Honestly Kicking Ourselves For Not Coming Up With 'Anti-Woke Water' Before These Scammers
Evian may be naive spelled backwards, but it's still cheaper than this nonsense.
Nothing makes me wish I had absolutely zero scruples than seeing the dumbass overpriced nonsense that Trump voters will buy simply because someone calls it “not woke” or markets it to them in some other capacity. My God, they will truly buy anything, and often for six times the cost. Food buckets, supplements, beer, gold coins … who the hell knows what else? I could be a chamillionaire by now, but I just have too much shame to come out with Trumpy laundry detergent.
Attendees at this weekend’s Turning Point USA conference were encouraged to quench their unending thirst with Freedom2o water, a water that isn’t “woke.” You know, because water sold in plastic bottles is very infamously “woke.”
This non-woke water will only cost you $21, which is only about $4 more than twice as much Evian will cost you (and $16 more than if you bought a 12 pack of Poland Spring). Freedom, clearly, isn’t free!
An ad for the bottled water, which ran at various points during the conference:
“It’s not just refreshing, it’s rebellious, and it’s unapologetic to drink this in public,” founder Elizabeth White said in the spot.
Behold, the origin story, courtesy of The New York Post:
As for liberals: let them drink Perrier is [Elizabeth] White’s view.
White, 36, who has found success working in auto racing, video games and tech, came up with the idea for Freedom2o while on the sofa of her South Florida home.
“I was watching the Republican debate and a light went on in my head,” White told The Post.
“They cut to a commercial and I saw so many people drinking water. But the water being consumed had no connection to the people drinking it.
“Kevin McCarthy was drinking Dasani — which is left, right and center. If he drank Freedom, I think he would still be Speaker of the House.”
So the issue wasn’t that the water was too “woke,” it’s that it wasn’t actively hateful. To her knowledge.
Because, had White (appropos) “done her own research,” as they like to say, she would have discovered that Perrier is actually owned by Nestle, a very famously not-woke brand … especially as far as water is concerned.
I have not personally witnessed water being this embarrassing since the Manzos (from “Real Housewives of New Jersey”) got in on the ground floor of “blk water.” The water that is black. For reasons of fulvic acid.
The thing is, no one is going to look twice at anyone’s Freedom2o water. No one is going to look at anyone drinking that and go “Oh wow, now that person is a rebel who will never be any good.” The best they can hope for is that they run into someone who’s terminally online, recognizes it, and then makes fun of them behind their back.
Victory?
And why no camo pattern on the label? That would really show the libs.
When I start my so-unwoke-we-are-in-a-coma water brand, it will definitely have camo on the label. And you'll have to open the bottle by shooting at it.
I'm gonna be rich!
Console yourself, Robyn. I think that you're just the person to start an anti-woke accessories company. Like Claire's but where all the bangles are a little more cheaply made, twice the price, and have glitter spelling out "Let's go, Brandon!" and such in cutesy cursive.