Everyone Tells Tucker Carlson About Their Congressional Orgies But No One Invites Him
He also has some thoughts on UFOs.
You know, we just don’t get to check in on our old pal Tucker Carlson as often as we used to these days. It’s a little unfortunate, because now that he is hosting his interviews in a hunting lodge ‘neath an antler chandelier instead of in a studio at Fox News, he’s gotten quite … eclectic in his views and chosen topics.
Like this past Friday when Carlson sat down with one of Wonkette’s favorite legislators, Rep. Tim Burchett (R-Tennessee), to have a chat about UFOs — now referred to as UAPs — and the governmental conspiracy to cover them up. The short version of this is that Burchett very much believes in UFOs and UAPs and practically everyone he has ever met, especially people in the armed forces, have told him that they have personally seen one, and that Tucker Carlson can’t believe “the media” has been focused on things like unarmed Black people being killed by police instead of trying to find out if UFOs are real. In fact, he literally said the words, “It’s a lot more serious than Black Lives Matter or any of the other nonsense that we’ve, you know, become obsessed with over the past generation.”
Incredible, really, how one sentence can say so much.
I have to tell you, by the way, that this interview starts out with a little intro featuring various images of Carlson wearing what appears to be the entire L.L. Bean catalog, along with a picture of him as a young lad, posing with Jerry Garcia of The Grateful Dead.
Has anyone ever done any kind of study on why there are so many right-wing Deadheads? I’d like to posit a theory that whatever it is that allows them to sit and listen to people talking for four hours at a time on all these internet talk shows without jumping out of their skin is the same thing that might allow them to listen to and enjoy live jam bands without the use of heavy drugs.
But I digress!
Later on in the interview, it gets even weirder, if you can believe that. Because that’s when they start talking about another kind of anal probe.
Burchett somehow got on the topic of how he once told Benny Johnson all about how Russian honeypots were once used to compromise politicians to force them to vote a certain way, and how there was a “Chinese-run prostitution ring” with a “client list” that allegedly included a lot of high ranking individuals, but that no one had heard anything about it, because it had all been covered up.
He explained.
“The next week, Tucker, there was this huge — and I said it always gets covered up and everything gets covered up and then somebody owns you. That’s compromised. That’ll be the title of my book. If I ever write a book, Tim Burchett’s Compromised Washington, because that’s what happens or has happened in the past — the very next week, a Chinese prostitution ring was busted in where? Washington DC. And who are the and it was listed in the paper. Who is their client list? Um, high-ranking officials in government, elected officials, and lobbyists.
“Now to me that that that’s all kinds of red flags going up all over the place. Well, and then the next week the story disappeared. Yeah, of course it did.”
A quick search shows that the media — Boston media in particular, as it was mostly based in Cambridge — has, in fact, continued to cover it for the last two years, but that doesn’t make an especially good story.
“I have noticed, having spent my life in DC, that people’s personal lives are getting weirder in the Congress,” Tucker responded. “Have you noticed that? Without implicating anyone by name. I don’t think I’m imagining this. It’s not just sleeping with your scheduler, it’s weirder than that. Have you noticed that?”
Burchett said he prefers to stay in his office as often as possible.
“Well, I just want to say for the record, I never heard of anybody participating in an orgy in Washington DC in my entire life, and I’ve heard a lot about it recently,” Carlson told him, adding, “I wasn’t there, I’m not going there, but I think that’s real.”
Of course people in Washington DC are going to orgies. They have FetLife there, don’t they?
That being said, we would assume this info is coming less from any invitations he’s gotten and more to do with the claims of Madison Cawthorn, who previously asserted that all of the Republicans were having orgies all of the time.
“So, I’ve never been, I don’t know if it is or isn’t,” Burchett responded. “I’d like, I’d hope that it isn’t and I’d like to think that it isn’t, but I’ve never been invited. So, yeah. I when I was in the state legislature, we used to talk about that how we knew some people were pretty shady and, um, but you know they never they would never come to somebody like me and offer me anything because they knew my background.”
Either that or they just didn’t think he’d be a great time at a gang bang?
Burchett then explained that what he thinks “they” actually do now is hire the wives and girlfriends of elected officials (who are, of course, all men) at corporations and other businesses, which then means “they own your ass.” He believes this because he always hears people talking about their wives and girlfriends who work at places in the District. What else could it possibly be? Surely they couldn’t just be, you know, women with jobs in the city where they live! That would just be silly.
Remember, now, this is all in the context of “the government is covering up the existence of UFOs, for reasons” — so I suppose the larger implication here is that some shadowy group within the government is using brothels and orgies and normal jobs that people’s significant others have, in order to pressure politicians to not force the release of information about UFOs, just like on The X-Files.
I guess that could be true, but I’d also prefer they spend more time getting people affordable health care than worrying about little green men from outer space. After that, they can have all the orgies they want.
PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!
It’s almost 11, and I’m sipping on the sketch of a cocktail for Friday. One of my inside contacts in the tequila business shipped me a bottle of mezcal and tequila, so I’m working up a tequila coffee cocktail that’s too tasty to stop sipping. I might need to eat some breakfast. Eventually. My shift at Hemingway’s starts at 2. America is in an awful place, but I love my life.
LOL we all know Cawthorn was right, just because of what happened with that scumbag former Congressman from the Florida Panhandle (and "Nestor," most likely).
Did Russia not invite Tuckums back over for another grocery store spot? Is this what his programming is now?