Eight Losers Qualify To Sit At Losers' Table At First GOP Debate (There Are No Other Tables)
Eight Losers Qualify To Sit At Losers' Table At First GOP Debate (There Are No Other Tables)
This is pointless.
What a week. Donald Trump is getting booked in Georgia, unless he really does try to flee to Russia. But yet Republican primary voters remain so petulantly stupid that they’re likely to hand him the GOP presidential nomination for 2024, even though one of the most recent polls says 53 percent of Americans definitely won’t support Trump and 11 percent probably won’t.
We have personally believed for a while now that the most likely outcome for the 2024 election is that MAGA Republicans double and triple down on choosing their cult leader criminal as the nominee, and immediately proceed to lose the general election so dramatically that we all go deaf from the entire world laughing at them, regardless of whether he has made it to prison yet. Nothing has happened to change our prognostication on that count.
But hey, this week they are going to have the first Republican primary debate on Fox News!
Trump has already announced that he’s too lazy/busy/indicted/awesome to participate in this debate or any other, but there’s a whole other passel of creeps and societal outcasts who have qualified to be in the first one. Again, none of these people has any chance of being the nominee unless something changes drastically. A bunch of them are likely just auditioning to be part of Trump’s fake imaginary “Cabinet” he won’t actually need once he loses again.
The debate will be moderated by Bret Baier and Martha McCallum — Media Matters has a good roundup of what kind of world-class bullshit dispensers they are — and the participants will be:
Chris Christie
Ron “Mickey Mouse Stoled My Pudding Meatballs” DeSantis
Nikki Haley
Vivek Ramaswamy
Mike “All These People Tried To Murder Me” Pence
Asa Hutchinson
Doug Burgum
Tim Scott
If you feel like you haven’t heard of a name or two on that list, it’s OK because they probably haven’t heard of themselves either.
Clownass Larry Elder claims he should have qualified, so he’s making noise about how he’s going to sue the RNC to stop the debate. (Candidates had to have 40,000 donors by Monday night, and one percent in a certain number of approved polls.)
The other “candidates” who are such losers that they aren’t even allowed to sit at the losers’ table are Miami Mayor Francis Suarez and some guy Perry Johnson. (Will Hurd is also theoretically running, but as the New York Times notes, he wouldn’t sign the RNC’s pledge to support the eventual nominee, so he doesn’t count.)
Much of the event will likely be about shitting on Ron DeSantis for sport. As he is an irredeemably awkward, unlikable human with no social skills, it could be some fun TV viewing.
As for other news about the debate, Donald Trump Jr. and his weird girlfriend/wife/lover Kimberly Guilfoyle have announced their intentions to come and do their right-wing media babbling thing for Daddy Dearest in his absence, but Fox News has said no surrogates in the spin room for any candidates who don’t deign to show up. So it’s not entirely clear whether Junior and Guilfoyle will be able to oh my god, we are sorry, we don’t care enough about this to finish typing this sentence.
Debate tomorrow night! We’ll liveblog it, unless we don’t!
Be there, or be somewhere else!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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It's time to clean the toilets again. I'll catch the recaps on PBS, MSNBC, and CNN.
The only thing of interest in this debate will be the zingers. They'll be all over the internet on Thursday for my convenience.
Thanks for sitting through the shit, Evan.