies. And oh Lord, the self-pity he has wallowed in during interviews could power the Mars colony he is never going to build.
Here, for example, is a piece in The Washington Post:
He said repercussions over DOGE cuts had been severe. “DOGE is just becoming the whipping boy for everything,” he said. “So, like, something bad would happen anywhere, and we would get blamed for it even if we had nothing to do with it.”
He also expressed dismay over the reputational hit his companies took: “People were burning Teslas. Why would you do that? That’s really uncool.”
Super uncool, you guys! All Elon did was shred our government into little tiny pieces and then brag to high heaven about it, and everyone acts like he killed someone or something!
What’s that? Killed hundreds of thousands, so far, and condemned possibly millions more to future suffering and death? Oh. Well.
Musk is also very upset because all that hard destruction he set in motion by slashing spending is for naught, because Congress can authorize other spending:
Musk told CBS News in a separate interview that he did not approve of President Donald Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill with its massive tax cuts, a major break with the president and Republicans. “I was disappointed to see the massive spending bill, frankly, which increases the budget deficit, not just decreases it, and undermines the work that the DOGE team is doing,” Musk said.
We’re not going to get into the difference between mandatory and discretionary spending here. A couple of Republicans tried to do that already, and who knows if it stuck. (It did not stick.)
This entire week has been what Axios called an “image rehab tour” for Musk, as he hopped from news outlet to news outlet to defend his work over the last four months while expressing confusion that people might be mad at him for it. Because it has long been clear from his behavior on X and in public that what he wants more than anything is to be liked. Instead, the public brays for blood, hoping someone will strap him to the nosecone of one of his rockets that keep blowing up.
Finally, we come to Dan Bongino. The FBI deputy director and confirmed meathead was interviewed by “Fox & Friends” on Thursday, and did you guys know all the difficult sacrifices he’s had to make to voluntarily become one of the most powerful law enforcement officials in the federal government? Did you care enough to listen to him whine about it on morning television? Probably not, but here’s a taste anyway:
Oh wow, you and Kash Patel are working long hours? Is this the first actual job you’ve ever had? Was it easier being a conservative shock jock yammering into a microphone for three hours a day while publicly sneering at liberals and celebrating all the owning of them you were pulling off?
Like this one, this is neat:
We’re sure the thousands of federal employees the administration that employs Bingo Bango has fired without notice or cause are very sympathetic to his suffering at hard labor, in between frantically checking their bank accounts to see if their unemployment has been deposited.
We thought real men were stoic alpha males who do hard things and take care of their families and make the world run while all the betas and soy boys are sipping hot cocoa in their pajamas and whining about the unfairness of life or woke shit like racism and pronouns. It turns out, to our complete lack of surprise, that folks like Trump, Musk and Bongino were projecting. Boy, do we have egg on our faces.
Not raw egg, though. Us beta males prefer our eggs cooked. Salmonella, you know?
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Because NOTHING'S more manly than being a whiney-ass tittybaby...
Which network can I sue because I never found Full House entertaining and have been emotionally Damaged ever since ? . . .