Dean Phillips Needs Extra Time To Build His ‘Brand’ And Go On Fox News, Let's All Wait For Him
Also can we let him take the exam open book and grade his Democratic primary performance on a curve?
If it seems like we’re piling on Dean Phillips lately, we are.
Now that we’ve gotten that explanation out of the way, here is today’s edition of That Stupidass Dunning-Kruger Motherfucker, starring Rep. Dean Phillips, who has been grievously misled to believe he is Kenough.
He just finished two days of setting his own dick on fire with comments that maybe he will run as a third party spoiler No Labels candidate instead of just damaging Joe Biden from within the Democratic Party — just kidding he takes it back! He will only hurt Biden by primarying him!
Then Phillips got his nuts handed to him by the incumbent president in the New Hampshire primary, where the incumbent president wasn’t even on the ballot.
Explaining why he’s chosen to stay in the Democratic primary and fuck America, this son of a bitch told reporters last night that he just needs to waste some more of our time so he can build his brand:
“What I'm saying is this: I don’t know what my name recognition is. It was zero just ten weeks ago. I would imagine in this country right now, it is probably 5 or 10 percent, tops. I was a brand-builder before this in the private sector. It takes recognition of a name or a brand in order to actually test it. I need some months to do that.
What does pumpkin need? Does he need some extra time to study for the test? Would it help if it’s open book? Can we reschedule some of these primaries so puddin’ can catch up?
“I will be introducing myself to the country. When a reasonable time has passed, when enough people at least know who I am, and we have legitimate polls that test me against Donald Trump and Joe Biden against Donald Trump, at least Democrats and I will have all the data we need to make a decision.”
Fuck him and fuck his data, while he’s out there actively undermining the incumbent president who is literally the only person who can reasonably beat Donald Trump.
Oh, and let’s not pretend “The Democrats” are any part of this.
“If somehow Joe Biden miraculously improves and he is in position to actually win this thing and I'm not, of course I'm going to fold it and get behind him.”
Joe Biden is in a position to win it right now, unless you’re only looking at polls that allow Dean Phillips to nurture Dean Phillips’s delusion that Dean Phillips, some pissant nepo baby from Minnesota, is the political savior America has been waiting for. National polls this far out are bullshit, but Phillips appears to be relying on fantasies that Joe Biden is going to lose Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin. That is not how things are looking.
“Conversely, if those polls show that I can do that and he probably can't, I believe it is incumbent upon the president to do the same for me and deny himself the nomination. That is the right thing to do. And I trust he will do the same.”
Dean Phillips, deus ex his own asshole, is going to do this at a “reasonable time.” And he thinks he has earned the right to stand here and say what it’s “incumbent” upon the fucking incumbent to do, for him.
Of course, like any good Democrat who’s totally serious about running as a Democrat and doesn’t have secret designs to skullfuck the election in Donald Trump’s favor, either for his ego or for reasons we don’t understand yet, Dean Phillips has been going on Fox News a whole bunch the past couple days. He goes on Fox News a lot. Because when you’re building your BRAND with Democrats, you definitely like to sit down with Harris Faulkner, the fakest, most two-faced hack at the entire network, and that’s when you’re not bumping uglies with Doocy on the “Fox & Friends” couch.
Yesterday, he began his interview with Faulkner by telling her that her career journey has been “beautiful” to watch. (She was an anchor in his state of Minnesota previously.) “Thank you!” she said, like a person who’s genuinely touched that her con is working on people. Then he started in with his BS about how he’s a great businessman, as if we all have amnesia about how well that little theory about America needing a bidness guy as president worked out. He yip-yapped about building a bipartisan Cabinet. We’re sure Chuck Todd is creaming his pants wherever he’s run off to.
At the end, in this patronizing tone that Phillips, again, has not earned the right to use, he told Faulkner that “Joe Biden is a good man. He’s not gonna beat Donald Trump.” It’s amazing how much Dean Phillips clearly wants that to be true. Journalists, it’s worth digging to find out why.
This morning, Phillips sat down with Steve Doocy on some rustic campground wilderness set that looks suspiciously like Tucker Carlson’s Unabomber she-shed — Doocy was wearing his play clothes! — to babble about how we’ve got to stop dividing, and instead start uniting. (Read: with a MAGA fascist movement that seeks to literally destroy America.)
Pretty sure we all understand what this dork’s “brand” is.
South Carolina is going to be so fucking embarrassing for this dude.
[Politico / video via Aaron Rupar]
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OMG everybody, I'm gonna get a totally WEIRDASS present from a total WEIRDO.
Details to come, assuming WEIRDO consents.
Some of you were not even born when the 2000 presidential race happened.
Did you know that George W Bush won that contest? He did so with the help of SCOTUS election interference halting the recount of votes in FUCKING FLORIDA.
GWB "won" Florida by 537 votes. Let that sink in for a few hours. Let it sink in that the number of eligible voters in Buttfuck, Florida ( pop.614) decided we get Bush.
Did you know Bush and Cheney dismissed Bin Laden as a non threat right up to 9/11/2001?
ELECTIONS MATTER!
Incidentally Ralph Nader was the Green Party candidate that year and he received about 97.5 thousand votes in FUCKING FLORIDA. Food for thought there, right?
And now we have Dean-O here building a brand and undermining the ONLY person Donald Trump considered a credible threat to his re-election in 2020.
Fuck off Ralph Nader! Fuck off Jill Stein! Fuck off Bernie Sanders! Fuck off Kanye! and now fuck off Dean!
I've seen enough of these spoilers. They may not like being called spoilers but that is exactly what they are. So they can all fuck the fuck off. I've certainly had enough of their shit. By their deeds you shall know them! And Ralph Nader's deeds in 2000 gave us Bush. If Dean is helping Trump he is hurting all of the rest of us. And Dean IS HELPING TRUMP.