Jon Ossoff was on the stump showing everybody his humps yesterday, and he used his formidable powers to decide that the time has come to start talking about Donald Trump’s curiously gross relationship with Natalie.
OSSOFF: While the sailors on the Lincoln fight his war, while he fruitlessly drains our munitions and oil reserves, the president sleeps through his meetings. He golfs and trades stocks. See, he doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace gifted by the Emir of Qatar.
There was so much in that little passage that was just absolutely brutal, in that way Ossoff is absolutely brutal without even slightly raising his “Daddy’s home” voice. (Which in and of itself must bug the shit out of Trump and MAGA men, since they all desperately want to make Trump into some kind of “Daddy’s home” figure.”)
The people laughed at Trump when Ossoff said he sleeps through his meetings. And they really laughed when he said Trump wants to “travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace,” etc. Oh that was seething contempt. And hilarious, since we all are still laughing our asses off at easily frightened Trump and the little dance he did from one plane to the other leaving Turkey, because the new Qatari bribe plane was a screaming target and a security risk, but he was scared to fly on the old Air Force One because Benjamin Netanyahu was filling his head with scary bedtime stories about Iran assassinating him again.
And then that part about Natalie.
Before Jon Ossoff said that, we’re not sure any politicians were talking about Natalie on the stump. They will be now. The White House Press Corps that follows Trump around and butters his asshole certainly wasn’t. And it’s not because they’re not familiar with Natalie. Will they say something now?
Trump loooooooooooves Natalie. Natalie Harp, to be specific.
Natalie Harp is the blonde lady who runs around after Trump and goes everywhere he goes and and prints out large-print tweets and ball-washing articles that call him Dear Leader.
How much does he love her? Well, for one thing, when Trump was waddle-pooping his way onto the catering truck to get on the secret “Mommy I’m Scared” plane in Turkey, Natalie got to go with him.
That’s how much he loves Natalie.
Are they fuckin’? We don’t know. We’re not going to just jump onto a conspiracy theory that requires us to believe Trump’s dick still works. Come on, don’t pull our legs!
Maggie Haberman’s explanation of Natalie doesn’t suggest fucking, but is in a way even more brutal than that. She calls her Trump’s “binkie.”
She explained to Jacob Soboroff this weekend on his show:
“I can guess why Natalie Harp, Walt Nauta and Dan Scavino were with him,” Haberman said.
“Natalie Harp, because she is sort of his Binkie, for lack of a better way of putting it—his comfort blanket.”
She went on to explain how Scavino is the one who has been up Trump’s buttcrack the longest, and Nauta — who was co-indicted with Trump for stealing national security documents, the case that got thrown out for nakedly political reasons, because the judge was an unqualified hack who also lives inside Trump’s buttcrack — would have been with Trump because he carries the briefcase containing Trump’s important stuff, like his hairspray.
In a 2024 profile, The New York Times said Harp writes “devotional” letters to Trump, including messages like “You are all that matters to me” and “I want to bring you joy,” as well as one calling him her “Guardian and Protector in this Life.”
Ummmmmmm OK, so Natalie is a gross weirdo with Daddy issues.
Over the summer, her brother, Preston Harp, said his sister’s relationship with the president was “very unhealthy.”
“She’s just like his fan club,” he told The Daily Mail.
Mean Preston! Unsupportive of his sister’s sick and unnatural relationship with President Bedpan! (He also called Trump a “national embarrassment” in that Daily Mail piece.)
Anyway, every Democrat needs to be writing “Natalie” lines into their speeches, even if they’re not running for office. We want to hear Mamdani’s take on “Natalie,” we want a “Natalie” dance video and brutally catty hot takes from Abdul El-Sayed, and we want to know which Bible story about old men and much younger women this all reminds James Talarico of.
Go on, Democrats, get to work!
Here is some more of your daddy and also your father Jon Ossoff from that speech last night:
[Daily Beast / HuffPost]
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Harp makes Monica Lewinksy look like Cinderella. I am really liking Jon a lot.
Give 'em HELL, Jon!