Hello, I Am Common Decency, And Holy Hell Has This Been A Week.

Just goddamn.

This post was enraging so here, have a baby clouded leopard with its head stuck in a food bowl, before it grows into its face-eating phase.

Hi, everyone! I’m common decency, and I’m here to say, what in the actual fucking fuck?

No no, sorry, that was harsh. What I meant to say was, what in the hell is wrong with you people, were you dropped on your heads a lot as babies?

Sorry, sorry, also harsh. How about: Christ on a crutch, you simpletons, you morons, you dipshits, you meatheads, you absolute turnips …

Sorry, sorry again! Even common decency gets frustrated, and it has been a bad week.

Here’s how I’ve been looking at my situation: Have you ever been to a party where you hardly knew anyone? Maybe there’s like one or two people happy to see you, and you exchange a perfunctory “So, what are you up to these days” that lasts about two minutes, and then you awkwardly stare at each other until someone else walks up, and the other person knows that person a lot better so the two of them start talking and you can wander off to the keg or the bathroom and they won’t even notice? Like you don’t even exist?

And also you’re kind of an introvert to begin with, and your host isn’t going to bother introducing you to people (it’s a keg party with a hundred people in the backyard of some rented house), so you stand in a corner for hours? Maybe you stare intently at your phone as if you’re getting important texts, so people will think you are just taking a temporary break from socializing to deal with a family crisis, when really you’re just working on trades for your fantasy football team?

Then at some point you figure you’ve hung around the party long enough that you won’t feel like a total antisocial loser for leaving? You might even pat yourself on the back for having left your own home and attempting to socialize in the first place! Then you slip away unnoticed.

That’s what this week has felt like to me, the concept of common decency.

And I don’t really mean you, the readers of Wonkette, since I know you don’t read this site for its measured, polite, generous takes. That’s fine! People do need outlets for their frustrations.

Americans Want Left-Wing Policies And Right-Wing Politicians And WTF Do We Do About That?

Republicans Take Senate, Supreme Court F*cked For Rest Of Our Lives. And Good Morning To YOU!

No, I’m more talking about the royal “you,” the people in America who (again!) voted into the world’s most powerful office this diseased rotting husk of a felonious blastoma. This fuckup, this ass cancer, this …

Jesus, am I off. See? It’s hard to literally be common decency when half the country has turned their backs on you.

Turned their backs? Hell, they spit on me, stomped me into the ground, laughed, stomped me into the ground some more, set me on fire, and THEN turned their backs on me.

Have you ever seen The Bonfire of the Vanities? Terrible movie, just god-awful swill. But there is one great moment towards the end. Morgan Freeman, playing the judge in a murder trial that has been turned into the sort of tabloid feeding frenzy that would have made Donald Trump jealous by knocking him off the cover of The New York Post (short leap, I know) tells a courtroom full of bigots and snobs and hucksters, all of whom have attached themselves to the case out of twisted self-interest like sociopathic remoras:

“Let me tell you what justice is. Justice is the law, and the law is man’s feeble attempt to set down the principles of decency. Decency! And decency is not a deal. It isn’t an angle, or a contract, or a hustle! Decency … decency is what your grandmother taught you. It’s in your bones! Now you go home. Go home and be decent people.”

“The law is man’s feeble attempt to set down the principles of decency.” Man, I think about that line every single time I hear any news about Donald Trump’s criminal trials. That Aileen Cannon, she wouldn’t know decency if it sat on her chest and yelled at her. The Supreme Court, all of those wingnuts on it. Where did they get their law degrees, at driving school? Clearly our legal establishment is not sending its best. Not on the Right, anyway.

Mister, we sure could use a man like Morgan Freeman right about now. The old Morgan Freeman, the one who can project moral authority and, yes, common decency. Not the one we have now, this dude who picks projects like Now You See Me 3.

Maybe people don’t have grandmothers anymore? I don’t know, I’m just a behavioral concept, not a biological creature that came out of an egg.

But I did used to stand for something. Compassion. Empathy. Being there for people while keeping your nose out of their goddamn business.

So Americans have gone out there and empowered a jackass and an entire political party that can’t keep its nose out of women’s uteruses or transgender people’s genitals. A party that wants to separate immigrant families for no real reason other than that Stephen Miller read “The Camp of the Saints” at an impressionable age and also they are apparently a bunch of frightened, paranoid bigots who spend too much time reading and watching right-wing media.

Jesus, Fox News. You want to talk about indecent! Just look at, oh, literally everything it has ever broadcast. I was never welcome in the Fox building, you know. Ailes actually hired a couple of goons to come to my house and threaten to break my kneecaps if I ever went near it. Then he went and hired dopes like Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, who would have been particularly resistant to the concept of decency anyway.

Anyway, I’m putting my hopes in you, readers of Wonkette, and other left-leaning folks of your ilk. It’s up to you to fulfill the promise of Americans as a people at least cognizant of common decency. That ship sailed for the Right decades ago, as Ronald Reagan’s policies and Newt Gingrich’s rise told us at the time.

Don’t let me, common decency, down. Half the country might pretend I don’t exist, but the other half is going to need to keep the flame alive, so at least maybe future generations of Americans won’t be total assholes.

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