God's Most Pathetic Republicans Spend Week Taking Fluffer Shifts Outside Trump's NY Trial
This is what rock bottom looks like.
Every day this week, there’s been a small parade of MAGA idiots showing up outside the Trump trial in New York to pay their respects and worship their god, and for no other discernible purpose. On Monday, it was Republican Senators JD Vance and Tommy Tuberville. Vance didn’t say anything of substance, as piles of shedded human butthair rarely do. Tuberville bitched and moaned that it was too depressing inside the courtroom, and nobody would call Donald Trump “Former President Trump.”
It was exactly the kind of impotent whining we’ve come to expect from MAGA men in the year of our Lord 2024.
Tuberville explained on Newsmax that a big reason he went up there was to “be able to go out and overcome this gag order” on behalf of Trump, because that’s how stuff works, right? Or is Tuberville just History’s Stupidest Monster?
Tubby McDumbfuck just really hopes more senators and congressmen will show up to help him violate that gag order for Trump. (The one the appeals court just upheld.) You know, because Trump isn’t even allowed to intimidate witnesses or the jury right now, and that is unconstitutional.
Here’s part of yesterday’s parade of human outhouses, who showed up to read lines about the judge’s daughter Trump literally fed to them. And oh God, look what they’re wearing:
There’s Doug Burgum, the nondescript and pointless white man from the other Dakota. There’s Rep. Cory Mills, the inbred Florida dipshit who thinks he’s stumbled upon the most cleverest reason to impeach Joe Biden. There’s Rep. Byron Donalds and Vivek Ramaswamy, who … bless their hearts. Put it this way: The last time Ramaswamy appeared on Wonkette, it was because he was just excited Ann Coulter knew his name enough to throw racist attacks at him. Meanwhile, Donalds may have the least integrity of any Republican in the House, which is a saying a lot, since Nancy Mace is also a member of the body.
Washington is not sending its finest Republicans to Trump’s trial, is what we are saying. Or maybe it is.
Of course, most humiliatingly, House Speaker Mike Johnson showed up yesterday to kiss the royal taint. And oh boy, he didn’t just kiss it, he Frenched it. (If Johnson’s teenage son’s porn alarm went off yesterday, that’s what Daddy was doing.)
Johnson repeated the GOP line about how we shouldn’t trust Michael Cohen, on account of his history of lying under oath.
“This is a man who is clearly on a mission for personal revenge and who is widely known as a witness who has trouble with the truth,” Johnson said of Cohen outside the courthouse. “No one should believe a word he says today.” […]
“He lied to Congress, and he lied to the IRS. He lied to federal election officials. Even Cohen’s own lawyer testified to a grand jury that he is not reliable,” Johnson said. “So there’s nothing that he presents here that should be given any weight at all by a jury and certainly not this judge.”
He probably just forgot to mention the second part, about how every time Cohen has lied to the authorities, he did it at the direction of the defendant.
More bitching:
“The crime that they are accusing President Trump of is falsification of business records. I think everybody knows he is not the bookkeeper for his company,” Johnson said. “President Trump is innocent of these charges.”
More bitching, this time about the gag order:
“Anyone with common sense can understand what is happening here. In the midst of all this nonsense and corruption, they have placed a ridiculous and unprecedented gag order on President Trump,” Johnson said. “He is soon to be officially the nominee of one of the major parties in our country running for president and they have him tied up here in this ridiculous prosecution. That is not about justice. It’s all about politics and everybody can see that.”
Fuck you, Speaker Handmaid’s Tale Extremist God Troll.
So that was the flavor of Johnson’s taint-frenching. Just in case you thought the man couldn’t humiliate himself further than he did when he had to carry his dick in his hand to Hakeem Jeffries to beg Democrats to save his speakership from Marjorie Taylor Greene. Jeffries doesn’t appear to have give Johnson his dick back yet.
Will Senate Republican leadership be following Johnson up to New York to take fluffer shifts? They will not.
“I don’t,” Senate Minority Whip John Thune (R-SD) said as he emerged from a leadership meeting on Tuesday. “I’ll let the judiciary sort all that out.”
Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX), an adviser to [Mitch] McConnell, gave a similar answer. “I’m occupied here,” he told the Washington Examiner.
Last night, Laura Ingraham joined in the bitching and moaning on behalf of Trump’s gag order, because she too paid her respects at the trial yesterday. Mostly she just sounded like senile old half-dead, fart-ripping Trump, whining about the temperature in the room:
“First, let’s take some quick takes on the atmosphere in the courtroom today, where I was, and to give you a sense of what the GOP frontrunner has been dealing with these past three weeks,” she said. “The air is musty; the floors are old, tan brown linoleum – remember those? – and the benches hard oak, with a stress on the word hard.”
She also told her viewers that maybe as many as four jurors are going to vote to acquit Trump. Why? We don’t know for sure, but right-wing commentators appear to be coordinating to tell their followers that the trial is falling apart, that the prosecution is crashing and burning, when the complete opposite is true. What purpose that serves beyond making sure their pig viewers are maximum confused and outraged when the guilty verdict comes down is beyond us.
Wait, that’s the purpose, ha ha, we knew it all along.
[Washington Examiner / video via Aaron Rupar]
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Rep. Jamie Raskin told the Daily Beast, “I don’t find anything unusual about a fundamentalist theocrat who thinks the Bible is the supreme law of the land attending the legal proceedings of an adjudicated sexual assailant and world-class fraudster and con-man for cooking the books to cover up hush money payments he made to a porn star to conceal his adulterous affair. Do you?”
Red tie in the morning.
Morons' warning.