Greetings, villainous Wonkette scum! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, your old — and now new again — friend! I am here to tell you about Russia’s strong new ally in special military operation against phony Ukrainian people. Together with this mighty new partner, we can end operations and bring to close this charade that Ukraine (makes air quotes with fingers) “exists” and that Ukrainians are real people and not just Russians who, like lost puppy, wandered away from farm until neighbor found puppy and brought him back, much to the delight of the farm children, who missed puppy.
Is called an analogy, Wonkette, look it up.
Anyway, yes, Mother Russia has strong new ally in this endeavor. And that ally is ... you! Congratulations to Wonkette, and America!
Not that Russia could not win special military operation against Ukrainian Nazis on her own. But when Russia defeated Nazis before, America helped a little. Now we will defeat them again, and America will help a little, thanks to great friend of Russia, Donald Trump.
But sanctions that American Congress put on Russia strain our economy. I tell Donald, I know he did not mean to sign sanctions bill. I tell him I know he would never do anything to hurt great friendship between Russia and United States, and between Donald and Vladimir. He was tricked by Congress!
How? Vladimir does not know. Perhaps Congress sent over bill called the Acknowledging President Trump as Best President in History of America, Ever, And Who Should Definitely Win All the Nobel Peace Prizes Act. Only was trick! Bill’s text was actually sanctions against Russia. There was nothing in bill about Donald Trump being greatest American president! It was ruse! Can you believe it? After all he has done to make America great country again!
Donald was very mad at Congress! But I told him I would forgive him for not reading bill before signing it if he would now ease sanctions in bill. Then we could give him diesel fuel America needs. An entire four days’ worth! Which we will give him as soon as South Korea delivers it to us. We would give fuel to Donald sooner, but our refineries have encountered tiny production problem lately of Ukrainian drones constantly bombing them to smithereens. Donald is very mad at phony Ukrainians for that.
So Donald says of course, Vladimir, anything! Now I am as giddy as millennial at Taylor Swift concert.
Then I tell Donald, Führer Zelenskyy does not wish for end to war. If there is no war, how will he get countries to give him money to keep buying weapons to defend himself in war? Therefore, if decadent West stops giving him money that he uses to destroy Russian oil refineries, Russia can win glorious victory! Also, Trump son-in-law Jared the Skinny can complete development deals that will make entire Trump family rich! Is win-win for everyone! Except Ukraine, but it is not a real place, so it does not matter!
But there is still problem. Russia fires many heroic missiles at Ukraine. But not all of them get there! Luckily, there is simple solution.
Wonkette, you have perhaps read that Elon Musk or someone turned off satellites so Ukraine can’t track Russia’s glorious missiles and drones using Starshield system. Is not true! Elon probably just needed those satellites to help build new Boring Company hyperloop Vladimir coincidentally express interest in 10 years ago. When complete in 2047, Vladimir will be able to drive underground car slowly from one side of Red Square to other side of Red Square. Is very exciting new technology! And great success in Las Vegas. Now Elon will build in Russia. So he took Ukraine satellites.
No, Vladimir does not know what Starshield satellites have to do with underground car tunnel. Perhaps so Teslas in tunnel can pick up Frank Sinatra station on SiriusXM? Elon knows how much Vladimir loves the Chairman.
Yes, yes, he says was not him who slowed down Starshield. He says it was White House. White House says ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Traitorous Democrat senators say it was drunken nincompoop Pete Hegseth and want investigation. Cowardly American poodle Marco Rubio says Ukraine does not even have access to Starshield and Zelenskyy does not know what he’s talking about. Vladimir agrees with tiny man Rubio on that one.
You have played Hot Potato? This is game of Hot Potato. Russians very familiar with this game. Usually we play with real potato at dinnertime. And is not so much game as Russian families sharing boiled dinner potato.
You see how easy all this is, Wonkette? I say to Donald, you and I can figure out what to do about Ukraine without Ukraine being involved! In fact, we will have meeting with Glorious Premier Xi of China. Just the three of us. A real guys’ weekend! No wives, no chicks, just three bros drinking Russian vodka, playing golf at amazing Trump course, and carving up entire world into spheres of influence! I will barbecue taiga lynx! Will be good time!
You know who might have been impediment to Vladimir’s plans? Senator Lindsey Graham. So many times, I would say to Donald, why does United States care about Ukraine? You know who cared about Ukraine? Sleepy Joe Biden! You are another Sleepy Joe Biden! And Donald would say no, shut up, Vladimir, I am better than Sleepy Joe, who was disaster. I will stop helping Ukraine.
But then Lindsey Graham would step in and say Donald, do not let Vladimir destroy Ukraine! Why not? Who knows! Lindsey Graham did not like Vladimir. Nor was he afraid of Vladimir. How is possible? Everyone loves Vladimir or is terrified of him, it’s why no one in Moscow lives on high floors anymore.
So let us just say that hole tearing in Lindsey Graham’s artery when it did was convenient for Vladimir. VERY convenient. How you say, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more? Not best Monty Python sketch, but pretty good as far as Western imperialist comedy goes. Vladimir prefers comedy about how great Vladimir is. Great friend of Russia Donald Trump prefers comedy about how great Donald Trump is. As America says, there is much more that unites us than divides us.
Of course, many comedy performers don’t say Donald Trump is greatest. Many times I say to Donald, why not just have this Lorne Michaels shipped to Siberian labor camp? We will take him. There is always space in Siberian labor camp, even if we have to shoot someone to free it up.
GREAT GLORIOUS OPEN THREAD.
Wonkette survives thanks to your support, and there has never been a more necessary time to support independent media. What, you think Bari Weiss would let us write this stuff?
https://bsky.app/profile/maddow.bsky.social/post/3myaqp2vwdk23
Georgia: 40% increase in first-day turnout compared with the 2022 midterms, and more than double the first-day participation seen during the 2018 midterms.
"Early ballots in North Carolina and Maine are up 38% from the last midterms, while Iowa has seen a 61% increase"
https://www.kark.com/news/early-voting-surges-across-key-battleground-states-ahead-of-midterms/
What's the big deal? Russians like potatoes. The Irish like potatoes. Everyone likes potatoes. Can't we all find some common ground? /s