Don't Go Taking Any Penis Advice From Clavicular
A warning.
The last month has been something of a whirlwind for Clavicular (real name Braden Peters), the “looksmaxxing” influencer perhaps best known for doing a bunch of meth and smashing himself in the face with a hammer in pursuit of handsomeness. Also for walking out of interviews when journalists ask him about his friendship with proud misogynist and alleged human trafficker Andrew Tate or refuse to ask him for advice on how they can be more handsome.
On Friday, he had his day in court for the crime of shooting at a dead alligator with fellow livestreamer Andrew “TheCubanTarzan” Morales, whereupon he pleaded guilty to unlawfully discharging a firearm in public and was sentenced to 20 hours of community service that he will not be allowed to livestream, along with a firearms safety course. But the real punishment came when the internet decided that he had been “brutally mogged” by the judge who sentenced him.
In case you don’t know, “mogging” (derived from the acronym AMOG — Alpha Male of the Group) means, um, being near someone while being better looking or having more muscles than they do, but only if one of you is giant weirdo for whom that is some kind of big own.
Naturally, there was a backlash from Clavicular’s fans, who swiftly stepped up to insist that he was not, in fact, “justicemogged” and was still better looking than the judge … according to science. Weird incel face science, that is.
In other news, it remains a complete and total mystery as to why Gen Z women don’t want to date Gen Z men.
This will not be his last time in court for the near future, as he is currently being sued by female looksmaxxer Alorah Ziva, who says he injected her face with a non-FDA-approved fat-dissolving drug (Aqualyx) without her consent and sexually assaulted her when she was underage. He also has an open and pending battery charge against him, for having reportedly instigated a fight between two women for the purpose of streaming it.
Over the weekend, after his court date, Clavicular made an appearance on Logan Paul’s podcast, “Impaulsive,” during which he discussed what he is doing to, um, penismaxx these days.
Via New York Post:
Clavicular revealed to Paul and his co-host, Mike Majlak, that he has been doing PE (penis enhancement) for some time now, using weighted shopping bags.
“Can you elaborate?” Paul asked the influencer.
Production members quickly located a shopping bag so that viewers were able to have a PG-rated demonstration.
“You just put stuff in here, various items, and you wrap it around your wrist like this. Then you’re basically holding onto your suspensory ligament and stretching,” the influencer explained.
He then told the hosts, “I would do this while I was driving.”
That … does not seem like a great idea, actually. But apparently dude is not all that concerned with having a functioning dick, as he revealed later in the program.
However, it was a wild ‘Would you rather’ answer from Clavicular that Paul quickly labeled “crazy.”
When asked if he’d rather have hair or a functioning penis, he selected hair, because in his opinion, the average person doesn’t meet Jason Statham’s level of looks when bald.
“You’re going to have this bald head and a functional d–k, but it’s going to be over for you when you’ve got no one you can use it on besides your hand,” he said.
And yet, he seems rather committed to having no one to use it on, given his comments later in the show about his disinterest in the female orgasm.
“Can I ask you how important is it to you to also make the girl have an orgasm?” Paul asked.
“Not important,” Clavicular replied, explaining that the amount of extra effort that's required to do that is just “not going to really have much ROI,” adding that “you know, you're going to have to spend at least an extra half hour more than you usually would …”
Mike Majlak, Paul’s co-host, tried to explain that this may not really work in a long-term relationship and also that vibrators exist, which Clavicular claimed was “cocked” because “Uh now you're sitting there with some stupid vibrator like like you know what I mean?”
Do we ever!
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Clavicular then explained that there were better things he could do with that time to make a girl want to have a long term relationship with him, rather than “just a stupid fleeting orgasm,” like set up his livestream or “take an important phone call.”
Because, you know, the ladies love that. This guy, he just gets us.
I mean, this is just what women want, right? A guy who smashes his face in with a hammer, has done meth to lose weight, shoots at dead alligators, injects himself with bizarre chemicals, constantly discusses and obsesses over his own level of attractiveness as well as the attractiveness of other men, and is bad at sex.
Truly, he is the whole package.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
Harry and Bear are moggies that are mogging the fuck out of that idiot!
https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-262148202?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc
"at least an extra half hour"
1st: You're complaining about more time having sex?
2nd: I'm not saying that zero folks are slow to orgasm or non-orgasmic, but 30 minutes ain't the minimum, dude. I speak from more than 30 minutes experience.