Good News, Florida, Bear Murder Is Legal Now

Bears as in wildlife, we mean. Shooting the other kind is presumably still frowned upon.

We all had a good laugh at the trailer for the movie Cocaine Bear, and some people may have even had a good laugh at the movie itself. We skipped it on the assumption that, much like with Snakes on a Plane, the trailer was way, way more entertaining than the movie could ever hope to be. We just wish we’d followed that assumption before we spent 90 precious minutes of our one and only life on this Earth watching Snakes on a Plane.

We did not, however, think of cocaine-snorting bears rampaging through America as a common problem worthy of governmental legislation giving the public permission to kill them. In this we made a rookie mistake for followers of American politics: never, ever, ever forget about Florida.

On Friday, Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill giving people permission to shoot threatening bears. Sort of a Stand Your Ground law, but for killing bears and not teenagers who are playing their music too loudly for your taste or committed the venal sin of knocking on your door in a white neighborhood to sell you Girl Scout cookies.

And that’s all well and good. We like to think if we were out running around in the Everglades with a gun and a bear tried to eat us, we would not have to pause in the act of shooting it to wonder if our lives were worth the hassle of being investigated by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission later on. When was the last time we gave DeSantis credit for signing a law or pushing a policy that did not, in theory, sound like the batshit lunatic ravings of a patient in a locked ward, or a Fox News addict living in The Villages?

Then we ran across comments that Jason Shoaf, a Republican (natch) member of the Florida House of Representatives who sponsored the bill, made about the bears when he first brought it up a few months ago:

The bill was dubbed “the cocaine bear bill” on social media after its sponsor said Floridians have the right to protect themselves against “the ones that are on crack.”

“They break your door down and they’re standing in your living room growling and tearing your house apart,” Rep. Jason Shoaf (R- Port St. Joe), who sponsored the House version of the bill, said while introducing legislation at a committee meeting.

“When you run into one of these crack bears, you should be able to shoot it,” Shoaf said. “Period.”

How is it that “The Simpsons” managed to spoof stuff that hadn’t happened yet?

Who is this Shoaf guy? Has he always been A Idiot? Let’s see … Christian … conservative … small businessman … seems like a pretty bog-standard Repu—

Oh, endorsed by Matt Gaetz. That explains it.

But wow, bear attacks must be a big problem in Florida if enough people are shooting them left and right that they need pre-emptive pardons for it, right?

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission lists reported “incidents of physical contact” between a black bear and a human stemming back to 2006. […]

Since the list began, 2022 was the year with the greatest number of reports across the state, with seven incidents taking place. In all, the FWC lists 39 incidents since 2006.

One incident in 2023 did involve a bear breaking into someone’s house and trapping her in her bathroom, though there is nothing in this story to suggest the bear was ganked to the gills on Bolivian marching powder at the time.

Apparently the FFWCC investigates bear incidents, and we’re guessing quite a few Florida residents have been shooting first and claiming to have feared for their lives much later. And if the woman trapped in her bathroom had had a gun, we’re further guessing there would have been little question she would have been justified in shooting it, it’s not as if the bear was a Black kid who had the temerity to wear a hoodie in public.

Well, good hunting, terrorized bear victims in Florida. Try not to do anything that will show up in Dave Barry’s next novel.

[Channel 8 Tampa]

Wonkette is kept alive and safe from cocaine-addled bears thanks to bear spray and the generous support of our readers.