It has been a hot minute since we checked in on Victor Marx, the Republican nominee for Colorado governor. In case you need a refresher, he’s just a regular guy who claims to have killed “someone” at the age of seven, at the behest of his stepfather who also forced him to kill a cat at the age of three and to then somehow wear said dead cat on his head. He also claims to have performed many exorcisms, both in person and over the phone, and to have personally rescued more than 45,000 women and children in 30 countries he can’t actually name. Among other things.
THESE OTHER THINGS.
He was also a spiritual mentor to Charlie Kirk, though that one checks out.
Right now, it doesn’t seem as though he’s doing very well. In fact, no one has even bothered to do any polling on the race since August … of 2025. That poll had him trailing the Democratic nominee, Colorado state Attorney General Phil Weiser, by 12 points.
Of course, at that point, the fact that he was a child murderer/exorcist had not yet been well-publicized. That could hurt or help him, depending on how batshit Colorado Republicans are. I really don’t know anymore.
The latest news with the American Mary Bell is that, for one, he’s recently been fined $58,000 for illegally taking individual donations over the legal limit, totaling around $83,000. The administrative hearing officer who determined the fine did note that he was apparently too stupid to know that this was illegal, but that it didn’t really matter because he should have at least hired someone less stupid to tell him it was illegal.
“The person charged with compliance did not know what he was doing, and no one above him made sure that he did,” administrative hearing officer Macon Cowles wrote in his decision. “Why an experienced professional was not hired when the Marx Campaign carried a balance of ‘hundreds of thousands of dollars’ in its bank account.”
He also held a rather fascinating Zoom call with his backers the other night, during which he recounted a lovely evening with his wife when he threw her against a wall out of nowhere in order to “teach her a lesson about self defense.”
“Show the before and after; they don’t want the full truth—that my wife was fake-crying, suckered me in,” Marx told his donors. “I was like, ‘Oh my gosh are you OK?’ and she does a spinning back kick into my [groin].
“I was like, ‘OK, you actually can protect yourself,’” Marx recalled.
Marx’s wife, Eileen, then appeared on camera, placing her arms around his neck while claiming that she did a “rear choke” defense. […]
Well, far be it for me to kink shame anyone, but that’s not the way he’s always described the incident. In another interview he did in 2021, it sounds much worse than that.
In 2021, the former Marine turned priest laughed while recalling “grabbing her and slamming” his wife after she suggested that he could protect her.
“It was a decent push,” he said at the time, beaming. “She hit that and started crying, bent over, facing the opposite way.”
In still another interview, Marx’s wife insisted that he was merely inspiring her to train more.
Eileen Marx said she did not believe the rough encounters with her husband constituted domestic abuse but that they had instead reminded her that she does “need to train.”
“What he did—eight years after that, I got my first-degree black belt,”
Ah yes, the old motivational slam into the door. Classic normal relationship move.
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It’s worth noting that one of his other heartwarming stories involved throwing his toddler son across the room. He says he did it because the boy was hurting his sister and that he only threw him onto the bed, but like … he was a toddler and Victor Marx was an adult man with a blackbelt in the “Cajun Karate” invented by his father, Karl Marx (not kidding), so he probably could have just picked him up? Unless the child inherited his cat-like reflexes and, like his wife, also kicked him in the groin?
Also, in 2014, Marx explained to his congregation that a primary cause of domestic violence was bitches not knowing their place.
“More girls and women would not be abused by men if they were content with who they are and where God has them,” he explained. Sadly, I cannot find the whole sermon online, so I can’t learn precisely who Victor Marx thinks women are and where God has them, but I think we can assume that it is in the kitchen making Victor Marx a sandwich. The right sandwich. Without mayo. And the crusts cut off. Otherwise, you know, she might just be asking for it.
I don’t know, though. He’s a sick fuck and a pathological liar, but his could still be a just be an “every pot has its lid” situation involving two very weird people who lie a lot, think they are “The Real Mr. And Mrs. Smith,” and who like to randomly attack one another in order to practice their karate skills.
Like you do.
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“More girls and women would not be abused by men if..."
so many men weren't pathetic, scared little boys with daddy and anger issues WHO HIT WOMEN BECAUSE IT IS SAFE FOR THEM TO DO SO AND THEY LIKE THE SENSE OF POWER IT BRINGS.
Let's normalize putting the focus on where it belongs, motherfucker.
"He also claims to have performed many exorcisms, both in person and over the phone."
May I speak to Satan, please?