Government Buying Kristi Noem Two New Private Jets While Your Health Insurance Premium Goes Up 1 Billion Percent
Priorities!
I got a new plane! In fact, I got two new planes! And they only cost $172 million! Can you believe it?
Why do I need new planes? What’s wrong with the older one I’ve been winging around the country in to get to my various LARPing festivals ... uh, I mean my important work leading our ICE agents into combat as they protect the homeland?
Well, first, I need a plane to carry me and my staff, and then I need a second plane to carry all my outfits. There’s my “standing on a detention center roof and staring down a guy in a chicken costume on the street” outfit. There’s my “going on a pre-dawn raid of an apartment building full of children with law enforcement officers kitted out like they are taking the Hindu Kush” outfit. There’s my “I’m on a boat in the ocean so prepare to be boarded, Pancho or Manuel or whoever” outfit. So many outfits!
Have you ever tried packing a Kevlar vest with a nighty and all your toiletries? The vest just takes up too much space. And I need multiple vests. I need my morning vest. I need my afternoon vest. I need my camouflage vest. I need my plain old basic black vest. I need my eveningwear vest. Lots of vests!
Why do I need a nighty? Uh, because my chief of staff/boyfriend is traveling with me, duh. And contrary to Internet rumors, I do not sleep curled up with my spiked tail under children’s beds where they can easily hear me grumbling menacingly and catch the foul stench of my breath as I contemplate swallowing them whole.
I mean, for one thing, children’s beds are tiny. There is no room under one for me plus all my Kevlar vests.
The media should be ashamed for insinuating that I, Kristi Noem, travel the country searching out innocent children that I can eat and then regurgitate, vomiting them up in a cocoon of my own viscera like a cat barfing up a hairball produced by Lucifer himself, from whence they will eventually emerge as hideous foot soldiers in my army of ghouls as we root out all the illegals in this country, one by one.
So long as they stand perfectly still at all times. Our agents aren’t big on running. Or physical fitness in general.
(burps lightly)
It’s an absurd smear by the liberal media, which should be thanking us for getting rid of all these criminals, like the guy with a misdemeanor DUI from 2008 and the abuela arrested for running a street tamale cart without a license. Does it matter where we send them, be it a detention center, or a country they have never been and have no connection to, or through the Terror Portal and into the Far Realm?
All of America owes us a great debt. You should all be cooking our law enforcement officers a meal to show your gratitude. A good meal. A fancy meal. Something they need to eat with utensils.
None for me, though, I’m swinging by an orphanage when this press conference is over.
(licks lips)
Really, buying $172 million worth of private jets for me at a time when the nation’s farmers are being wiped out, workers aren’t getting paid because the federal government is shut down, the cost of living is shooting up, and poor mothers and children are about to go hungry because we’re withholding their WIC benefits until Democrats cave is the least that America can do.
Yes, I am aware that a used Gulfstream V like the government is buying me generally sells for somewhere between $9 million and $12 million. So how come we’re shelling out $172 million for two of them? Do I really need so much secure communications equipment that it will cause the price to septuple?
The answer is: shut up. You shut your filthy mouth or I’ll take you up to the gravel pit on my ranch. That’s what I should tell all these illegals when they complain about how we’re violating the Constitution or civil liberties or blah blah blah. “Well Jose, I can send you to Eswatini, or I can walk you up to the gravel pit. Your choice.” Bet he’ll make a beeline for the plane to Eswatini.
If Donald Trump can have his golden ballroom, Kristi Noem can have her goddamn private jets.
[NYT]
Kristi Noem would really hate it if you donated to keep Wonkette going forever.
She doesn’t need two jets, let her use her broom, it’s free. 🧹🧹
It really is the gaudy Televangelist Presidency.