Happy Xmas! President Kid Rock Announces War On Bud Light Is Over!

And Matt Walsh is shitting his entire innards about it.

Dec 14, 2023

It has been decreed by the authorities that armistice has been reached in the war between Godly Christian Americans and Bud Light, which bombed Pearl Harbor and did 9/11 back in the spring by sending one (1) can of beer to Dylan Mulvaney, a transgender woman, with her face on it.

As the New York Daily News reports, the announcement was made by Kid Rock, the decider of these things. “I think they got the message,” he told Tucker Carlson, the other decider. Indeed, it was Kid Rock who started it all, when after Bud Light sent one (1) (un) (واحد) can of beer to Mulvaney, Mr. Rock attempted to shoot a bunch of Bud Light with a machine gun. He did this because he is a normal man with normal feelings who doesn’t even need any therapy.

Bud Light “deserved a black eye and they got one,” Rock told Carlson, but added that he does not want “to hold their head underwater and drown them because they made a mistake.”

Oh certainly not! All the months between April and now, all the histrionic boycotts, have been a measured and moderated reaction from people who are functioning adults and definitely should be allowed to be alone with children. But let’s not overreact, says Kid Rock.

Or maybe it did go a little bit overboard, oops:

“Hopefully, other companies get it, too. But you know, at the end of the day, I don’t think the punishment that they’ve been getting at this point fits the crime,” the singer rambled. “I would like to see people get us back on board and become bigger because that’s the America that I want to live in.”

New York Daily News notes that Monsieur Rock publicly drank a Bud Light in August and his bar sells it, so it’s possible his heart wasn’t as far into the boycott as it seemed.

As for Tucker, well, El Chico de Roca did make this announcement on his Twitter basement Unabomber she-shed show. Tucker also this week interviewed Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) President Dana White, who positively exploded Bud Light all over him and got his pants messy. The UFC is doing a partnership with Anheuser-Busch, you see.

White has been defending the deal to MAGA idiots ever since, sounds like, but with Tucker he seems to have found a somewhat receptive audience. Tucker laughed along with him as he said, “If you consider yourself a patriot, you should be drinking gallons of Bud Light.”

But wait, said Tucker. Isn’t he supposed to be boycotting? No, said White:

"You should have Bud Light drums stacked in your garage. They are way more aligned with you than these other beer companies. That, I guarantee you. Take it from someone who is in the know, who does business with beer companies. You are way more aligned with Bud Light than you are with any other beer company," White said.

Of course on Monday, Tucker talked to Megyn Kelly, an absolute loser TERF who’s completed her transition into the Libs of TikTok woman’s less pizzazz-y understudy. Kelly asked if Tucker talked to Kid Rock about Bud Light. He said “I don’t know” about continuing to spank Bud Light, because aren’t you supposed to stop spanking when the behavior changes?

Then he went like this:

“This is my job as a parent,” Tucker said. “I improved you with punishment!” But Megyn Kelly wasn’t there with him, because Bud Light hasn’t actually apologized to lunatic white fascist Bible-beating scumbags like them. And Tucker caved, because he’s a cuck.

WHY WON’T THEY APOLOGIZE TO US! They whined at each other for the rest of the segment, and theorized that it’s possible that Bud Light is actually not sorry for sending one (1) (אחד) can of beer to a transgender person with their face on it. “Maybe they would do it again,” Megyn Kelly complained. “I want them to care about ME and MY area of the world,” she said, thereby renewing her Karen card for the next 10 years with one sentence.

OK so you know that thing where true believer fascist Christian lunatics get murderously angry when they realize that the people they thought were on their side — who they really really really thought hated LGBTQ+ people and Black people and educated people and people with integrity as much as they do — are actually on the side of money and maybe don’t care that much about them at the end of the day?

Those people are mad.

Perhaps maddest of all is Matt Walsh, who as we all know is obsessed with trans people and obsessed with the Bud Light boycott and the Target boycott and the boycott of anything that’s ever nice to trans people.

Walsh tweeted yesterday morning, “Just reminding you that the Bud Light boycott is still on.” And he’s been inconsolably crying about it ever since.

Ari Drennen from Media Matters collected these tweets, all of which deserve to be read and savored. She said, “There's something so horrifying spellbinding in a grown man throwing a public temper tantrum because other people have lost interest in his obsession with Dylan Mulvaney and returned to drinking a beer that he's admitted he doesn't even drink.”

Dear God. Readers, that is a mere sampling of his Twitter feed. And that’s not even to mention the absurd meltdown’s he’s having on his show, as he seethes against conservatives who just don’t fucking care anymore, and about how Bud Light needs to “grovel at [their] feet.” Media Matters has the great big huge transcript.

Sorry, Matt Walsh’s kids! Daddy can’t read you a story tonight! He has to tweet a million more times about the transgender lady who makes him feel inferior!

Sorry, Matt Walsh’s wife! For literally everything!

By the way, one of those Walsh tweets above says this is the “one time in modern history when conservatives have staged an effective boycott against a major corporate brand.”

We’ve been saying since the beginning that about a year from now, this would all be forgotten, and all the histrionics from white conservative fascists would have amounted to nothing. Guess what? We just checked with Barron’s, and it looks like Anheuser-Busch’s stock price is almost back to where it was back in April, when Kid Rock had his little tantrum:

Heckuva job, losers.

But we get it.

Walsh is one of the sick ones who truly believes in this. For the people still on board, this is their meaning in life, where previously there was only fireworks accidents and the memorial services that come just after. When they march up to the counter at the gas station on their daily Skoal runs and plop down Miller Light, they know they are freedom fighters.

And now it’s … over? After all these months where we’ve heard little else from these social lepers?

Yeah, it’s gonna be a rough comedown.

They should have a Bud Light to take the edge off!