How Dare You Say I, EJ Antoni, Am Unqualified For This Job Just Because I'm Unqualified For This Job
The next head of BLS responds to criticism.
It never fails. You maintain one Twitter account that posts COVID conspiracy theories, attacks on the Black Lives Matter movement, and misogynistic cracks that Kamala Harris got where she is through a combination of blowjobs and more blowjobs, and the woke Left says you shouldn’t run a hugely important federal agency that you were already in no way qualified to run.
Unfair! I should not be confirmed for this job because of my total lack of qualifications for it, not because I tweeted multiple times that China created COVID to kill white people!
Er, ah, I actually said “destroy the West.” Don’t put racist words in my definitely-not-racist mouth.
It’s so silly. Does being a Donald Trump superfan who retweeted all his lies about ballots being dumped in the middle of the night in Pennsylvania in 2020, bringing my judgment and connection to reality into question, mean I can’t also be in charge of the hugely important monthly US jobs report that businesses both here and around the world use to evaluate the state of the American labor market and make capital allocation decisions?
Of course not! It’s that I have no experience in collecting and evaluating large data sets and have never led a team of economists — or anyone else — so big that everyone on it can’t fit comfortably in a phone booth that are the reasons I can’t be in charge of the hugely important monthly US jobs report that businesses here and around the world use to evaluate the state of the American labor market and make capital allocation decisions!
Stupid woke Left.
Hey, I get it. Yeah, I’ve got the weird Nazi fetish. Yeah, I’ve got enormous wall art of a Hitler battleship, which lasted all of two years before the allies sank it, hanging in my living room where I admire its glory and use it to backdrop all my most important Zooms. It doesn’t mean I admire Nazis; I just admire their incredible shipbuilding prowess and military might!
And yeah, my eyes are so dead that they resemble two bottomless pools of blackness so dark that no light can escape, and if you stare into them for more than a few seconds, you will go stark raving mad, which is why I have never been able to go to the same ophthalmologist twice. I hardly see what that has to do with compiling unemployment statistics, a task for which I am also not even remotely qualified.
Yes, I was at the January 6 insurr — uh, I mean riot. The insurriot. But I can explain that. See, I was in town for meetings with my then-employer, which was a good two miles away from the rally, when I decided to take a break and find a Dunkin’ and not walk anywhere near the Capitol.
I was barely out the door of the building when I was swept into the middle of this giant crowd coming from the president’s rally. I tried to push my way out, to get back to the sidewalk, but it was like being caught in an undertow. I was just swept along, helpless, a leaf floating down a river. I begged, I pleaded, I tried to punch people with my delicate hands to clear them out of my way. It was no good. The crowd had me.
But then I thought to myself, EJ, you will be sick to your stomach when your Lord and Savior Donald Trump pulls off this coup attempt and you weren’t there to witness it, or to help carry a triumphant president, borne aloft on a golden divan, into the House chamber like he’s Cleopatra. In fact, Mr. Trump will be very disappointed in you specifically if you miss it. Just relax and let history take you along.
So there I am in the middle of this screaming crowd about to storm the Capitol building, and I realized something: I didn’t have a sign! Or a taser. Or bear spray. Or a giant American flag or a full military kit or handcuffs or plasticuffs or climbing equipment so I could belay from the balcony down to the floor of the Senate like I was cosplaying as a soldier from Call of Duty: Black Ops.
What do you think I did? I went to find a climbing store! That was when someone caught me on video leaving the rally. But I had to go all the way out to Crystal City to find a climbing store, and by then everyone had politely picked up their signs and gone home.
My desire to see the rally had nothing to do with the tweet I’d posted the night before when I compared President Trump to Sampson about to pull down the temple pillars on top of all his enemies even though he maybe wouldn’t survive himself. I definitely didn’t want to see President Trump smite all his enemies and force Congress to return him to power. How dare you suggest otherwise.
But none of this — the Twitter account, the Nazi fandom, the not participating in the insurrection, pinky swear — has anything to do with why I’m unqualified to be the head of BLS. It’s my complete lack of knowledge of economics, which is so bad that even conservatives from AEI and the Manhattan Institute have denounced my nomination, that is why I’m unqualified to be the head of BLS.
At least have the decency to say that I suck and should be ejected from my confirmation hearings via catapult for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. You jackals.
[Wired]
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"I'm gonna go home and play with my model Bismarck in the bath!!!"
The only qualification for a job in the Henna Hitler Administration is being unqualified.