Does Trump Reallllllly Think God's Going To Let Putin’s Bitch Into Heaven?
Let's lower our expectations, OK?
Donald Trump said the strangest thing on “Fox & Friends” yesterday. He said museums are more offensive to him than slavery that he has to provide his license plate when he votes that he wants to go to heaven when he dies.
LOL you guys, stop laughing while you imagine the lapping flames of hell eternally messing up Donald Trump’s bronzer, this is a serious post!
Anyway, he said:
“I want to end it. You know, we’re not losing American lives, we’re not losing American soldiers. We’re losing Russia and Ukrainian, mostly soldiers. Some people, as missiles hit wrong spots or get lobbed into cities. But if I can save 7,000 people a week from being killed, I think that’s a pretty — I want to try and get to heaven if possible. I’m hearing I’m not doing well. I hear I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons.”
He just wants to end the war! he insisted, while auditioning for God and for the Nobel committee.
Never mind that his way of “ending the war” is to give his father in Russia — the invader in this war, the aggressor, the murderer, the baby-stealer, the child rapist — everything he wants while fucking Ukraine up the ass without lube and stealing all its land.
Never mind that that’s always been Trump’s plan for ending Putin’s war against Ukraine, going all the way back to when Putin’s war against Ukraine only involved the Crimea he had stolen and Trump’s “free” 2016 campaign chair Paul Manafort was running around licking Russian balls shopping “peace plans” to carve up Ukraine and the Trump campaign was only making one teensy change to that year’s GOP platform, and it was to soften Republicans’ commitment to providing lethal aid to Ukraine to protect it from Russia.
White House Nazi Barbie Karoline Leavitt confirmed that Trump was serious about this wanting to go to heaven thing, saying during yesterday’s Lies ‘n’ Botox session with the White House Press Corps that “I think the president was serious. I think the president wants to get to heaven, as I hope we all do in this room as well.”
Ha ha ha ha ha, Karoline Leavitt. You’re not going either.
While Trump is out here telling “Fox & Friends” about his heavenly desires, it might be relevant to discuss the letter to Vladimir Putin that Grok ChatGPT one of those porn AI boyfriends that’s like “LET ME TALK YOU SOME SMUT” Melania Trump wrote and Trump reportedly hand-delivered to Putin before their Alaskan cock-docking session last week.
SAVE THE CHILDREN! the letter from Melania cried to Putin, sort of, though it wasn’t clear which children or where. (There’s a growing lore that Melania gives a shit about children and has motherly feelings, and moreover according to Donald that it’s she who is always reminding him every time he’s afterglowing from a tender session with Daddy Putin that Putin just bombed another Ukrainian city. Melania! The one with the soul!)
Fox News got the letter exclusively (and in English), because as Amanda Marcotte argues, the intended audience for this letter was always MAGA idiots, not Putin. It said:
“Dear President Putin,” the first lady’s letter begins. “Every child shares the same quiet dreams in their heart, whether born randomly into a nation’s rustic countryside or a magnificent city-center. They dream of love, possibility, and safety from danger.”
“As parents, it is our duty to nurture the next generation’s hope,” the letter continued. “As leaders, the responsibility to sustain our children extends beyond the comfort of a few.”
“Undeniably, we must strive to paint a dignity-filled world for all—so that every soul may wake to peace, and so that the future itself is perfectly guarded,” read the letter. “A simple yet profound concept, Mr. Putin, as I am sure you agree, is that each generation’s descendants begin their lives with a purity—an innocence which stands above geography, government, and ideology.”
“Mr. Putin, you can singlehandedly restore their melodic laughter,” the first lady wrote. “In protecting the innocence of these children, you will do more than serve Russia alone—you serve humanity itself.”
“Such a bold idea transcends all human division, and you, Mr. Putin, are fit to implement this vision with a stroke of the pen today,” she wrote. “It is time.”
And she signed her name in idiot Sharpie scribbles that for some reason look exactly like Donald’s signature, maybe they took a couples penmanship class with Jeffrey Epstein or something. (Bet that guy would’ve written Putin some letters about saving the children, and that Trump would have hand-delivered those too.)
So yeah, we’re all drying our tears reading Melania’s pleas to Vladimir for the rando idiot kids from the country and also the ones born in luxurious high-rises, begging him to make them laugh again.
One might guess she’s talking about all the Ukrainian children Vladimir Putin has kidnapped/trafficked into Russia, but if that’s it, we don’t know why she feels the need to speak in code. (Maybe it’s just habit among these folks when they’re talking to current/former Russian intelligence officers.)
“[E]very call for peace and the protection of children” is great, said the US-based Children of Ukraine Foundation to Mother Jones when they asked for comment on Melania’s letter, but “it is vital to be precise.” Ahem.
Compare that to the words of European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen in the Oval Office the other day, her heartfelt plea that the return of the children Russia has kidnapped and trafficked be one of the main conditions of their negotiating. And note how Trump responded:
VON DER LEYEN: Every single child has to go back to its family. This should be one of our main priorities also in these negotiations to make sure that the children come back to Ukraine to their families.
TRUMP: Thank you and we did, I was just thinking we’re here for a different reason, but we just a couple weeks ago made the largest trade deal in history, so that’s a big, that’s a big thing and congratulations, that’s great, thank you very much, Ursula.
Now, to be entirely fair, before that clip picked up, von der Leyen mentioned the recent NATO summit and the trade deal. She was emphasizing that Europe and the US are allies, that they are working together on all these things, and now today we are here to try to end this war. (Start around six minutes in to the full clip here.)
But Trump is a guy who remembers the last thing that was said to him, and the last thing she said was about the children. We guess maybe we should amend that to say that he remembers the last thing said to him that could be interpreted as praise for Dear Leader. Those kids? Fuck those kids. He doesn’t care about those kids, and we’re sorry, but we don’t believe Melania does either.
It should be obvious to anyone paying attention that all of this “Donald Trump wants to make peace to do the right thing by Jesus” is a ploy, and again an audition for the Nobel Committee. (For Christ’s sake, the bitch cold-called the Norwegian finance minister a week ago to beg for the peace prize.)
That includes any bullshit meant for lapping up by MAGA audiences about how their lord and savior Trump really really really wants to do the Lord’s will here and he just wants to go to heaven and live with Jesus. Also, we should include here for context all the MAGA horseshit about how God “spared” Trump in Butler, Pennsylvania, for some sort of divine purpose. Could this be that divine purpose? Fuck off.
Trump wants adulation, he wants the peace prize he will never deserve, the one that was literally given to Barack Obama simply because the world loved him so much, based on what they hoped he could achieve — now does it make sense why Trump wants it so much? — and he wants to be able to suck his Russian daddy off and give his Russian daddy everything he wants, without people criticizing him or calling him a traitor or a betrayer of our actual allies.
And he’s not going to Heaven for that. (Or getting the fucking Nobel.)
Trump wouldn’t like Heaven much, anyway. All the tacky gold-plating is in hell, and besides, Jesus has seen the Epstein Files, so.
OPEN THREAD.
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I hear that it's a place on earth, but also that it's a place, a place where nothing, nothing ever happens.
He also can't get to heaven on roller skates, in an old Ford car, in dirty jeans, in a Sabre Jet, on a pair of skis, or by killing hundreds of thousands of children by ending USAID.